Dream Therapy
I have no idea what time it is. Morning. Sun's been up for a while. I dreamed I was in bed with Stephen and resenting him. Humping his dick though our clothes and hating him. I don't want to have sex with Stephen. He's too old and too didactic. Maybe I can't marry someone who knows me and loves me so well. That doesn't mean we can't be friends. I'm not a failure for being unable to fuck Stephen. I want him in my life, just not as my lover. I needed someone to tell me where to go for a while, and I'll still need his advice from time to time. I feel sad and my heart hurts. I want to have a child really strongly. I want to be pregnant. I put a lot of energy into Stephen to be pregnant with him and now I don't want to be pregnant with him. No, not true. I do want to be pregnant, tho I'd prefer a white baby, I'd like to be pregnant with Stephen. I want a healthy baby and healthy babies are only made through love. I know he loves me if I can love him and be open with him. The truth is, when I am open with him I reveal all I want him for is his seed, get me pregnant and get away from me. I could not live with Stephen for very long tho I admire and love him. Fuck that. He's too old for me and I'm too angry. I'm angry he didn't get me pregnant right away, I'm angry he thinks he knows what I want, I'm angry he calls me a slut and points to where I need work--for me he's more of a teacher than a lover, more a man who shows me where to go. God help me. He points out my denials and--God help me. I am angry and afraid of him. Does that mean I need to leap from this cliff or run away in fear?