If it makes simple sense, then you're doing it wrong
Scary either way: Surgery and hormones don't mix.
Androgen-blockers lower your blood pressure. Estradiol can cause blood clots. Since I need to be off them for two weeks before surgery, I start cutting down today.
The idea of this used to scare me. It should've. I'd gone through months of paperwork and assessements and totally unnecessary delays to get on the right set of hormones. Plus it was male hormones that put me in this shitty place where I have to dig myself out to get to a female body. So I didn't want to ever let them touch me again.
This fear of androgens is common to many transsexual women, especially those of us stuck with our testicles (which make testosterone). Some medical guides discouraged MtFs from screwing with their dosages on the grounds that it "might increase their androgen levels."It seems that there may be no proof behind this assertion; leaving some MtFs to wonder whether it's there to prevent people stepping up their doses. Upping male hormones is the only remaining threat that some MtFs will take seriously - for people who have already given up employment, marriage, family and physical safety to be MtF, transition may be the only thing left to threaten.
This may sound implausible or even conspiratorial, but it makes sense. A lot of transgender medicine has roots in grudgingly admitting of people who think they're the wrong sex and can't be cured. And a lot of transgender medicine just recycles data from past studies that had already been recycled and recycled and recycled - and the original turns out to not have any scientific weight behind it.
You know the oft-quoted figures of 1 in 14,000 male-assigned people is MtF and 1 in 40,000 female-assignees are FtM? It comes up a lot in transgender medicine. It turns out that it was an estimate compiled by Christine Jorgison's surgeon based on the letters he received by people looking for surgery. In other words, it's groundless. (and how many FtMs are going to write off to someone who can help you have a female body?)
The idea of being off hormones (espcially when you have two little testosterone factories on-standby in your pants) is scary - it means that your body slips out from under you and begins the slow walk-away of betrayal again. Just like it did during puberty. You turn back - more or less. Your work is undone.
It's an effective threat elsewhere. Go to (usually men's) jail; lose hormones (and either go into solitary for your entire stay and go nuts, or go into the general population get raped on a regular basis - I can't believe that I'd look fondly on the days when they used to jail the queens separately). Can't work with your doctor? Lose hormones. Run out of money? Lose hormones. Etcetera.
If this is not ringing bells for you, think of how cisgendered women would react if they were forcibly doped with testosterone under the above circumstances. It's basically the same thing, save that they will cause male changes anew in cissexed women, which are already present (albeit dampened) in transsexual women. On the other hand, cissexed women usually did not have to struggle to get female hormones in the first place, they're not seeing their work being undone and being assigned back into a category they escaped from.
But I find that I'm no longer as bothered by the idea of switching female for male hormones.
The six-months-long delay between trying to get on hormones and being able to start them at a low dose is over a year in the past, so it's not as vivid. But they also no longer pose the same threat to my identity as they once did. Psychologial adjustment and seeing myself as pretty-much-definitely-female-thank-you-very-much has something to do with this, as does realizing that I'm willing to accept being a gender so long as it does not involve being treated as tied to cisgender male, and seeing myself as butch also helps too. Maybe I'm even excited.
Since I see myself on this gender-variant female spectrum, the idea of curtailing female hormones ins favour of male ones temporarily is... confirming. It says "yes, you are here." After all ,what could be further from "male" than taking male hormones for a couple of weeks and recording what happens?
This may seem paradoxical. It is.
A little background maybe?
There's this spectrum that runs between genders.
Well there's more than one, and they're more like a series of interdependant four-dimensional spaces in which a given individual can be represented by a series of fuzzy fields, but I digress. We'll call it "a spectrum" because that's how we're taught to see it even though it's an inadequate descriptor.
This counterproductively simplified model runs between butch and FtM and it's called the "Transmasculine spectrum." Sometimes it's referred to as "female masculinity." And as originally proposed, it goes:
cissexed butch----------------- transgenderd butch (see text) ------------------------ FtM Man
A line.
This definitely includes female-ish-identified-butches and male-ish-identified FtMs (generally those who carry some identification with dyke roots). In its the blurryest middle, it includes people who Jack Halberstam described as "transgender butches." By this, Jack does not mean people like yours truly, but rather female-assigned people who generally present in a masculine or androgynous fashion, who also pursue some forms of body-modification generally intended for FtMs: binding and/or double mastectomy (AKA "chest reduction"), low or high doses of testosterone (AKA "shooting T") and possibly some form of genital (or "bottom") surgery. They are not men. Nor are they conventional butches. And in the liminal space between butch, and FtM, they are so much caught in the border war as they are the border.
