Sep 22, 2002
This year marks 4 years since Nick passed. Last year I seemed to do fine with it but for the last month all I can think about is him. For so long he was my everything. Then we broke up we weren't talking but I still cared. A few weeks before he was in the car accident, the accident that took his life, we finally started talking again. I told him not to speed on a certain road because I had gotten a ticket there. Of course he didn't listen. The last time I saw him, all I said was "Hey Nick, bye". I had never gotten to tell any of my other friends that died good bye. I walked into school that Monday morning. I can see myself walking into school (I know they say if you can see yourself doing it then you aren't really remembering, but this was vivid like an out of body experience and I truely believe that is what it was. I dissasociate from the situation knowing something bad was going to happen), I see myself walking up to a group of friends, I see myself crumpling to the ground as the try to grab me. The next thing I remember is one of my friends walking up to me in the hall. She says I was standing there just screaming. I don't remember it. Somehow from there I got to guidance. I remember calling my mom, all I could say is "Mom he's dead, Nick's dead" over and over. I'm pretty sure the time I was in school I skipped my classes and stayed in the chorus room. I don't remember. At some point my mom called and got the school to agree to let me sign myself out. Some stupid part of me drove myself home. Many people offered to risk getting in trouble to drive me home but I drove myself I wanted to be as alone as I felt. That weekend I went back to Katerpillar Camp( a grievance camp Nick took me to after Megan and Josh died, he had been attending for years after his father passed). It was short notice but they fit me in because they knew how much Nick meant to me, and meant to them. It was like a cloud hung over our group that weekend. Everyone in my group had known Nick for years. We banded together to support each other. The last night we had a special ceremony by the lake with candles. We always set candles afloat on the water, but this year it was different. We sat there talked, sang, did things Nick would have wanted us to do. But he still wasn't there, and he still isn't here. Yet I have dreams where he is alive, and I have to choose between him and Tim. He hasn't aged, he's forever frozen in time at 16, yet he seems so alive in these dreams it hurts. He never got to get married, he never got to have any kids, never had his first drink, first apartment nothing.