Honesty
I am trying to be honest--deeply honest, about my feelings and motivations. I realized recently how little I know about myself, and consequently, how little I share of myself. People who think they know me don't really KNOW me. Some, like Stephen, have seen me be authentic enough to have some idea, and recognize the facade as unreal. Probably more people than I think.
I comfort myself with the idea that my real friends will be relieved when I'm honest, but my deepest fear is that people won't like the real me. Those who thought they knew me will be confused and hurt, and withdraw from my life. I fear that people will think i'm lying now, and was honest before, or that I'm rejecting them by being different.
I struggle to not preemptively strike by rejecting everyone in my life and starting over. It's more authentic to just be me, and give my friends a choice. If we don't like each other any more, so be it.
This is really hard for me. I've spent most of my life learning to mimic or mirror others to validate them so i will be liked. To be liked, be like. It works like a charm, and is a valuable skill. But when i do that exclusively, I have no integrity, and I lose my sense of self.
I comfort myself with the idea that my real friends will be relieved when I'm honest, but my deepest fear is that people won't like the real me. Those who thought they knew me will be confused and hurt, and withdraw from my life. I fear that people will think i'm lying now, and was honest before, or that I'm rejecting them by being different.
I struggle to not preemptively strike by rejecting everyone in my life and starting over. It's more authentic to just be me, and give my friends a choice. If we don't like each other any more, so be it.
This is really hard for me. I've spent most of my life learning to mimic or mirror others to validate them so i will be liked. To be liked, be like. It works like a charm, and is a valuable skill. But when i do that exclusively, I have no integrity, and I lose my sense of self.