(no subject)
I am in juxtaposition between two of my lives, my Gloucester girlfriend life and my Amherst party life.
My brain is absolutely fried. I am riding the blue clouds of blissful ignorance. I think I've ceased caring. Either that or I've become too obsessed with control to be able to look at anything in my life introspectively. I am much more shallow and superficial than I used to be. Funny that I can say that but I don't feel like i can change it. I've just become a different person, a person that people seem to like a lot more, but who I am no so confident in.
My creative abilities - down the tube. I guess antidepressants cancel out creativity born out of artistic anguish. And I don't even really give a shit, because I just want to make it through this life and be loved and become the girl I want to be.
I guess this stage of denial, this stage of stunted growth, may be a defense mechanism in so ways. Things are moving so fast that I can't see so I've gotten used to things getting out of focus.
I'm sure this isn't the path to self-actualization. I'm happy because I have friends that I love and who care about me, but at the same time I feel as if I'm slightly losing myself.
So maybe there's hope that this summer will be a transformation for me. Like a butterfly out of a cocoon.
I am looking forward to patching up my relationship with Tim. I'm not very sympathetic or understanding towards him, even though he's the bravest, toughest guy I've ever met for all the things he's lived through. I want him to be the best he can be but now he's just languishing in his own denial, with no motivation or desire to change. I've been critical of his mother in the past for making a big deal out of his marijuana use, but I can see why she's concerned - she just doesn't know that it's not because he's smoking marijuana. It's because he's supremely depressed because he comes from a fucked up family.
I can't wait to spend my nights with him, in his room. We'll rent movies and watch them together, and I'll order tons of chicken kabob salads from Mike's, I'll finally organize his room and make it livable, we'll grow beautiful marijuana plants together, and we'll take plenty of walks with Brimley, Amigo and Jolly.
I'm worried about not having a job, however. I seriously need to straighten this situation out or it will be a huge stressor in my life. If I don't have a job this summer, I'll be constantly taking from my parents and from Tim, which is not a situation I'm comfortable with. But where can I work? Will it be a good job or torturous work? Will I have a nice boss? I've almost considered selling weed, maybe partnering with Nate, but that isn't a reliable source of income at all.
Goals this summer:
1. Be loving, nurturing and sexy for Tim.
2. Get over my issues with food and eat healthily.
3. Self-actualize (ok ... maybe this one's a bit unrealistic)
My brain is absolutely fried. I am riding the blue clouds of blissful ignorance. I think I've ceased caring. Either that or I've become too obsessed with control to be able to look at anything in my life introspectively. I am much more shallow and superficial than I used to be. Funny that I can say that but I don't feel like i can change it. I've just become a different person, a person that people seem to like a lot more, but who I am no so confident in.
My creative abilities - down the tube. I guess antidepressants cancel out creativity born out of artistic anguish. And I don't even really give a shit, because I just want to make it through this life and be loved and become the girl I want to be.
I guess this stage of denial, this stage of stunted growth, may be a defense mechanism in so ways. Things are moving so fast that I can't see so I've gotten used to things getting out of focus.
I'm sure this isn't the path to self-actualization. I'm happy because I have friends that I love and who care about me, but at the same time I feel as if I'm slightly losing myself.
So maybe there's hope that this summer will be a transformation for me. Like a butterfly out of a cocoon.
I am looking forward to patching up my relationship with Tim. I'm not very sympathetic or understanding towards him, even though he's the bravest, toughest guy I've ever met for all the things he's lived through. I want him to be the best he can be but now he's just languishing in his own denial, with no motivation or desire to change. I've been critical of his mother in the past for making a big deal out of his marijuana use, but I can see why she's concerned - she just doesn't know that it's not because he's smoking marijuana. It's because he's supremely depressed because he comes from a fucked up family.
I can't wait to spend my nights with him, in his room. We'll rent movies and watch them together, and I'll order tons of chicken kabob salads from Mike's, I'll finally organize his room and make it livable, we'll grow beautiful marijuana plants together, and we'll take plenty of walks with Brimley, Amigo and Jolly.
I'm worried about not having a job, however. I seriously need to straighten this situation out or it will be a huge stressor in my life. If I don't have a job this summer, I'll be constantly taking from my parents and from Tim, which is not a situation I'm comfortable with. But where can I work? Will it be a good job or torturous work? Will I have a nice boss? I've almost considered selling weed, maybe partnering with Nate, but that isn't a reliable source of income at all.
Goals this summer:
1. Be loving, nurturing and sexy for Tim.
2. Get over my issues with food and eat healthily.
3. Self-actualize (ok ... maybe this one's a bit unrealistic)