Two Crows Joy, Chapter 40
Two Crows Joy
a "Brokeback Mountain" fanfiction by Mad Lori
Prologue -- Chapter 1 -- Chapter 2 -- Chapter 3 -- Chapter 4 -- Chapter 5 -- Chapter 6 -- Chapter 7 -- Chapter 8 -- Chapter 9 -- Chapter 10 -- Chapter 11 -- Chapter 12 -- Chapter 13 -- Chapter 14 -- Chapter 15 -- Chapter 16 -- Chapter 17 -- Chapter 18 -- Chapter 19 -- Chapter 20 -- Chapter 21 -- Chapter 22 -- Chapter 23 -- Chapter 24 -- Chapter 25 -- Chapter 26 -- Chapter 27 -- Chapter 28 -- Chapter 29 -- Chapter 30 -- Chapter 31 -- Chapter 32 -- Chapter 33 -- Chapter 34 -- Chapter 35 -- Chapter 36 -- Chapter 37 -- Chapter 38 -- Chapter 39
No, your eyes do not deceive you. I told you I would finish this story, and I will!
Quick refresher: Ennis is out of the hospital. Ken's pled guilty to assault, and Ennis's decision to speak on his behalf at his sentencing is making Jack crazy. Meanwhile Jack has talked Ennis into going away with him to a private resort in California for his recuperation...a resort for gay men.
The morning of Ken’s hearing dawned sharp and bright. It had snowed overnight, and a fresh blanket of soft white powder lay over everything, turning even the messiest corner of the ranch into picture-postcard scenery. It wouldn’t last, Ennis knew. Before long there’d be mucky, brown paths worn through where horses and vehicles passed, and the shit from animals and the toss-off from truck wheels would have everything looking even dingier than in summer when brown and green were the orders or the day. But for now, he could enjoy it. He stood at the bedroom window, looking out. He felt like strapping on his snowshoes and going out for a morning walk with a Thermos of coffee tucked into his coat. He felt like building a snow fort and challenging anyone who wandered by to a fight to the death with snowballs.
“Nice view,” Jack said.
“Yep,” Ennis agreed, nodding…then realized that Jack was still in bed and couldn’t see out the window. He looked over and saw Jack eyeballing Ennis’s naked body instead. “Oh, you like that view, huh?”
“You betcha.”
Ennis came back to bed and carefully slid under the covers, burrowing close to Jack’s warmth, his feet cold from the wood floor. “Mmm, yer all nice n warm.”
“Dang, Ennis! Yer feet are like ice!” Jack squirmed away, but Ennis followed. They tussled a bit, gently, mindful of Ennis’s incision. “Aw, hell,” Ennis finally muttered, giving up and rolling to his back. “Bout time we was getting up anyway.”
Jack looked over at him. “What time we gotta be there?” he murmured.
Ennis sighed. “His hearin’s at ten.”
“All right.”
There was a long pause. “Jack, I jus don’t…”
“Shush. I’m goin with you. We been over this enough.”
“Guess.”
Jack sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Ennis, you gonna say whatever you gonna say. I won’t be tryin ta stop you. I jus…I jus wanna be there.”
“So I’ll have ta look atcha and know yer sitting right there when I say my piece, is that it?”
“Maybe I do jus wanna hear you say it. Maybe I wanna see his face. Maybe I wanna hear what the judge is gonna say ta him. Maybe I jus wanna be able ta glare at him. That ain’t so terrible, is it?”
Ennis grunted. “Guess not.” He watched Jack get out of bed, the stretch and pull of his muscles, the tension in his shoulders. He didn’t like to think about what Jack had been through recently. If it had been Jack hurt and near death, he knew what kind of state he would have been in. Jack was holding up a lot better than he imagined he would do.
And now yer just pilin on more shit with this Ken business. How would you feel if he was wantin ta forgive someone that hurt him so bad? What if he wanted ta forgive Forrester, and ask for him ta get a lighter sentence? How can ya do this ta him?
Ennis watched the man he called his husband dress in breakfast-time flannels, his hair corkscrewed into boyish whorls and spikes, and made a surprisingly easy decision. I gotta do more’n just call him my husband. “Jack?”
“Huh?”
“Let’s not go.”
Jack turned back toward him. “What?”
