Shaking, speaking, knocking hands, clapping hands
So anxious this morning as to be shaking.
The big deal is not so much all the little messages we give ourselves, so much as lifestyle management. I've been pushing myself for a year? And now it's not just "an issue I should look at," but a bear that's catching up to me and knocking me down. The last time I had a break of more than a long weekend was over a year ago. While I had August mostly to myself, I was assembling my own business, working in a metal shop, and, more saliently, dealing with my gender issues - so I was not able to relax: five solid hours of sleep was a good night.
Fortunately, in two weeks, I will suddenly have a lot fewer responsibilities. And that goes on for a week and a bit until I go to the BC-CFS conference, and then I get a break for pretty much the rest of August.
Two awesome things happened today:
1. I gave a classroom presentation in Ann Travers' sociology class. Ann's a prof to whom I'd not really spoken in some time. She said she'd introduce me to her students, and when I told her that "I'm changing my sex and going by Sasha now," she smiled, gave a hearty "rock on" and did the knocking-fists together thing (I don't know what it's called). She said that "that explains why I'm looking good" and then we talked about her research a bit.
This is exactly what I've wanted to happen when I've come out to someone, and this is the first time that is has. I've wanted someone to nod heartily and slap me on the shoulder, or hug me, not because they're worried or shocked, but thrilled and/or proud.
2. The other cool thing that happened today was giving a presentation in forum about our work on the CFS issue. It had been a long and boring meeting, but my report drew spontaneous and thunderous applause from a normally disaffected crowd. Nice work everyone.
Yeah. Heroics.
It was hard for me to enjoy either of these at the time - on both occasions, I was so jumpy as to climb the walls, but when I remember them, that anxiety isn't there. I can carry the memory around, purified.
The big deal is not so much all the little messages we give ourselves, so much as lifestyle management. I've been pushing myself for a year? And now it's not just "an issue I should look at," but a bear that's catching up to me and knocking me down. The last time I had a break of more than a long weekend was over a year ago. While I had August mostly to myself, I was assembling my own business, working in a metal shop, and, more saliently, dealing with my gender issues - so I was not able to relax: five solid hours of sleep was a good night.
Fortunately, in two weeks, I will suddenly have a lot fewer responsibilities. And that goes on for a week and a bit until I go to the BC-CFS conference, and then I get a break for pretty much the rest of August.
Two awesome things happened today:
1. I gave a classroom presentation in Ann Travers' sociology class. Ann's a prof to whom I'd not really spoken in some time. She said she'd introduce me to her students, and when I told her that "I'm changing my sex and going by Sasha now," she smiled, gave a hearty "rock on" and did the knocking-fists together thing (I don't know what it's called). She said that "that explains why I'm looking good" and then we talked about her research a bit.
This is exactly what I've wanted to happen when I've come out to someone, and this is the first time that is has. I've wanted someone to nod heartily and slap me on the shoulder, or hug me, not because they're worried or shocked, but thrilled and/or proud.
2. The other cool thing that happened today was giving a presentation in forum about our work on the CFS issue. It had been a long and boring meeting, but my report drew spontaneous and thunderous applause from a normally disaffected crowd. Nice work everyone.
Yeah. Heroics.
It was hard for me to enjoy either of these at the time - on both occasions, I was so jumpy as to climb the walls, but when I remember them, that anxiety isn't there. I can carry the memory around, purified.