Some things you can't undo ---
So this week was a little rough, and I'm pretty sure this following week will be jam packed as well with not a moment to spare, BUT. I am going away to Cuba on Friday the 27th of October, 2006. And I am so freaking excited oh my god.
I need this break so fucking badly.
I am near the break and I feel everything on the crescent of my back, and it's building up like rust builds up because of time. It's building up on me, because of too little time, too many things to do.
I wish people would follow through with the things they say they're going to do - like call the volunteers that they're asking to volunteer at their company. The Markham Theatre kind of never called me, or emailed me. Whatever, I can't handle it right now anyway. Maybe a bit later? I just wish they had the courtesy to call or something, if they weren't going to want me coming in? Maybe it was just a mix up, and maybe I am too busy, but it's still a human thing to do you know.
It's 4 pm and I haven't really started any important homework. I really really really need to work on my speech. I wish I had the drive to work on it right now, but I've been eating for the past 24 hours and I'm really fricken drowsy, considering I went to bed at like 3 am today. Me and Mehek were watching One Tree Hill, and we made muffins and had lots and lots and lots of good food and crying and sadness and laughter and I just liked chilling out with her on a Friday night.
It is nice to have things like that, to slow down once in a while. Even if there are other things waiting for you, things coming closer every second that you wish wouldn't come, but they come and time passes and you get through it. The world always keeps turning. At least I'll never die from boredom right?
I am so glad for November break. I would/probably/might have broken down if not for it. You know why? Because I can't do anything. That's honestly what it feels like everything comes down to right now - I can't keep a boy, I can't handle my job, I can't keep my grades up, I can't finish student council stuff, I can't even reconcile with one of my best friends, I can't stop being stubborn, I can't seem to get ANYWHERE. All I am doing, honestly, from going insane? Is just breathing and taking it a day at a time and wearing myself out enough to not be awake enough to think about all of the things going wrong. I just make myself not have time to think about everything, and it works.
But I miss reading, and drawing and laughing and crying and hanging out with my friends. I miss hugs and I miss tears and it feels like I miss everything. I feel like I'm walking around in a glass box and I'm trying to tell everyone I miss them, but I'M RIGHT THERE. They just can't hear me. I bang on the glass and I scream and I cry but noone can hear me, noone can see me. And It kills me inside because I just end up GIVING up and putting on a happy face.
Things aren't actually as horrible as I'm making them out to be I think. That was just.. what I want myself to feel like about everything.
Is that fucked up or what?
I can't decipher my feelings anymore. I don't know what anything means or what kind of advice I can give. My advice seems pointless because any answer could be argued as the wrong answer.
I guess I'm just going through a confusing, tiring time. And both together (tiring + confusing), is wearing me out and I just need to stop.
I wish things would get better and solve themselves. It's so much easier to live in the TV then in your own life.
I need this break so fucking badly.
I am near the break and I feel everything on the crescent of my back, and it's building up like rust builds up because of time. It's building up on me, because of too little time, too many things to do.
I wish people would follow through with the things they say they're going to do - like call the volunteers that they're asking to volunteer at their company. The Markham Theatre kind of never called me, or emailed me. Whatever, I can't handle it right now anyway. Maybe a bit later? I just wish they had the courtesy to call or something, if they weren't going to want me coming in? Maybe it was just a mix up, and maybe I am too busy, but it's still a human thing to do you know.
It's 4 pm and I haven't really started any important homework. I really really really need to work on my speech. I wish I had the drive to work on it right now, but I've been eating for the past 24 hours and I'm really fricken drowsy, considering I went to bed at like 3 am today. Me and Mehek were watching One Tree Hill, and we made muffins and had lots and lots and lots of good food and crying and sadness and laughter and I just liked chilling out with her on a Friday night.
It is nice to have things like that, to slow down once in a while. Even if there are other things waiting for you, things coming closer every second that you wish wouldn't come, but they come and time passes and you get through it. The world always keeps turning. At least I'll never die from boredom right?
I am so glad for November break. I would/probably/might have broken down if not for it. You know why? Because I can't do anything. That's honestly what it feels like everything comes down to right now - I can't keep a boy, I can't handle my job, I can't keep my grades up, I can't finish student council stuff, I can't even reconcile with one of my best friends, I can't stop being stubborn, I can't seem to get ANYWHERE. All I am doing, honestly, from going insane? Is just breathing and taking it a day at a time and wearing myself out enough to not be awake enough to think about all of the things going wrong. I just make myself not have time to think about everything, and it works.
But I miss reading, and drawing and laughing and crying and hanging out with my friends. I miss hugs and I miss tears and it feels like I miss everything. I feel like I'm walking around in a glass box and I'm trying to tell everyone I miss them, but I'M RIGHT THERE. They just can't hear me. I bang on the glass and I scream and I cry but noone can hear me, noone can see me. And It kills me inside because I just end up GIVING up and putting on a happy face.
Things aren't actually as horrible as I'm making them out to be I think. That was just.. what I want myself to feel like about everything.
Is that fucked up or what?
I can't decipher my feelings anymore. I don't know what anything means or what kind of advice I can give. My advice seems pointless because any answer could be argued as the wrong answer.
I guess I'm just going through a confusing, tiring time. And both together (tiring + confusing), is wearing me out and I just need to stop.
I wish things would get better and solve themselves. It's so much easier to live in the TV then in your own life.