“To the hearin. Let’s not go. I don’t need ta speak fer him. He’s got a lawyer.”
Jack blinked, his eyes wide and surprised. “But…Ennis…you were so dead set on it!” He sat back down on the bed and faced him.
Ennis grunted. “Maybe was so fer the wrong reasons, like ya said.”
“But what about all that talk about how he’s family and all that shit?”
Ennis lifted a hand to Jack’s face. “Yeah. He’s family. But you come first, Jack.”
Jack looked into Ennis’s eyes, like he was measuring his sincerity. Finally a small smile crept onto his face. “Thank you, cowboy,” he murmured. He leaned forward and kissed him quietly, then gave a quick nod. “But we’re goin ta that hearin.”
“Whut?” Ennis said.
“Ya heard me. You wanted ta go, so we’re goin.”
“I jus said we shouldn’t. Not when it’s makin you so upset.”
“And I thought I didn’t want you ta go and speak fer him. But…I think what I wanted was just ta know that you were willin ta put my feelins first, and you jus did. So let’s go.” Jack got up and held out his arm to assist Ennis in rising.
Ennis stared up at him, bewildered. “Ya know,” he said, “men is jus as confusin as women sometimes.” Jack laughed. Ennis batted Jack’s arm away. “Don’t wanna get up jus yet. Rather have ya come back in here with me.”
“Oh yeah? And what you got in mind?”
“Well…thought we might get ourselves up ta somethin.”
Jack’s lips curled into a smirk and his eyebrows waggled. “Think I like the sound a that, darlin.”
The kitchen was deserted by the time Jack finally made it there, but there was a fresh pot of coffee, which meant Lizzie had been up to the house already. Jack poured a cup and looked out at the patio, the snow lying on the railings and posts like frosting on cupcakes. “Morning,” Lizzie said from behind him.
“Mornin, swee pea.”
She sat at the kitchen island with her own coffee cup and some papers from the office. “Sleep okay?”
“Sure.”
“You, uh…nervous about today?”
“Nervous? Not sure that’s the word. Kinda anxious, yeah. Don’t know what’s gonna happen.”
“What are you hoping for?”
“Jus…I dunno. Justice, I guess. I want him ta pay fer what he done. But at the same time…I don’t want Ennis ta get hurt again, and I sure’s hell don’t want him feelin guilty for-fuckin-ever cause his brother’s in jail, cause I’ll hafta hear about it and I’ll tell ya, I ain’t sure I could hold my tongue on that subject.”
Lizzie shook her head. “It’s astonishing to me that Ennis feels guilty when he’s the one who was almost killed.”
“You ‘n me both.” Jack sighed. “I want ta see Ken punished, but at the same time, I don’t want Ennis’s conscience givin him hell fer years over it, even if there ain’t no reason for it. I’d rather see Ken go free than have Ennis tormented over it.”
“You would?”
“Nothin gonna take back what Ken did, and it ain’t like we gonna welcome him inta the family with open arms if he gets probation or some such.” Jack rubbed at his forehead. “I jus want it over fer us. I want Ennis ta recover and get back ta doin what he loves, wanna get back to everythin bein the way it was before all this shit started.”
Silence fell in the kitchen, broken only by the sound of Jack sipping his coffee.
“I’ve retained a lawyer to help your parents,” Lizzie finally said.
“Yeah?” Jack said, feeling a stab of guilt that he’d barely given his parents’ situation a thought since arriving back in Farmingdale.
“I spoke to him yesterday, and he said he’s lined up several rental properties for your father to look at that are in Gillette. He also spoke to your father’s future employer, and they said that he could work out of Gillette, no problem.”
“That’s good. She’d be close ta the doctors she knows, and she’n Alma have gotten close.”
“I, uh…spoke to Alma too. Junior’s been talking to her, but you should really talk to your mother, and Ennis should talk to Alma, and Francine if he can.”
“I know,” Jack said, hanging his head and rubbing a hand through his hair. “I can only hold so many things in my head at once, ya know?”
“I know. And they understand, really.”
“I’ll call once me’n Ennis get back from the hearin.” Jack moodily sipped at his coffee.
“Did you tell Ennis about your vacation idea?”
