From the greats
I don't know, but after what possibly could be the worst semester of college, maybe of my schooling, and yes, it has to be the one that matters. College. I'm trying to find what motivates me, why I should just keep going through this, what this experience will turn out to be. What will college make me? What am I going to ascend to, is what I'm trying to get at.
Tonight, I've been listening to some of my favorite comics being interviewed in a what will be the most formal setting they will probably do. And surprisingly, though if anyone thought about it for more than 5 seconds it could dawn on anyone, these people worked hard to get where they are. It just seemed like the way they act on their shows, on interviews, short or long, that they just got there because they are.. naturally funny, I guess. But to hear them describe their ascension to what they are today, you can hear the work they put into what their career, and obviously, their life. You can see the years of work in their faces. This came most evident to me in an interview with Conan O'Brien. He describes how much work he puts into late night, and it just became evident that something like that can't just... come on a platter, so to speak. To be a guest on that show doesn't come on a platter. He said kids come up to him and tell him that they are going to be on his show, and he asks them what they are gonna be doing to get on that show, and they respond they don't know. And he said that disturbs him. And its almost like a punch to the stomach. It's like a dream just got pushed down a flight of stairs. It isn't necessarily dead, but you're not sure its getting back up. And now I'm sitting here wondering if I can find the resolve to see this dream through.
I watched Jon Stewart immediately afterword, and now I'm listening to Dave Chappelle. And I can just hear the work in their stories, the struggle, the strife. The brilliance they have behind what they do. I know they are brilliant, this is why I look up to them. This is why I am interested in them. I think to myself, Lewis Black, Seth MacFarlen, these men make such stupid jokes, and a few punchlines later they have the capacity to make a joke I can barely understand, barely comprehend the various levels these jokes go. The fact that I think I can do it is maybe absurd, but something I'll let myself cling to. But these men have great educations, and are brilliant workers who I can't even imagine seeing in person, whether it be on a street or at the fox in the very back row. No matter it is an honor. But I realize that the odds of me getting close to the level of these men, for them to acknowledge the work I hopefully do and can be somewhat be proud of, are staggeringly stacked against me. I'm not pessimistic in the least, I like to think I'm optimistic and a realist at the same time. But I'm going to acknowledge I delude myself so I don't have to face too much of a harsh reality. I guess I fear I will just lose the will to live, not in that I'm going to end my life, but in the sense I'm going to lose sight of my dreams and cease to live the life I've been promising myself I will live, if only somewhat. I want to motivate myself to something original, which each day seems less likely, and be recognized. Not as someone brilliant, but as someone people just want to know, and maybe admire. I don't want to wield power, and want to be the motivational factor for people. I want to be a striving force for people to make themselves, and others laugh. For them to do something good. I want to be to someone what my heroes are to me. I want to be 40, 50, 60 and run into a bright eyed 13 to 20 year old who knows of me, and wants to talk with me. Get something out of me that could help evolve their mind. A kid who knows there are limits, who knows they will run into them, but still hasn't. I want to feel accomplished, but not done with my life. Something I'm sure everyone but a very, VERY few feel.
I have impossible ambitions that I wish I could meet, because I think it would make a good book, not a TV movie or TV show, but book. Which is funny because at this point I'd say I haven't read nearly enough. I feel like I'm educated, and I recommend for people to read books to get educated. Which is funny because if i met someone just like me, who thought they were educated, and read as much as I had, I'd tell them they are no doubt kidding themselves and really should read more. Listen to what they preach. So I guess I'm a low class hypocrite, but maybe it's good I'm admitting it? I'd like to become President, which is without to say, completely unrealistic. And yet I feel like it is somehow possible. I could be recognized in the comedy world, and be collaborated with, be asked to do things. Yet again, unfathomably unrealistic. I was going to diss my education, and yet I just surprised myself by spelling unfathomably without spell check. As a counterpoint I just added "diss" to my spell check dictionary.
But to imagine trying to compare myself with my comedic heroes, I just feel a crumbling sensation. Realistically, its a road so far away and would require so much work I'm embarrassed to say I would just like to quit. Deep down inside, I'm at about 99.9999% that this dream wont be reached, but I'm not going to give up dreaming it even if I make it to 90. I feel like giving it up would be almost tragic. One thing I try not to forget is my childishness. I feel like it is what ultimately keeps me being me. I'm growing up, getting older, just all around becoming more mature and wise to the world. But I can't give up my inner child. I swore as a kid not to forget who I was, and so help me god, I intend on keeping true to my word. So what if I act like I'm fucking 13 once and a while, it keeps my humanity. If I lose my childishness, ultimately I lose who I am, and who I've been. I want to keep it in my mind what I was like in 5th grade, when I started to question God. Which, not to toot my own horn, doesn't seem like something a 5th grader should be thinking about. Especially a year before I was fighting a war against girls. I try to keep in mind how articulate I was when I started this blog, what I was thinking about. What I was questioning. I keep catching myself listening to kids talking and how I just don't take them serious. It is the most foolish thing I can think of, to underestimate kids. Sometimes I feel like I haven't progressed very far from my thought processes from when I was a young teen. I still find myself thinking that when I reread some things I have written.
