Today didn't go well...at all
I told mom I hated her today...not for the irst time either.
Actually, I told her that the reason I scream all the time and that everything she does is wrong is because "I fucking hate her", my exact words. Then I followed them with a panic attack and what I'm pretty sure was a near heart attack because my chest hurt and I couldn't breathe. Why am I like this...WHY THE FUCK IS SHE LIKE THIS!
Let me set the scene. I have a huge head ache, I am trying to sleep. I have one hour till I have to get up. She is taking out the recycling. The front door is right next to my bedroom. 7:00AM instead of lightly slightly shutting the door she slams it everytime she comes in and out to get the boxes. so I run out to ask her was she feels COMPELLED to SLAM the door every single time. She starts screaming at me because I always yell at her and everything she does is wrong. Thats when I follow (in gasps of breath) that its because I fucking hate her and before I move I will indeed have the heart attack she is forcing on me. FUCK! It's like that ALL THE TIME!
It's true, everything she does really is wrong. I don't know how I feel anymore. You're suppose to love family and I don't hate her but I can't say that I love her...cuz I don't think I do. I don't like nanny, I don't like her, and I do not like myself...but I am NOT her.
I hate home. I want to go to work. They yell at me sometimes but it's not home. I'm really close to yelling something to mom that will really break her heart...Something dad told me as kind of a funny true fact about myself. I shouldn't though. I'm going to keep it inside. I shouldn't even type it. It's mean, but true. Worse then I hate you.
*You hate everything about me. Then why do you still love me*
Actually, I told her that the reason I scream all the time and that everything she does is wrong is because "I fucking hate her", my exact words. Then I followed them with a panic attack and what I'm pretty sure was a near heart attack because my chest hurt and I couldn't breathe. Why am I like this...WHY THE FUCK IS SHE LIKE THIS!
Let me set the scene. I have a huge head ache, I am trying to sleep. I have one hour till I have to get up. She is taking out the recycling. The front door is right next to my bedroom. 7:00AM instead of lightly slightly shutting the door she slams it everytime she comes in and out to get the boxes. so I run out to ask her was she feels COMPELLED to SLAM the door every single time. She starts screaming at me because I always yell at her and everything she does is wrong. Thats when I follow (in gasps of breath) that its because I fucking hate her and before I move I will indeed have the heart attack she is forcing on me. FUCK! It's like that ALL THE TIME!
It's true, everything she does really is wrong. I don't know how I feel anymore. You're suppose to love family and I don't hate her but I can't say that I love her...cuz I don't think I do. I don't like nanny, I don't like her, and I do not like myself...but I am NOT her.
I hate home. I want to go to work. They yell at me sometimes but it's not home. I'm really close to yelling something to mom that will really break her heart...Something dad told me as kind of a funny true fact about myself. I shouldn't though. I'm going to keep it inside. I shouldn't even type it. It's mean, but true. Worse then I hate you.
*You hate everything about me. Then why do you still love me*