In/Out - A Backlog
I remember hearing a story about an austistic man in his thirties who moved into a cross betveen a conventional and a care home after spending most of his life in a mental institution. The woman who owned the home had a piano, and the man sat down to play it. Without speaking, and only occasionally eating, he played it every waking moment. It was never the same song twice.
After three days, the woman who owned the home said "I'm worried. And I don't understand what he's doing."
"It's all the music he's ever heard on the radio," said the former care attendant. "He's remembered it the whole time. But only now does it have a chance to get out."
I wonder how it felt for him.
The personal parallel? Gender of course.
With the psychological and social blocks around "I'm a girl" removed, about a quarter century of material is spilling out.
All those science fiction or fantasy books where I thought, I wonder if in this hypothetical world, you could change your sex...? A large number of books shake this memory up. And that despair of I guess thinking about it is as close as I'll ever get.
Memories of high school and not telling my friends what I thought. Every roleplaying game where I thought I'd really like to squeeze this in there, but it ain't gonna fit. They're already looking at me funny. Yeah, well. We're adults now. And I play with a lot of queers. And I'm a lass. So I can play female characters now if I dawn well want, fuck you very much. (But I have barely played in the last several years...?)
My Hallowe'en costumes too. Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to make a Ranma outfit? I went as Ryouga once because I liked the series a lot, but dressing up as Ranma would feel less like fun and more like a kick in the stomach. I haven't even watched the series in... a decade? But "wear a ranma outfit and not feel like shit" is still on my to-do list.
As is
"cross-dress in male clothes"
and
"be topless somewhere where people may object."
I am still trying to make some kind of peace religiously. Part of the problem is that my/his old religious beliefs are bound up in a mindset of self-ablation, and may simply not be recoverable.
It's odd having this backlog from a prior life. Like finding a cache of unopened case files, then processing them.
In Box: Every memory is going back to a space of helplessness.
Out Box: Every action is giving that helplessness the finger.
After three days, the woman who owned the home said "I'm worried. And I don't understand what he's doing."
"It's all the music he's ever heard on the radio," said the former care attendant. "He's remembered it the whole time. But only now does it have a chance to get out."
I wonder how it felt for him.
The personal parallel? Gender of course.
With the psychological and social blocks around "I'm a girl" removed, about a quarter century of material is spilling out.
All those science fiction or fantasy books where I thought, I wonder if in this hypothetical world, you could change your sex...? A large number of books shake this memory up. And that despair of I guess thinking about it is as close as I'll ever get.
Memories of high school and not telling my friends what I thought. Every roleplaying game where I thought I'd really like to squeeze this in there, but it ain't gonna fit. They're already looking at me funny. Yeah, well. We're adults now. And I play with a lot of queers. And I'm a lass. So I can play female characters now if I dawn well want, fuck you very much. (But I have barely played in the last several years...?)
My Hallowe'en costumes too. Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to make a Ranma outfit? I went as Ryouga once because I liked the series a lot, but dressing up as Ranma would feel less like fun and more like a kick in the stomach. I haven't even watched the series in... a decade? But "wear a ranma outfit and not feel like shit" is still on my to-do list.
As is
"cross-dress in male clothes"
and
"be topless somewhere where people may object."
I am still trying to make some kind of peace religiously. Part of the problem is that my/his old religious beliefs are bound up in a mindset of self-ablation, and may simply not be recoverable.
It's odd having this backlog from a prior life. Like finding a cache of unopened case files, then processing them.
In Box: Every memory is going back to a space of helplessness.
Out Box: Every action is giving that helplessness the finger.