The term "Border war" is used because this can be a tense and even hostile place. Here is what drives it.
- general society that says "you're one or the other"
- a transsexual medical system that sasy you're one or the other
- the fact that some dyke social circles are no more trans-friendly than mainstream society
There is also the following:
Many butches dislike getting mistaken for men, especially by their social circle, which is often composed of queer women. They don't want to be men. Most of them have taken a shot at passing as men at least once, and some have even started transitioning, only to drop it and turn back. Most want to be recognized as who they are without predjudice. They see other people in the same place as they were, and they want to help. Give a nudge: you know you don't have to be either a feminine woman, or a masculine man, you know?
And most trans men strongly dislike being mistaken for women. They tried being women. They hated it. But many saw no other choice. And most want to be recognized as who they are without predjudice. They see other people who look like they are in the same place that they were, and they want to help. Give a nudge: why don't you try binding your chest, and taking a little T? It changed my life, y'know?
This model is popular because it's intelligible without a lot of explanation (FtM is allegedly more masculuine/trans than tg butch, which is allegedelly more masculine/trans than cissexed butch). And it's intelligible because, under our society's binary gender system, it's intuitive - or as intuitive as blurry transgender self-concepts can get without really starting to ask hard questions.
It is an improvment. It was preceded by the model that said "If you have a female body and are masculine, then you're butch or FtM. Pick a side."
And that was preceded by the model of "you're a masculine man, or a feminine woman. Or a gender-variant homosexual. If you're in the third category, only then can you change to one of the first two."
Which was preceded by "you're a masculine man, or a feminine woman. Or a gender-variant homosexual."
So it's an improvement too. It makes space for people with female bodies who are also masculine and feel the need to do things with their bodies or social presentations that lean towards gender categories other than female. Binding. Name changes. Different pronouns. And trying out male hormones, if only for a little while.
Where spectra fail:
This spectrum has its flaws. It tacitly conflates FtM with masculine, and woman with feminine. It overlooks, and quietly denies the existence of:
- feminine transsexual men
- very masculine women who like their female bodies
- transsexual men who do not want, or cannot get, some or all of the traditional method of body modification
- non-butch genderqueers
- androgynous-presenting women
- sissy butches
- any female-assigned person who tries out hormones, chages names or pronouns, binds or gets top surgery, but who does not identify as butch or masculine, and might have sexual interests in genders other than female.
- people who fall into more than one of the above, fully or partially
- since our society conflates sexually desiring women with masculinty and desiring men with feminity, and since this developed in the dyke community, it kinda expects that you like girls, and only girls
You may notice certain similarites to how our society assumes that the more gender-variant a cissexed person is, the more gay they are. These are not so much similarities as they are two faces of exactly the same narrative.
There is, in theory a "transfeminine spectrum" for MtFs, but there is waaay less talk of it. Why that is the case is fodder for another post, but it goes something like:
nelly-----------queen----------hormone-using-queen--------------MtF-identified queer------------feminine transsexual woman
This is how our society sees things. When it sees things.
This has exactly the same problems of the FtM spectrum, but in reverse. Where the FtM spectrum fails female-bodied people, this spectrum fails me. Completely.
And this is how a lot of people interpret transgender - and this is how we're taught to perceive it. So this is a problem.
A practical example:
My uncle makes a family calendar every year. In it he puts pictures of everyone. We get along well and I like him. Furthermore, he supports and is interested in what I do, be it at work, or in transition. There are pictures of me in it from a year ago, when I was sorting out my presentation. And I think that they may have been selected for the calendar to be flattering. They generally look like a very feminine person with a male body.
I appreciate his effort.
But I hate those pictures.
They imply that after everything I've done, my gender identity is the opposite of what I'm molding it into.
The same goes for other attempts at support. I saw a counselor who kept saying "I'm sure you'll be a beautiful woman." Gee doc, Uh. Thanks. I know you mean well.
sometimes the only way to say the right thing is to use the wrong words.
So here is the problem. If I tell people that I am a male-to-female transsexual, they are less likely to believe my assertion that I am who I say I am - a masculine female. Instead they often conclude that I am "really" feminine (which ain't great, but I don't object) or that I am "really" male (which is bad) or, more commonly, both (which is worse and wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong), and that I'm starting out, or that I am just nuts.
If I do not tell them that I used to identify as male, then it makes it hard or impossible for me to relay experiences from my past. This can be a real problem if I'm trying to explain my employment or academic history, or present identifying documents.
So this is my compromise, at least for casual day-to-day reasons:
"I used to present as male and it didn't work out."
