Wavering
the more i think about it, the more i realize that i have to honor my agreements with stephen, regardless of the emotional dynamic between us. no matter how much friction we experience, we still agreed to love, honor, and respect each other in a committed monogamous relationship until i step on the plane to alaska. after that, as stephen says, "you can fuck 'em all."
i fully expect stephen to be monogamous and committed to me until that time, fight or no fight. I must return the same. otherwise, it is a betrayal to him and to my promises.
as much as i feel strongly attracted to chad, and to the possibilities of a fresh start, i know jumping the gun with him would only tarnish our relations. if i betray stephen to have sex with chad three weeks early, chad and i won't even have a chance to work. we will begin in betrayal, setting the stage for more betrayal. this may be the hardest thing i have ever done.
i don't have a great track record for keeping promises.
besides all this, why do i want to be with chad? obviously we connect well in love, a kind of relational love i've only felt with stephen. chad feels a lot like my wife. and also like my husband, which is something i have real trouble finding with stephen. when i feel stephen as my husband, i often feel like a very young (newly menstruating--age 12 or so) girl married to a much older man i dont know. i feel timid and scared, at a serious disadvantage. i feel like he doesnt recognize my need to be gently eased into a woman's place in the home.
i dont know how to express this appropriately. when stephen is my wife, i feel confident and protective. when i feel uncertain as his husband, it's always with the understanding that he loves me and it's okay that i sometimes waver. but as his wife, i always feel unready.
with chad, it's different. as his wife, i feel wonder and awe. as his husband, i feel wonder and awe. in both ways i feel confident, or at least like it's okay for me to waver. i definitely want to experience this more fully.
i fully expect stephen to be monogamous and committed to me until that time, fight or no fight. I must return the same. otherwise, it is a betrayal to him and to my promises.
as much as i feel strongly attracted to chad, and to the possibilities of a fresh start, i know jumping the gun with him would only tarnish our relations. if i betray stephen to have sex with chad three weeks early, chad and i won't even have a chance to work. we will begin in betrayal, setting the stage for more betrayal. this may be the hardest thing i have ever done.
i don't have a great track record for keeping promises.
besides all this, why do i want to be with chad? obviously we connect well in love, a kind of relational love i've only felt with stephen. chad feels a lot like my wife. and also like my husband, which is something i have real trouble finding with stephen. when i feel stephen as my husband, i often feel like a very young (newly menstruating--age 12 or so) girl married to a much older man i dont know. i feel timid and scared, at a serious disadvantage. i feel like he doesnt recognize my need to be gently eased into a woman's place in the home.
i dont know how to express this appropriately. when stephen is my wife, i feel confident and protective. when i feel uncertain as his husband, it's always with the understanding that he loves me and it's okay that i sometimes waver. but as his wife, i always feel unready.
with chad, it's different. as his wife, i feel wonder and awe. as his husband, i feel wonder and awe. in both ways i feel confident, or at least like it's okay for me to waver. i definitely want to experience this more fully.