(no subject)
(This is part of why I have a lot of respect for transgendered people in general)
Part Three: Making a Very Hard Decision
(Again, this is from a transsexual perspective - experiences will vary)
This problem is eating you. It is cutting into your life. And it is taking serious cognitive effort to ignore it
Is it around the edges of your mind?
You know that stab you feel whenever you see one of those people? Imagine meeting someone who is like you in many ways including being of the same gender, and probably have some similar interests, background elements, or values to yourself. They have their shit together in some way that you do not. I don't so much mean the virtuous idols, the icons of unversal repsect: not the Ghandis, the Aung Sans, the Bantings, the Prophets, the King Jrs, the Atwoods, the Feinburgs. Not them. Yes sometimes these people might be famous, but the ones you are really drawn to are the ones you've seen in person, especially the ones you've spoken with, and above all, the ones you know well. They could be a family member, or a mentor, or a family friend. Or they could be someone from work or school who just seems to be the kind of person you'd like to be.
The feeling: maybe I could be like that. I could be like that person in that space of being. Not in all ways, just some. The same kind of person.
This is the person whose presence makes you adjust your walk, your body language, aligning it with them. To whom your compare yourself favourably, and through whom you look into your possible future. You see yourself through them.
Now imagine if the vast majority of the time that you had this feeling, that person who you thought you could be like was of the other gender. What are you supposed to do? Yes you could embody some of the skills or talents. But be like them? Unlikely.
A deep and sick sadness: you can never be anything like that. Trying to would be a joke. Can you even mention this? Can you say it to a friend? Can you say it to yourself?
Maybe you feel envious, maybe you feel lost.
What are you supposed to be? Who are you? Are you proud of yourself? How do you feel about your life? Are you alive? Or just living?
What is the problem here? What is it's name? What gives? Why do you so hate being the sex you are? It makes no sense, and there's no answer.
No. Actually you know what the answer is. You've named it before and you've thoroughly boxed, locked and buried it. But once named, you can't lose it.
You know that you would be elated to wake up the next day in the right sex, the right gender, and get up and go off to work with no problem. But, as the series of birthday wishes and 4-am prayers have shown, that is not going to happen.
There will be no waking up changed. There will be no solution. There will be no miracle technology.
Given this, your options range from changing to your sex, which means living as a transsexual, to not changing sex, and living with a thing that you know, on some level, is killing you.
So which way are you going to go?
Transsexual:
This is going to change your life on a fundamental level. Hopefully, it will fix your life on a fundamental level. The catches are numerous.
You will need a large amount of money at the same time that you will have a hard time finding or keeping a job. Like water when crossing a desert, you do not want to run out halfway through. Do you have enough to make the trip? Really? If so, you're extraordinarily lucky. You will probably have to learn how to make do on the way.
You will not be taken seriously as who you say you are. Despite all your efforts, and what common sense might imply, people will assume that you are either the other gender, or some sort of not-gender. This may be temporary, and it may pass. It may be permanent. It may be constant, or fickle. These people may include your friends and family.
You will no longer fit in with mainstream employment standards of presentable appearance.
If you date, or just want sex, people will assume that you are undesirable. Socially undesirable. Being seen with you stands as a challenge to their sexual orientation and ability to find a better partner. When they find out that you are trans, they may take it well, or they may leave, or they may claim that you were deceiving them in an effort to ge into their pants. In this last case, especially if you are a straight woman, they may attack you for this slight on their honour - even if you weren't dating them, or had even spoken to them, but just because they thought you were hot. Other people may find their actions perfectly acceptable, given that you clearly provoked them.
Some gays and lesbians will be supportive. Others will very much not be supportive.
Something similar goes for social services.
If you use either washroom, you may be kicked out. If there's alcohol nearby, you might be assaulted.
If you used either changeroom, you will be kicked out. You may be arrested and charged with indecent exposure. This will show up on a criminal records check.
Oh hell. See everything on this list?
http://www.t-vox.org/index.php?title=Cisgender_Privilege#Cisgender_Privilege_Checklist
You probably have most of it right now, in full or in part.
Of what you have, you will lose, some, most or all of it. You may get some of it back, over time. Or not. You will ilkely be surprised at how quickly its loss cuts into your options
This grindingly slow process will be the hardest thing that you will ever do. And it may not end well. And if it ends poorly, many people will see it as being your fault.
On the other hand, living in the wrong sex for the rest of your life, with the knowledge that it will never end, is slowly killing you.
Or there are middle ground spaces that mix a bit of both: sometimes they are better, though often the middle is worse than either "option."