People who have a good and internalized understanding of gender (something I am working on myself), and know that expression, identity, body and orientation do not neatly go together, will understand that this can mean a variety of things, and which it means is not important because who I am now is not dictated by how I was. They may even figure it out. Good for them.
People who do not react this way (which could inculde myself if the situation was reversed), will probably go "Oh, she tried living as a guy once. That makes sense. I mean, look at her. If there's a woman lesbian who lived as a guy once and realized that it was wrong for her, she might look something like that. Glad you got that sorted out."
And it's true. Not very accurate, but more accurate than the common alternatives, which are:
"(s)he's identifying as a woman because (s)he's a very, very, very, feminine man."
Or
"What!? That can't be right! You're weird!"
Or they may just blink and go. Uh. Right. Transgendered I guess. Better try to keep this simple.
On Tuesday, I used this compromise expliticly for the first time. He got this look of I'm glad that's been resolved. Then he asked me which name I preferred.
Perfect.
But kinda awkward, 'cause I feel like I lied to him. But I had to tell him something - or just avoid him, which I'd rather not do. And the full truth would be a long conversation, which even after it's said, is hard for people to internalize. And if he can internalize it, can he repeat it to the next person who asks what the story is? And will they be able to internalize it?
I've been using this compromise implicitly for awhile without meaning to. So many people assume that I'm FtM, or somewhere on the spectrum just by looking at me. And then I find out, or someone tells them that my name is "Amy," and they go "oh, you're just kinda butch, I understand now.
And they do understand. And that understanding is true. Especially in terms of how it describes the present.
And it's a lot more accurate than the reverse.
This is something I learned from writing: sometimes the only way to get people to hear the right thing is to use the wrong words.
The deeper problem. The deeper solution.
Even I, with my volunteer experience, transition and upcoming post-bac diploma, haven't internalized that these spectra are inadequate. The above reaction of What!? That can't be right! still crops up in my head. And this makes it difficult to act cleanly and openly.
I guess I blame the media?
I wish I colud just pull it out of my head and break it, but it's hard to budge. I think I heard it move just now.
But being able to interpret myself as being on the transmasculine spectrum undoes this. Quashes it. And practical considerations aside, it feels right. I do feel co-gendered cameraderie with genderfucked people who aren't interested in femininty, and almost all of the people in this category that I've met were assigned female at birth.
I just feel like it's dishonest for me to claim it. Even though I know that that's bullshit because the best way that I find to approach transgender issues (or life in general) is to just accept that people are who they say they are. Now. Today.
Note: this system of transgender ettiquette does not apply to time-travellers.
And I am on that spectrum, even if it's not a clean fit. Actually it's rarely a clean fit for anyone because it's a bad model, as outlined above. It's not my fault that our society conflates gendered bodies with gender expressions. But as long as our society does, and uses that to deny who I am, I can use these stupid spectra to support who I am in day-to-day interactions, starting with the ones I have with myself.
As long as I can't get this false model out of my head (and let's face it, it might be a while), I can use it. With it, I can make things like a few weeks of male hormones confirming rather than undoing.
Seeing myself on the transmasculine -spectrum helps integrate the following with my identity without forcing mental gymnastics:
- male hormones
- why it is that others don't always interpret me as female
- why I'm not interested in traditional cultural symbols associated with "woman"
- what this thing is in my pants
- why I'm not sure if I want to take off my pants
- stubble
- why I am less comfortable in women's washrooms now than I was six months ago
- the overall shape of my body
I could feel that I'm not who I think I am, maybe I'm doing it wrong and a feeling that my sacrifices are being undone or were made in error. But instead, I can take this and say, it's alright; it's normal. Well okay not exactly normal. You wouldn't be happy being normal anyway. But it's okay and it's not going to hurt you:
It feels a lot better. And more realistic. I mean, if I was born female and I presented like this, wouldn't people still misatke me for a man?
Actually they wouldn't. If I was female-assigned I'd be bloody miniscule, and they' d mistake me for a twelve-year-old boy.
I don't know if that would be more or less irritating.
One advantage of being male bodied is that at least I'm big enough to find the occasional piece of men's clothes that fits. Or boys clothes designed for someone over the age of 10.
Another good approach, at least for us overly responsible and self-admonishing types, is to invert the golden rule and do unto ourselves as we would do unto others.
An even better piece of advice, that could have avoided all this if I can just learn to stick to it is:
No one has to justify themselves.
So stop worring about what what you think other people think you should do.
Just do what you want.
Be who you want.