when you think of me, your heart will stop
Sorry for the past few incoherent entries. I haven't really been in the right mind set to narrative the events of my life over the past few weeks, it's all getting to be a little much.
But I have a lot to say and no one to say it to, so internet-ho!
I was talking to Nicole the other day (shut up, i know) and she revealed to me that Theresa had posted a bulletin on her MySpace pretty much saying her problems at home had come to a head with her guardian and her parents arranging for her to move back home in 2 months time.
Fuck. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. It must have been an elaborate practical joke. It wasn't.
I frantically fired off a few tearful text messages for Theresa begging her to let me be with her before she left. Everything else didn't seem to matter. For a blissful, frightening second all my anxiety about her and us and where we were going and why she couldn't love me disappeared....and became replaced with NEW anxiety, that feeling of someone you care about being forcibly ejected from your life with no rational or logical explanation.
I went to Spiderman with butterflies in my stomach, but when I returned home she called me and we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning listening to each others' sobs. Creepy? Yeah, a little. Cathartic? Absolutely.
It all became clear for a while. I wanted-- no HAD to be with her, to support her through this terrible transitional period. I had to help her in whatever way I can. Because that's what friends do. Friends.....friends. OH right friends. I have no goddamn idea what a friend is or how they act. I just know how to like or not like someone. Isn't this just another elaborate ruse to cover up your true motives and trick her into liking you? For shame. I can't believe you'd sink THIS low.
What kind of a horrible monster am I? At a time like THIS, I still can't stop chasing unrequited love. You are in so far over your head you can't see where you came in. This is ridiculous. For so many reasons.
She's not in the right mindset to even think of serious romance right now, not to mention with you, no matter how nice of a guy you are, or how many of the right things you say. She is in social and emotional limbo. Everything isn't real. Nothing really matters. Soon it'll all be gone. If she was smart she'd use this opportunity to do all these things she ever wanted to do but couldn't; bitch out those annoying whores that bother her in between classes and at lunch, hook up with all those cute guys she's had her eye on all these years, say those things she's always meant to say to everyone but couldn't ever really bring herself to.
That's what you'd do, right? Go out with a bang?
No.
This is the way my world ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
edit: i think im going to go watch voices of a distant star. i fear for my well being at this point.
edit2: oh my god i just cried myself to death holy shit what a beautiful movie
~*~
As I exhale, I think of questions to ask myself:
"What's your plan?"
"Do you think you're a man?"
"Has your little bit of success gone to your head?"
But I have a lot to say and no one to say it to, so internet-ho!
I was talking to Nicole the other day (shut up, i know) and she revealed to me that Theresa had posted a bulletin on her MySpace pretty much saying her problems at home had come to a head with her guardian and her parents arranging for her to move back home in 2 months time.
Fuck. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it. It must have been an elaborate practical joke. It wasn't.
I frantically fired off a few tearful text messages for Theresa begging her to let me be with her before she left. Everything else didn't seem to matter. For a blissful, frightening second all my anxiety about her and us and where we were going and why she couldn't love me disappeared....and became replaced with NEW anxiety, that feeling of someone you care about being forcibly ejected from your life with no rational or logical explanation.
I went to Spiderman with butterflies in my stomach, but when I returned home she called me and we stayed up until the wee hours of the morning listening to each others' sobs. Creepy? Yeah, a little. Cathartic? Absolutely.
It all became clear for a while. I wanted-- no HAD to be with her, to support her through this terrible transitional period. I had to help her in whatever way I can. Because that's what friends do. Friends.....friends. OH right friends. I have no goddamn idea what a friend is or how they act. I just know how to like or not like someone. Isn't this just another elaborate ruse to cover up your true motives and trick her into liking you? For shame. I can't believe you'd sink THIS low.
What kind of a horrible monster am I? At a time like THIS, I still can't stop chasing unrequited love. You are in so far over your head you can't see where you came in. This is ridiculous. For so many reasons.
She's not in the right mindset to even think of serious romance right now, not to mention with you, no matter how nice of a guy you are, or how many of the right things you say. She is in social and emotional limbo. Everything isn't real. Nothing really matters. Soon it'll all be gone. If she was smart she'd use this opportunity to do all these things she ever wanted to do but couldn't; bitch out those annoying whores that bother her in between classes and at lunch, hook up with all those cute guys she's had her eye on all these years, say those things she's always meant to say to everyone but couldn't ever really bring herself to.
That's what you'd do, right? Go out with a bang?
No.
This is the way my world ends. Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
edit: i think im going to go watch voices of a distant star. i fear for my well being at this point.
edit2: oh my god i just cried myself to death holy shit what a beautiful movie
~*~
As I exhale, I think of questions to ask myself:
"What's your plan?"
"Do you think you're a man?"
"Has your little bit of success gone to your head?"