Now. Choose.
Part Three: Making a Very Hard Decision
(Again, this is from a transsexual perspective - experiences will vary)
This problem is eating you. It is cutting into your life. And it is taking serious cognitive effort to ignore it
Is it around the edges of your mind?
You know that stab you feel whenever you see one of those people? Imagine meeting someone who is like you in many ways including being of the same gender, and probably have some similar interests, background elements, or values to yourself. They have their shit together in some way that you do not. I don't so much mean the virtuous idols, the icons of unversal repsect: not the Ghandis, the Aung Sans, the Bantings, the Prophets, the King Jrs, the Atwoods, the Feinburgs. Not them. Yes sometimes these people might be famous, but the ones you are really drawn to are the ones you've seen in person, especially the ones you've spoken with, and above all, the ones you know well. They could be a family member, or a mentor, or a family friend. Or they could be someone from work or school who just seems to be the kind of person you'd like to be.
The feeling: maybe I could be like that. I could be like that person in that space of being. Not in all ways, just some. The same kind of person.
This is the person whose presence makes you adjust your walk, your body language, aligning it with them. To whom your compare yourself favourably, and through whom you look into your possible future. You see yourself through them.
Now imagine if the vast majority of the time that you had this feeling, that person who you thought you could be like was of the other gender. What are you supposed to do? Yes you could embody some of the skills or talents. But be like them? Unlikely.
A deep and sick sadness: you can never be anything like that. Trying to would be a joke. Can you even mention this? Can you say it to a friend? Can you say it to yourself?
Maybe you feel envious, maybe you feel lost.
What are you supposed to be? Who are you? Are you proud of yourself? How do you feel about your life? Are you alive? Or just living?
What is the problem here? What is it's name? What gives? Why do you so hate being the sex you are? It makes no sense, and there's no answer.
No. Actually you know what the answer is. You've named it before and you've thoroughly boxed, locked and buried it. But once named, you can't lose it.
You know that you would be elated to wake up the next day in the right sex, the right gender, and get up and go off to work with no problem. But, as the series of birthday wishes and 4-am prayers have shown, that is not going to happen.
There will be no waking up changed. There will be no solution. There will be no miracle technology.
Given this, your options range from changing to your sex, which means living as a transsexual, to not changing sex, and living with a thing that you know, on some level, is killing you.
So which way are you going to go?
Transsexual:
This is going to change your life on a fundamental level. Hopefully, it will fix your life on a fundamental level. The catches are numerous.
You will need a large amount of money at the same time that you will have a hard time finding or keeping a job. Like water when crossing a desert, you do not want to run out halfway through. Do you have enough to make the trip? Really? If so, you're extraordinarily lucky. You will probably have to learn how to make do on the way.
You will not be taken seriously as who you say you are. Despite all your efforts, and what common sense might imply, people will assume that you are either the other gender, or some sort of not-gender. This may be temporary, and it may pass. It may be permanent. It may be constant, or fickle. These people may include your friends and family.
You will no longer fit in with mainstream employment standards of presentable appearance.
If you date, or just want sex, people will assume that you are undesirable. Socially undesirable. Being seen with you stands as a challenge to their sexual orientation and ability to find a better partner. When they find out that you are trans, they may take it well, or they may leave, or they may claim that you were deceiving them in an effort to ge into their pants. In this last case, especially if you are a straight woman, they may attack you for this slight on their honour - even if you weren't dating them, or had even spoken to them, but just because they thought you were hot. Other people may find their actions perfectly acceptable, given that you clearly provoked them.
Some gays and lesbians will be supportive. Others will very much not be supportive.
Something similar goes for social services.
If you use either washroom, you may be kicked out. If there's alcohol nearby, you might be assaulted.
If you used either changeroom, you will be kicked out. You may be arrested and charged with indecent exposure. This will show up on a criminal records check.
Oh hell. See everything on this list?
http://www.t-vox.org/index.php?title=Cisgender_Privilege#Cisgender_Privilege_Checklist
You probably have most of it right now, in full or in part.
Of what you have, you will lose, some, most or all of it. You may get some of it back, over time. Or not. You will ilkely be surprised at how quickly its loss cuts into your options
This grindingly slow process will be the hardest thing that you will ever do. And it may not end well. And if it ends poorly, many people will see it as being your fault.
On the other hand, living in the wrong sex for the rest of your life, with the knowledge that it will never end, is slowly killing you.
Or there are middle ground spaces that mix a bit of both: sometimes they are better, though often the middle is worse than either "option."
Now. Choose.