a note to miss britney spears...
Dear Britney Spears,
Sit down, honey. we gotta talk.wanna diet mountain dew and a piece of watermelon bubbalicious? cheddar ruffles and a kool? sure. knock yourself out. What happened britney? once you were the pubescent light of our lives, the lip-synching fire of all teen boys loins. talentwise we never confused you with maria callas. or even maria conchita alonso, but you were sexy, precocious, and ambitious: madonna meets jonbenet. you made a couple of good songs- i really like 'im a slave for you' i didn't really care what anyone said-and you were americas ranking pop princess. britney versus christina? britney versus christina was like reagan versus mondale. but now im worried. your reputation is plunging faster than courtney love's blood sugar and your latest album was a disappointement. you canceled your summer tour b/c of a bum knee. your 55 hour ex husband squealed to the tabloids about hot britney sex. while christina was catwalking dsquared shows in milan, you were catwalking cinnabons in santa monica. and you are doing what you always do when you're feelin' down: you're gettin married.you look sad, honey. i saw photos of you and your mom having a run-in with the paparazzi at a pet shop. you cried and your mascara ran so much you looked like tammy faye baker watching terms of endearment. michael moore filleted you in fahrenheit 9/11 showing you saying "honestly i think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes." Good grief, britney. thinkin like that got monica lewinsky a monte-cristo between the thighs. you know how bad it's gotten britney? here's who's hotter than you: hoobastank. amd getting married isn't going to solve anything. i'm sure this kevin federline is a sweet young man with a bright, bright future, but look at him. baggy clothes, tilted baseball cap, permanent scowl-the george clooney of the food court. i won't even mention that k-fed's already a babydaddy or that he left his babymamma for you with another baby on the way. we'll let jerry springer sort that babydrama out. (oh, and kevin, vanilla ice called, he wants his sideburns back.) to think we all freaked out about fred durst... Here are some tips to get that career of your s back on track: focus on music. like your idol, madonna, you've never done so well when you've branched out into other areas. that new york restaurant, Nyla? Ducasse meets Denny's. your movie crossroads? the best i can say is that it was no kangaroo jack. Reinvent thyself. now, madonna knew about this one. no one thinks you should become, say, a singer, but it may not be a bad idea to recast your musical image. maybe ditch the dance pop for acid rock, country, or crunk. you don't even have to be convincing. look at ashley simpson- she's now a punk rocker. ashlee simpson is about as punk rock as lynne cheney's underwear drawer. Makeover! you knew this one was coming. britney, i love ya, but sometimes you dress like one of those fine ladies we see on cops, getting arrested for smoking methamphetamine in the 7eleven parking lot. A new boy. i know it's in poor taste, but i can't resist. here is just a quick rundown of eligible bachelors i think may be good for you: ben affleck, mike piazza, ralph nader, nathan lane, that senate candidate guy in chicago who blew it b/c of the sex clubs, john stamos, david lee roth, david gest, my uncle chuck-his parents have a mercedes and let him drive it on weekends. britney, i want you to be happy. no one wants to see you train wreck your career and become the next liz taylor. (ok maybe E! true holly wood story and Us weekly wouldn't mind) i want you to redisvocer that joy you had as a school girl in knee socks singing hit me baby, one more time, and discover there is life after teen pop.
with love, katy.
Sit down, honey. we gotta talk.wanna diet mountain dew and a piece of watermelon bubbalicious? cheddar ruffles and a kool? sure. knock yourself out. What happened britney? once you were the pubescent light of our lives, the lip-synching fire of all teen boys loins. talentwise we never confused you with maria callas. or even maria conchita alonso, but you were sexy, precocious, and ambitious: madonna meets jonbenet. you made a couple of good songs- i really like 'im a slave for you' i didn't really care what anyone said-and you were americas ranking pop princess. britney versus christina? britney versus christina was like reagan versus mondale. but now im worried. your reputation is plunging faster than courtney love's blood sugar and your latest album was a disappointement. you canceled your summer tour b/c of a bum knee. your 55 hour ex husband squealed to the tabloids about hot britney sex. while christina was catwalking dsquared shows in milan, you were catwalking cinnabons in santa monica. and you are doing what you always do when you're feelin' down: you're gettin married.you look sad, honey. i saw photos of you and your mom having a run-in with the paparazzi at a pet shop. you cried and your mascara ran so much you looked like tammy faye baker watching terms of endearment. michael moore filleted you in fahrenheit 9/11 showing you saying "honestly i think we should just trust our president in every decision he makes." Good grief, britney. thinkin like that got monica lewinsky a monte-cristo between the thighs. you know how bad it's gotten britney? here's who's hotter than you: hoobastank. amd getting married isn't going to solve anything. i'm sure this kevin federline is a sweet young man with a bright, bright future, but look at him. baggy clothes, tilted baseball cap, permanent scowl-the george clooney of the food court. i won't even mention that k-fed's already a babydaddy or that he left his babymamma for you with another baby on the way. we'll let jerry springer sort that babydrama out. (oh, and kevin, vanilla ice called, he wants his sideburns back.) to think we all freaked out about fred durst... Here are some tips to get that career of your s back on track: focus on music. like your idol, madonna, you've never done so well when you've branched out into other areas. that new york restaurant, Nyla? Ducasse meets Denny's. your movie crossroads? the best i can say is that it was no kangaroo jack. Reinvent thyself. now, madonna knew about this one. no one thinks you should become, say, a singer, but it may not be a bad idea to recast your musical image. maybe ditch the dance pop for acid rock, country, or crunk. you don't even have to be convincing. look at ashley simpson- she's now a punk rocker. ashlee simpson is about as punk rock as lynne cheney's underwear drawer. Makeover! you knew this one was coming. britney, i love ya, but sometimes you dress like one of those fine ladies we see on cops, getting arrested for smoking methamphetamine in the 7eleven parking lot. A new boy. i know it's in poor taste, but i can't resist. here is just a quick rundown of eligible bachelors i think may be good for you: ben affleck, mike piazza, ralph nader, nathan lane, that senate candidate guy in chicago who blew it b/c of the sex clubs, john stamos, david lee roth, david gest, my uncle chuck-his parents have a mercedes and let him drive it on weekends. britney, i want you to be happy. no one wants to see you train wreck your career and become the next liz taylor. (ok maybe E! true holly wood story and Us weekly wouldn't mind) i want you to redisvocer that joy you had as a school girl in knee socks singing hit me baby, one more time, and discover there is life after teen pop.
with love, katy.