Light the Candle
June 4th, 2008
One year ago, I began my journey in a new place at a new job with new people. One year later, I'm doing the same. I think.
I have come to a point in my life where there is no assumption of the future, no inevitable choice mapped out and no one to hold me back. Now that I have graduated from college, my options are limitless. And yet, I've never been so conflicted. There is a job in Minneapolis that I may be offered. A job that would secure me with good money, benefits, and personal development while also helping others in an untraditional way. A job with creative freedoms, deep avenues for independent thinking and also many travel opportunities around the country. Sounds wonderful, right? Well, it's also a several year commitment and it has nothing or little to do with what I've spent my last four years passionately studying. What do I do? Take the job and leave behind my true desire? What DO I really want? I want to act. But I also want to grow and give and learn. Maybe theatre isn't for me right now...I don't know. I want someone to say, Kelly, do this, Kelly, do that. But no one can and I know that. For once in my life, I have nothing waiting for me once the summer is over. No more semesters, just 9-5 and weekends. In the world of performing arts, all I've been told is to keep trying and you will succeed. So if I stop trying, is this it? Do I say no to the job and move to some city, alone, with no money, but a heart for the theatre? Or do I start a new life and possibly find a new passion leaving theatre on the backburner waiting to be picked up again later?
I hate this. I have a bad fear of failure. It is my worst trait. This decision is weighing so unbelievably heavy on my shoulders and I don't have much time to decide. Heck, I was ready to move to Minneapolis on Friday. I must let go of every personal relationship in a way that they can't keep me from what I want and need. I have to pick myself up every day and convince myself that all I need to be happy is confidence in myself and a positive attitude to guide me because others will let me down. They will, they have, and they will again. Why place my happiness in someone else's hands? These legs have been keeping me up all along and every day I'm relearning how to walk. Now, I do not wish to become someone who does not trust nor someone who has little faith in others because I have been disappointed in the past. I have gone down that road before and I became a cold and frightened person. I do not wish that for myself. I wish instead to become someone who takes responsibility for my own feelings and actions and does not depend on another or have expectations for them.
The entire day has been spent contemplating my options and what this job would mean to my life. I feel that I truly understand it and its implications, needs and sacrifices. I feel ready to make a decision now because I wrote most of this entry 5 hours ago and have had more time to sit with it. It's my life and no one else's. I am responsible for my own happiness and I think I'd be happy in Minneapolis. Whew.
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In other news, Ryan's in Missouri for the next 10 weeks on an internship with an Equity theatre. I do not expect to see him again until later in August. That makes the summer quite unworthy of any good weather days perfect for frisbee or tennis.
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I visited my grandma today in Pleasant Prairie. She is just ending a 6-week stint in physical therapy for breaking two bones in her arm and fracturing her hip. She is still the same peppy, good-hearted sweetheart she was before too :-)
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Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment. Father's Day is June 15th, don't forget.
This song was my top piano ballad of the day. Quite beautiful with meaningful, personal lyrics.
Mandy and Barry's wedding is this Saturday and I'm turning 22 on Sunday.
One year ago, I began my journey in a new place at a new job with new people. One year later, I'm doing the same. I think.
I have come to a point in my life where there is no assumption of the future, no inevitable choice mapped out and no one to hold me back. Now that I have graduated from college, my options are limitless. And yet, I've never been so conflicted. There is a job in Minneapolis that I may be offered. A job that would secure me with good money, benefits, and personal development while also helping others in an untraditional way. A job with creative freedoms, deep avenues for independent thinking and also many travel opportunities around the country. Sounds wonderful, right? Well, it's also a several year commitment and it has nothing or little to do with what I've spent my last four years passionately studying. What do I do? Take the job and leave behind my true desire? What DO I really want? I want to act. But I also want to grow and give and learn. Maybe theatre isn't for me right now...I don't know. I want someone to say, Kelly, do this, Kelly, do that. But no one can and I know that. For once in my life, I have nothing waiting for me once the summer is over. No more semesters, just 9-5 and weekends. In the world of performing arts, all I've been told is to keep trying and you will succeed. So if I stop trying, is this it? Do I say no to the job and move to some city, alone, with no money, but a heart for the theatre? Or do I start a new life and possibly find a new passion leaving theatre on the backburner waiting to be picked up again later?
I hate this. I have a bad fear of failure. It is my worst trait. This decision is weighing so unbelievably heavy on my shoulders and I don't have much time to decide. Heck, I was ready to move to Minneapolis on Friday. I must let go of every personal relationship in a way that they can't keep me from what I want and need. I have to pick myself up every day and convince myself that all I need to be happy is confidence in myself and a positive attitude to guide me because others will let me down. They will, they have, and they will again. Why place my happiness in someone else's hands? These legs have been keeping me up all along and every day I'm relearning how to walk. Now, I do not wish to become someone who does not trust nor someone who has little faith in others because I have been disappointed in the past. I have gone down that road before and I became a cold and frightened person. I do not wish that for myself. I wish instead to become someone who takes responsibility for my own feelings and actions and does not depend on another or have expectations for them.
The entire day has been spent contemplating my options and what this job would mean to my life. I feel that I truly understand it and its implications, needs and sacrifices. I feel ready to make a decision now because I wrote most of this entry 5 hours ago and have had more time to sit with it. It's my life and no one else's. I am responsible for my own happiness and I think I'd be happy in Minneapolis. Whew.
--------
In other news, Ryan's in Missouri for the next 10 weeks on an internship with an Equity theatre. I do not expect to see him again until later in August. That makes the summer quite unworthy of any good weather days perfect for frisbee or tennis.
--------
I visited my grandma today in Pleasant Prairie. She is just ending a 6-week stint in physical therapy for breaking two bones in her arm and fracturing her hip. She is still the same peppy, good-hearted sweetheart she was before too :-)
--------
Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment. Father's Day is June 15th, don't forget.
This song was my top piano ballad of the day. Quite beautiful with meaningful, personal lyrics.
Mandy and Barry's wedding is this Saturday and I'm turning 22 on Sunday.