Holy fuck - I'm getting *what* now?
Yeah genital surgery. Three weexs after getting through the last barrier and I guess it's hit me. This is both good and bad, and dreams back this up.
Good Dreams:
A week or two before getting assessed, I had a dream where I was conistantly intact downastairs - as in during the dream and continuing right up to where it ended. First time this has ever happened. It was a vivid dream - one more figuaratively and literally colourful than most dreams. I'd had other vivid dreams where I was a cissexed female, but my body never came into it; pants stayed on at all times.
I'd had lucid dreams, where I'd attempt to change my body, but it stubbornly refused to shift.
I'd had erotic dreams that were fine until my body responded. Then came a familiar stiff feeling from my crotch and I'd realize deflated, oh crap, this is a dream isn't it? And I'm lying in bed with a hard-on. And the dream shifted accordingly, despite my attempts to will it away.
So anyway, the good dream. I partially stepped outside of my character (who worked for Valdemort), and it hit me, holy shit, I'm intact. It was as if Atlas had the world removed from his shoulders for good. (As opposed to the crashed erotic dreams where it felt like Atlas just after Heracles tricked him into taking up his post again).A weight off that you thought was going to be there forever. Not rejoicing so much as collapsing in vulnerable tears.
Bad Dreams:
Night before last, I had the second dream where I was consistantly intact downstairs. It was set after the big surgery, and I had a lot of bandages on. And I had to pee and I couldn't.
Despite all the things that really could go wrong, this unlikely scenario is what scares me the most about male-to-female genital surgery: they take you apart downstairs, then put you back together again. And this includes your urethra. You use a catheter for the first week.
Thisis brought home by me experience in Boston. I had a canteter in after surgery and felt the need to pee. I was told it was just the sensation produced by the bladder-bubble-end. I wanted it out, and when it came out, I still felt like I had to pee. Was it just irritation? The amount of urine that came out said otherwise.
All the other things that could go wrong. There's a lot of them and some of them are pretty scary. But the surgery has improved a lot and they're a lot more rarer now than they used to be. The horror stories are from over a decade ago. Still, they don't scare me as much: worst case scenario, I wind up without functioning female genitals. But this is still a step up on the status quo.
Urination on the other hand: that's different. It works just fine now. Don't want to lose it.
It's the right thing to do. Consider:
- Feeling comfortable naked
- Not getting that icky what-is-that? feeling every time I brush against my junk
- Sex with the right genitals
- Bulge? Gone! Erections? Ditto!
- Don't have to take anti-androgens anymore - less fatigue, trips to the washroom, and money out of my pocket
- Oh hell, it's just right. My body is supposed to...
Good Dreams:
A week or two before getting assessed, I had a dream where I was conistantly intact downastairs - as in during the dream and continuing right up to where it ended. First time this has ever happened. It was a vivid dream - one more figuaratively and literally colourful than most dreams. I'd had other vivid dreams where I was a cissexed female, but my body never came into it; pants stayed on at all times.
I'd had lucid dreams, where I'd attempt to change my body, but it stubbornly refused to shift.
I'd had erotic dreams that were fine until my body responded. Then came a familiar stiff feeling from my crotch and I'd realize deflated, oh crap, this is a dream isn't it? And I'm lying in bed with a hard-on. And the dream shifted accordingly, despite my attempts to will it away.
So anyway, the good dream. I partially stepped outside of my character (who worked for Valdemort), and it hit me, holy shit, I'm intact. It was as if Atlas had the world removed from his shoulders for good. (As opposed to the crashed erotic dreams where it felt like Atlas just after Heracles tricked him into taking up his post again).A weight off that you thought was going to be there forever. Not rejoicing so much as collapsing in vulnerable tears.
Bad Dreams:
Night before last, I had the second dream where I was consistantly intact downstairs. It was set after the big surgery, and I had a lot of bandages on. And I had to pee and I couldn't.
Despite all the things that really could go wrong, this unlikely scenario is what scares me the most about male-to-female genital surgery: they take you apart downstairs, then put you back together again. And this includes your urethra. You use a catheter for the first week.
Thisis brought home by me experience in Boston. I had a canteter in after surgery and felt the need to pee. I was told it was just the sensation produced by the bladder-bubble-end. I wanted it out, and when it came out, I still felt like I had to pee. Was it just irritation? The amount of urine that came out said otherwise.
All the other things that could go wrong. There's a lot of them and some of them are pretty scary. But the surgery has improved a lot and they're a lot more rarer now than they used to be. The horror stories are from over a decade ago. Still, they don't scare me as much: worst case scenario, I wind up without functioning female genitals. But this is still a step up on the status quo.
Urination on the other hand: that's different. It works just fine now. Don't want to lose it.
It's the right thing to do. Consider:
- Feeling comfortable naked
- Not getting that icky what-is-that? feeling every time I brush against my junk
- Sex with the right genitals
- Bulge? Gone! Erections? Ditto!
- Don't have to take anti-androgens anymore - less fatigue, trips to the washroom, and money out of my pocket
- Oh hell, it's just right. My body is supposed to...