i'm on your side
I'm getting some good, clear thinking done lately. It's great stuff and makes me wonder how I can ever view things as obsufcatedly as they seem to be some times.
The question I've been pondering today: why do I consistently go after the same types of women when it only ever ends in heartbreak, tragedy, and alienation?
There is something in me that likes to be a 'fixer'. Something of a 'knight in shining armor' complex that drives me to seek out...how do I put this delicately...non-traditional women, who have lived non-traditional lives (hey that wasn't half bad) and try to save them from, well...often, as it turns out, save them from themselves.
Part of it is, I guess, that I like to be the normal one in the relationship. These kind of relationships tend to be trickier to maintain, due to the finickiness of both parties involved, and have the appearance of being 'more interesting' than more normal, traditional ones, which, on its face, also tends to seem more appealing, as easily bored as I am.
But this seems at odds with other core values that I have; the belief that I am a human being of immense worth and deserve nothing less than exactly what I desire in a partner. Maybe I've just watched one too many bad high school teen drama movies where 2 amazing people collide and they find exactly what they were looking for, but I've always felt that at some point I will find that as well.
There is some sort of bizarre cognitive dissonance that exists between my desire for romantic intimacy of any kind (emotional or sexual) and my perfectionist, obsessive inability to accept anything less than absolute perfection.
So how do I reconcile that? In reflection, I've noticed that I tend to exaggerate the positive and undermine (and even sometimes blatantly ignore) the negative in whoever I am into at the time.
I'm feeling the same sort of disturbing revulsion that I felt when I got out of my relationship with Chelssy. That whole sort of 'what the FUCK was I thinking?' sense of failure and self-delusion. When you re-examine a person post-relationship and re-evaluate their qualities, there is bound to be some anger-induced bias/disparity in the perception between what you see now and what you thought you saw, but I am consistently overwhelmed with just HOW vast the disparity often is.
In retrospect, it seems almost TOO obvious. How could I have ignored so much in a vain attempt to gain so little?
Everyone told me 'dude, don't go there'. I ignored them. I told them they didn't know her like I did. I thought they were just jealous. They didn't want me to be happy.
Then she told me 'I can't believe you want to go there'. And what did I say? 'I don't care. It's not important. It is insignificant to the scope of these proceedings'.
But it ISN'T. To say that how someone has acted in the past, how they are acting now, and how they will act in the future aren't at all related is just self-delusion in its purest form.
I really am the eternal optimist, despite my reputation. I give everyone I care about the benefit of the doubt, often at my peril, because of my belief in the power of love, as corny and completely out of character as it sounds.
There are so many things that seemed so small and insignificant at the time that I thought I could just let go, but they all stacked up, collapsed, and caught me in the undertow.
Maybe I need to reassess what I want in a partner. Try to figure out how to keep this sort of ridiculous bullshit from happening anymore.
Welp, I've got nothing but time. What DO I really want in a woman?
- Someone who understands and loves me for who I am
- Someone who I understand and I love for who they are
- Strong emotional connection between two dynamic people
- Intellectual and social stimulation
...is that really it? That seems so simple. Oh come on, you are such a liar. You didn't even mention 'pretty'. Don't pretend looks don't matter to you.
bare bones general obvious stuff:
- at least moderately physically attractive
- good sense of humor, able to take it/dish it out
- doesn't abuse too many illegal substances
- no cheaters no cheaters no cheaters
I'm afraid to go any further because I can seem myself continuing this list FOREVER until I have nailed down THE perfect woman. Someone I will never be able to find. And that makes things seem so hopeless.
edit: you dont even want to know how long this list was in the first revision of this entry. good god i am a freak.
I guess I really just need to get over this notion of 'the one' and 'romantic perfection'. No one's perfect. I'm certainly not. Maybe if I can get more in the moment and not get caught up in 'completion' I can begin to truly appreciate people who aren't as perfect as I'd really like them to be.
Good talk.
The question I've been pondering today: why do I consistently go after the same types of women when it only ever ends in heartbreak, tragedy, and alienation?
There is something in me that likes to be a 'fixer'. Something of a 'knight in shining armor' complex that drives me to seek out...how do I put this delicately...non-traditional women, who have lived non-traditional lives (hey that wasn't half bad) and try to save them from, well...often, as it turns out, save them from themselves.
Part of it is, I guess, that I like to be the normal one in the relationship. These kind of relationships tend to be trickier to maintain, due to the finickiness of both parties involved, and have the appearance of being 'more interesting' than more normal, traditional ones, which, on its face, also tends to seem more appealing, as easily bored as I am.
But this seems at odds with other core values that I have; the belief that I am a human being of immense worth and deserve nothing less than exactly what I desire in a partner. Maybe I've just watched one too many bad high school teen drama movies where 2 amazing people collide and they find exactly what they were looking for, but I've always felt that at some point I will find that as well.
There is some sort of bizarre cognitive dissonance that exists between my desire for romantic intimacy of any kind (emotional or sexual) and my perfectionist, obsessive inability to accept anything less than absolute perfection.
So how do I reconcile that? In reflection, I've noticed that I tend to exaggerate the positive and undermine (and even sometimes blatantly ignore) the negative in whoever I am into at the time.
I'm feeling the same sort of disturbing revulsion that I felt when I got out of my relationship with Chelssy. That whole sort of 'what the FUCK was I thinking?' sense of failure and self-delusion. When you re-examine a person post-relationship and re-evaluate their qualities, there is bound to be some anger-induced bias/disparity in the perception between what you see now and what you thought you saw, but I am consistently overwhelmed with just HOW vast the disparity often is.
In retrospect, it seems almost TOO obvious. How could I have ignored so much in a vain attempt to gain so little?
Everyone told me 'dude, don't go there'. I ignored them. I told them they didn't know her like I did. I thought they were just jealous. They didn't want me to be happy.
Then she told me 'I can't believe you want to go there'. And what did I say? 'I don't care. It's not important. It is insignificant to the scope of these proceedings'.
But it ISN'T. To say that how someone has acted in the past, how they are acting now, and how they will act in the future aren't at all related is just self-delusion in its purest form.
I really am the eternal optimist, despite my reputation. I give everyone I care about the benefit of the doubt, often at my peril, because of my belief in the power of love, as corny and completely out of character as it sounds.
There are so many things that seemed so small and insignificant at the time that I thought I could just let go, but they all stacked up, collapsed, and caught me in the undertow.
Maybe I need to reassess what I want in a partner. Try to figure out how to keep this sort of ridiculous bullshit from happening anymore.
Welp, I've got nothing but time. What DO I really want in a woman?
- Someone who understands and loves me for who I am
- Someone who I understand and I love for who they are
- Strong emotional connection between two dynamic people
- Intellectual and social stimulation
...is that really it? That seems so simple. Oh come on, you are such a liar. You didn't even mention 'pretty'. Don't pretend looks don't matter to you.
bare bones general obvious stuff:
- at least moderately physically attractive
- good sense of humor, able to take it/dish it out
- doesn't abuse too many illegal substances
- no cheaters no cheaters no cheaters
I'm afraid to go any further because I can seem myself continuing this list FOREVER until I have nailed down THE perfect woman. Someone I will never be able to find. And that makes things seem so hopeless.
edit: you dont even want to know how long this list was in the first revision of this entry. good god i am a freak.
I guess I really just need to get over this notion of 'the one' and 'romantic perfection'. No one's perfect. I'm certainly not. Maybe if I can get more in the moment and not get caught up in 'completion' I can begin to truly appreciate people who aren't as perfect as I'd really like them to be.
Good talk.