I may have digressed from the original intent of this blog, but I got some things down that I have been thinking for a while.
Tonight, I've been listening to some of my favorite comics being interviewed in a what will be the most formal setting they will probably do. And surprisingly, though if anyone thought about it for more than 5 seconds it could dawn on anyone, these people worked hard to get where they are. It just seemed like the way they act on their shows, on interviews, short or long, that they just got there because they are.. naturally funny, I guess. But to hear them describe their ascension to what they are today, you can hear the work they put into what their career, and obviously, their life. You can see the years of work in their faces. This came most evident to me in an interview with Conan O'Brien. He describes how much work he puts into late night, and it just became evident that something like that can't just... come on a platter, so to speak. To be a guest on that show doesn't come on a platter. He said kids come up to him and tell him that they are going to be on his show, and he asks them what they are gonna be doing to get on that show, and they respond they don't know. And he said that disturbs him. And its almost like a punch to the stomach. It's like a dream just got pushed down a flight of stairs. It isn't necessarily dead, but you're not sure its getting back up. And now I'm sitting here wondering if I can find the resolve to see this dream through.
I watched Jon Stewart immediately afterword, and now I'm listening to Dave Chappelle. And I can just hear the work in their stories, the struggle, the strife. The brilliance they have behind what they do. I know they are brilliant, this is why I look up to them. This is why I am interested in them. I think to myself, Lewis Black, Seth MacFarlen, these men make such stupid jokes, and a few punchlines later they have the capacity to make a joke I can barely understand, barely comprehend the various levels these jokes go. The fact that I think I can do it is maybe absurd, but something I'll let myself cling to. But these men have great educations, and are brilliant workers who I can't even imagine seeing in person, whether it be on a street or at the fox in the very back row. No matter it is an honor. But I realize that the odds of me getting close to the level of these men, for them to acknowledge the work I hopefully do and can be somewhat be proud of, are staggeringly stacked against me. I'm not pessimistic in the least, I like to think I'm optimistic and a realist at the same time. But I'm going to acknowledge I delude myself so I don't have to face too much of a harsh reality. I guess I fear I will just lose the will to live, not in that I'm going to end my life, but in the sense I'm going to lose sight of my dreams and cease to live the life I've been promising myself I will live, if only somewhat. I want to motivate myself to something original, which each day seems less likely, and be recognized. Not as someone brilliant, but as someone people just want to know, and maybe admire. I don't want to wield power, and want to be the motivational factor for people. I want to be a striving force for people to make themselves, and others laugh. For them to do something good. I want to be to someone what my heroes are to me. I want to be 40, 50, 60 and run into a bright eyed 13 to 20 year old who knows of me, and wants to talk with me. Get something out of me that could help evolve their mind. A kid who knows there are limits, who knows they will run into them, but still hasn't. I want to feel accomplished, but not done with my life. Something I'm sure everyone but a very, VERY few feel.
I have impossible ambitions that I wish I could meet, because I think it would make a good book, not a TV movie or TV show, but book. Which is funny because at this point I'd say I haven't read nearly enough. I feel like I'm educated, and I recommend for people to read books to get educated. Which is funny because if i met someone just like me, who thought they were educated, and read as much as I had, I'd tell them they are no doubt kidding themselves and really should read more. Listen to what they preach. So I guess I'm a low class hypocrite, but maybe it's good I'm admitting it? I'd like to become President, which is without to say, completely unrealistic. And yet I feel like it is somehow possible. I could be recognized in the comedy world, and be collaborated with, be asked to do things. Yet again, unfathomably unrealistic. I was going to diss my education, and yet I just surprised myself by spelling unfathomably without spell check. As a counterpoint I just added "diss" to my spell check dictionary.
But to imagine trying to compare myself with my comedic heroes, I just feel a crumbling sensation. Realistically, its a road so far away and would require so much work I'm embarrassed to say I would just like to quit. Deep down inside, I'm at about 99.9999% that this dream wont be reached, but I'm not going to give up dreaming it even if I make it to 90. I feel like giving it up would be almost tragic. One thing I try not to forget is my childishness. I feel like it is what ultimately keeps me being me. I'm growing up, getting older, just all around becoming more mature and wise to the world. But I can't give up my inner child. I swore as a kid not to forget who I was, and so help me god, I intend on keeping true to my word. So what if I act like I'm fucking 13 once and a while, it keeps my humanity. If I lose my childishness, ultimately I lose who I am, and who I've been. I want to keep it in my mind what I was like in 5th grade, when I started to question God. Which, not to toot my own horn, doesn't seem like something a 5th grader should be thinking about. Especially a year before I was fighting a war against girls. I try to keep in mind how articulate I was when I started this blog, what I was thinking about. What I was questioning. I keep catching myself listening to kids talking and how I just don't take them serious. It is the most foolish thing I can think of, to underestimate kids. Sometimes I feel like I haven't progressed very far from my thought processes from when I was a young teen. I still find myself thinking that when I reread some things I have written.
I may have digressed from the original intent of this blog, but I got some things down that I have been thinking for a while.