- i wish.. -
well im home from school a tad bit early.im sick:( i have a cold and i have my period and it sucks the big one let me tell you.i had a nice day though.i was standing in the hallway and a girl i barely know comes up and says "you know what?you are exceptionally beautiful!you look soooo amazing!" and i had like a stuttered laugh and i said "uh..i do?well,thanks,i think?" and she touched my face and walked away.talk about WEIRD.eh?well thats not it.
so theres this guy,he looks about 20-ish and he comes up to me on the bus and smiles and i just smiled back.he looked like right into my eyes and started singing to me.i just looked at him and then he walked away and got off the bus.i was so stunned.this was a really weird day.
i feel like crap.absolute crap.like im happy,but i feel like crap.understand?im not depressed,for once.haha.
i was a bit depressed last night and i was crying because i was looking through all of these pictures and my mom had a pile of my uncle tim(passed away in october from cancer)and then i saw pictures of the fires we used to have at lindsays old house and i saw uncle doug playing on the computer and singing to country music while evan played n64 and my mom and debbie would talk at the kitchen table and debbie would be smoking.it all came back to me like mad and even though im not part of that family i want them back together.i wish things were the same as they used to be,me back at jersey in my old room with the couch and lindsays house with her futon(i forget what bostin and pat used to call it).I want uncle tim to come back so viv can be happy and he can sing that "combo #5" song to the beat of "mumbo #5" and eat his wendys burger.i want things to be like that.i want my mom and sam to kiss each other in the kitchen like at the old house.i want to ride my bike in the dark to lindsays house to watch malcolm in the middle.things will never be like that again.
but i love the way things are now.high school,always having no parents around,hanging out with nick,skipping class with amanda.but things arent fabulous.i really really like nick.it feels weird because all the other guys i would be like 'oh yeah!id take a bullet for him!hes sooo cool!' but with nick it isnt like that.before i think it was lust because i was so over obsessed,but now i have no worries and im proud of what i did with him.hes a really cool kid.i know we probably wont get married and have kids and live happily ever after,like pfft,what are the chances of that,but hey,everythings cool.i look at the present and enjoy how its going now.
im always paranoid about my mom.me and my mom have been close forever.sometimes i wish my umbilical cord could still be attached.sometimes i can talk to her about everything and then other times i cant.i remember being in emergency for my overdose with I.V's hooked up to me and being as pale as a ghost with her strong emotion-filled eyes staring up at me from the chair.her hand touching my little stomach with band-aids and scratches from all the needles and all i could say was 'why cant i be dead?' and she just looked at me and told me she loved me.i take advantage of her and she does nothing but award me for it.i remember being in the hospital ward in my gown and sitting at the window with tears pouring down me cheeks while she left me.and she left me there for 2 days.alone and depressed.and all i could do was cry and sleep in that stupid little room they kept me in.i thought about suffocating myself or drowning myself in the toilet.these thoughts make me consider these,now that i think back.and i remember sitting on my bed with all my stuff ready to leave that god forsaken place and my mom walked in with her big smile and threw her arms around me and took me to mcdonalds.i felt the bond between us so tight.but now she takes out her problems on me and i know she doesnt mean it but i sit there and i take her criticism because i know it makes her feel better.its sam who fucking causes it.i hate him.whenever i see my mom smiles it makes me melt because she is rarely ever happy.im paranoid somethings going to happen to her one day and i wont be able to do anything.i want her to be with me forever.i love her so much it hurts me.i wish she could know all of this.
anyways..i think im gunna go now..i feel really sick.bye||
so theres this guy,he looks about 20-ish and he comes up to me on the bus and smiles and i just smiled back.he looked like right into my eyes and started singing to me.i just looked at him and then he walked away and got off the bus.i was so stunned.this was a really weird day.
i feel like crap.absolute crap.like im happy,but i feel like crap.understand?im not depressed,for once.haha.
i was a bit depressed last night and i was crying because i was looking through all of these pictures and my mom had a pile of my uncle tim(passed away in october from cancer)and then i saw pictures of the fires we used to have at lindsays old house and i saw uncle doug playing on the computer and singing to country music while evan played n64 and my mom and debbie would talk at the kitchen table and debbie would be smoking.it all came back to me like mad and even though im not part of that family i want them back together.i wish things were the same as they used to be,me back at jersey in my old room with the couch and lindsays house with her futon(i forget what bostin and pat used to call it).I want uncle tim to come back so viv can be happy and he can sing that "combo #5" song to the beat of "mumbo #5" and eat his wendys burger.i want things to be like that.i want my mom and sam to kiss each other in the kitchen like at the old house.i want to ride my bike in the dark to lindsays house to watch malcolm in the middle.things will never be like that again.
but i love the way things are now.high school,always having no parents around,hanging out with nick,skipping class with amanda.but things arent fabulous.i really really like nick.it feels weird because all the other guys i would be like 'oh yeah!id take a bullet for him!hes sooo cool!' but with nick it isnt like that.before i think it was lust because i was so over obsessed,but now i have no worries and im proud of what i did with him.hes a really cool kid.i know we probably wont get married and have kids and live happily ever after,like pfft,what are the chances of that,but hey,everythings cool.i look at the present and enjoy how its going now.
im always paranoid about my mom.me and my mom have been close forever.sometimes i wish my umbilical cord could still be attached.sometimes i can talk to her about everything and then other times i cant.i remember being in emergency for my overdose with I.V's hooked up to me and being as pale as a ghost with her strong emotion-filled eyes staring up at me from the chair.her hand touching my little stomach with band-aids and scratches from all the needles and all i could say was 'why cant i be dead?' and she just looked at me and told me she loved me.i take advantage of her and she does nothing but award me for it.i remember being in the hospital ward in my gown and sitting at the window with tears pouring down me cheeks while she left me.and she left me there for 2 days.alone and depressed.and all i could do was cry and sleep in that stupid little room they kept me in.i thought about suffocating myself or drowning myself in the toilet.these thoughts make me consider these,now that i think back.and i remember sitting on my bed with all my stuff ready to leave that god forsaken place and my mom walked in with her big smile and threw her arms around me and took me to mcdonalds.i felt the bond between us so tight.but now she takes out her problems on me and i know she doesnt mean it but i sit there and i take her criticism because i know it makes her feel better.its sam who fucking causes it.i hate him.whenever i see my mom smiles it makes me melt because she is rarely ever happy.im paranoid somethings going to happen to her one day and i wont be able to do anything.i want her to be with me forever.i love her so much it hurts me.i wish she could know all of this.
anyways..i think im gunna go now..i feel really sick.bye||