Now and Ben
When you love someone, you cant really see yourself with anyone but that person. And when you’ve obtained feelings for this person your heart is blinded by all the things that are wrong with this person. It breaks my heart to think.....I mean know, that Tom isnt the right guy for me. Hes actually not the person I thought he was at all.
Other than sexuality preferences. If I stop and think about it.....what I like about Tom VS what I don’t like about Tom. Im falling short of what I do like. There just comes a point where you have to say, enough is enough, Im sorry but I cant do this anymore. I Love him. Lord knows how much I love him, but my heart keeps telling me at some point my mind needs to realize what my heart already knows. Im holding on for reasons I don’t even know. Maybe Im afraid to start over, maybe Im afraid to let my guard down now that its up or maybe I don’t want to give up on the first guy thats ever made me feel this way. Whatever the reason, Im running out of tears to cry, days to waste in depression and good times that are meant to be had. Im forcing myself to move on. I may not want to completely but I need to, it’s the only way out.
Im not God, so if life has a mind of its own and brings Tom and I together, then so be it. But I cant fight it, force it or make us work. Cause if I have to work this hard, then it isnt working. And I spoke with him on the phone the other day....and the day after that. We were supposed to meet up, we discussed that. But then I called and said I couldnt. When he asked why I just said something came up....and said that the rest of this week Im busy so this whole week isnt good at all. Which is true, I am busy.....but I wasnt going to tell him the real reason...not that he would care but it would be weird for me. And Im sure if at some point it comes up I’ll say it, but I just didnt want to say I cant see you cause Im not sure how Im supposed to explain that to my boyfriend. Im sure the phrase “Im going to Orlando by myself after work to see the guy that is and always will be my first love” is gonna fly over really well.
I have a chance at a real normal relationship with a nice, extremely good looking guy and Im gonna throw that away? I had a mini crush on Ben when we were in high school together. I didnt make him the hottie I went to school for everyday just to see him pass in the hall, but thats because he was one of those preppy, popular, sporty type of guys and I wasnt into all that school spirit junk and I definitely wasnt into liking the guy every girl liked. But I am literally amazed at how many popular guys walk into my work, and start talking to me like we hung out together in high school...half the time I think, “Do you even know my name?” I guess I was more known and actually well liked then what I thought. Not to mention the pressure high school brings on is nothing compared to the real world and Im also sure maturity plays a part in everyones behavior.
I love Tom, I still do. I just learned how to say no to him. Sometimes you have to say no in order to keep your heart safe, and right now Im scared as hell with Ben. But hes just got that look that makes you melt. My mom said she could see how I would melt for Tom...but that was then and this is now. Now its Ben. Juan approves, and for starters thats a good thing. Trenna thinks hes hot! Actually Trenna thinks hes really hot, but I already warned her. My mom thinks hes a good pick. And right now, Im totally happy in my decision. Im not in love with Ben, but Im pretty sure love lives for happy vibes and not sad aggravated ones. And overall I keep making a joke about this whole Ben thing....my fantasy man is Ben McKenzie from The OC, and boyfriends name is Ben.....so I figure it doesnt matter who I fuck, as long as Im shouting Ben! Hehe J/K