So I was Thinkin.....
Im always thinking, and thinking and OVER thinking. Not to mention analyzing every second I exist beating out my mind every second with my fist....not really, but you get the idea....I was always told from young to always place myself into someone elses shoes. Of course everyone knows that saying. But I was thinking....Do we always gotta cry? Do we always gotta live inside a lie? I think most people chose to live this way because theyre afraid of change. Im afraid of change! No one ever knows if a change could have a good result or a bad result but if we don’t try we’ll never know. Sometimes I think with as much as people complain theyre just to comfortable in their miserable life style to even think about change - tho deep down theyre complaining cause thats exactly what they want. But like I said theyre afraid to make a change or are unsure how. Everyone gets depressed from time to time, even kids cry. So some people chose suicide, they see it as the only way out. And of course people mourn, people think “why” and “if only” (as in if only they wouldve recognized the signs.) Its tragic when someone dies in an accident, its even more tragic to think of someone you known being murdered, but most people think someone in a depressed state of mind that destroys themselves shouldve gotten help. They look at that person like their death couldve been prevented only if they wouldve done something about it. Or maybe theyre guilty cause they shouldve been the good friend and known. Either way, no one chooses to be depressed. No one wants to be. And the last thing people want to really do is kill themsleves. So all these depressing thoughts ran thru my head.....and how suicidal people are looked down on. But what if suicide isnt suicide at all? What if suicide is really homicide? Would people feel more sorry then, and overlook the fact that someone took their own life?
People go from someone normal with natural emotions driven by some event OR someone(s) to a completely different state of mind and come to a point where theyre not themselves anymore. This doesnt mean they have multiple personalities, it just means the person you once knew or perhaps still think you know doesnt even exist. The secret murder is hidden underneath a mask of happiness and lies. Then without knowing the murderer seduces the person you know and ultimately consumes them into purgatory. Thus being homicide and not suicide.
NOT TO WORRY: Im ok, as a matter of fact I think aside from my daily depression Im doing better. Tom, yes has destroyed me. I have a gay guy friend, that I’ve had since I was in high school and I would never stop liking him just because one gay guy isnt comfortable with his own sexuality that he felt the need to use me to cover it up. Its obvious he doesnt love himself, or his life style and thats not my problem. Yea sure I feel bad that hes gonna go to hell when he dies unless he makes a change but that still wont erase all the pain he caused me. How could I ever forgive him? How could he ever expect me to be his friend? And Chad? Id like to think that he hasnt dabbed into Toms choice of lifestyle but seriously who am I trying to kid? Tom touched me....and theyre were other things Id rather not think about right now, and Chad? Well lets just say I got real close to Tom, and look how he turned out - or was all along. So for the fact that Chad wont even let me in, and Tom claims to have a boyfriend that he wont mention cause I might know him AND how he said him and Chad are friends again....well.....how much more obvious does it need to be made to me? So after 4 years of back n forth between 2 guys who lucks out of the love triangle? The 2 guys, with each other!!!! This is just my luck, every guy I like is Gay or Married. Not to mention the 2 ass holes from high school that were once in my life I happened to see not to long ago. Mark just starred and I ignored him due to the fact that hes ugly now. Im not being harsh either - seriously - EWW! What was I thinking.....thank god he cant prove anything between us. And as far as My high School Sweetheart of 3 years David.....I didnt even recognize him, all I seen was some guy waving to me in a store less than 3 feet away and Im thinking, who the hell is this? So I just wove back, thinking he was a total creep until I realized OH SHIT, thats my David! And of course when youre not ready to run into someone again, thats when you do. Jeans and a T-Shirt and no make-up.....hmmmm simple me just like in high school.....I was hoping when he saw me Id be described as a stuck up high maintenance bitch that looked like I been down the street and around the block since he apparently likes sluts! Eww, hes still with Michelle and the nerve of him, heres my number and my new address stop by sometime.....yea, bite me sometime!
N-E-Way it doesnt really matter cause I got Dec 16th off so I get to see Clay Aiken, and Im extremely excited about that. Not to mention that I like this guy named Benjamin Mckenzie.....he might sound familiar since he plays Ryan on The OC....yea well hes my future husband and not only is he EXTREMELY HOT, and very sweet and humble in person....but best of all he likes girls!!!!! This is the man of my dreams!!!!!