Jack smiled. “Yeah. He reacted bout like you thought he would. Seemed like he wasn’t totally against the idea, though. I’ll jus let it percolate in his head for awhile. If I don’t push it, he’ll like as not come round. That’s the way ta get Ennis ta go along with somethin.” He shook his head, chuckling. “Sometimes I think being partnered up with someone, whether yer married or roommates or a coupla guys ranched up like us, is halfways about learnin how ta play each other.”
Jack and Ennis were at the courtroom by quarter of ten, dressed in their best jackets and ties. They sat in the second row behind the county prosecutor while a couple of other cases were heard. One guy who’d beat up his wife, another guy who’d stolen a car.
It was all so surreal to Jack. It was so…ordinary. The ho-hum, humdrum daily business of the small-town justice system, grinding away. Each person who came to stand before the judge was in the midst of what was likely a life-changing crisis, or at least one of their worst moments, but for the bailiff and the court reporter and the other people who worked here, it was just another day on the job. Nothing tragic, nothing revolutionary. Just another docket to be called, another paper to be stamped.
And it’d be that way with Ken, too. To Jack and Ennis, this was an above-the-fold entry in their lives, something that would always be one of their most terrible memories, something that would change them in ways they weren’t even yet conscious of. For Ken it would probably mean something worse. And yet everyone looked bored. How can this be normal? Jack felt like shouting. These are people’s lives.
Then, the side door opened and a bailiff came in with Ken. Jack sensed Ennis’s back stiffen up a little, pushing him straighter, as his brother entered the room. He was dressed up nicely in a blue suit and tie. The bailiff took his cuffs off before he sat down at the table with his lawyer.
The clerk read off the docket number and then the judge started talking. “Mr. Del Mar, you’ve pled guilty to one count of aggravated assault and one count of assault with a deadly weapon. You understand these charges?”
“I do, Your Honor,” Ken said, standing up.
“Do you have anything you’d like to say before sentence is handed down?”
“Yes, sir.” Ken cleared his throat and turned halfway around, like he wanted to look at them but couldn’t quite bring himself to meet their eyes. He faced forward again. “I done a terrible thing ta my brother, who hadn’t been nothin but welcomin and kind, which I didn’t even deserve. It’s only outta the grace a God and my niece’s handiness with a fryin pan that I ain’t done worse, and I will be forever thankful fer that. Yeah, I was drunk, and I’d jus got some…surprisin news. But ain’t none a that matter, Your Honor. I’m so damn sorry,” he said, his voice choking up. Ennis’s hand clutched Jack’s tightly. Jack squeezed back. Ken sniffled. “That’s…that’s all.”
The judge nodded. “I have here a note that your brother has something he’d like to say. Mr. Del Mar, you may stand and make your statement at this time.”
Ennis looked at Jack, his eyes searching Jack’s face for…for something, Jack didn’t know what. He gave Jack’s hand another squeeze, released it then stood up. “Your Honor, I uh…I ain’t got nothin ta say.”
The judge frowned. “Your brother’s lawyer has indicated that you wished to make a statement in support of your brother.”
Jack gaped up at Ennis, surprise rushing in his ears so he could barely hear what Ennis said next. “My brother attacked me fer no good reason, Your Honor. He caused my family a lotta pain and grief, which in my mind is worse’n what he done ta me. I’ll get better, but we all gonna bear the scars a what he done. I’ll let you decide what punishment’s fittin fer his crime. Thank you.”
Ennis sat down. Jack grabbed for his hand again, not caring who saw. Ennis turned slightly toward him and held Jack’s hand in both of his own, his eyes lowered.
The judge nodded. “In that case, Kenneth Del Mar, I sentence you to a period of two years incarceration, effective immediately. Dismissed.” He banged his gavel.
Jack waited for Ken to turn around and look at them, or acknowledge their presence, but he didn’t. Jack wondered if he was angry, but his body language certainly didn’t read that way. His shoulders were rounded and slumped, his head hung down as the bailiff cuffed him again and led him from the courtroom. Ennis’s eyes tracked his brother’s exit, then he sagged back against the hard wooden seat as the door shut behind Ken’s back. He was still gripping Jack’s hands.
They sat there in silence as the judge gaveled a recess for lunch and the court reporters and bailiffs left. Ken’s lawyer packed up his briefcase and walked out, sparing them the slightest glance on his way. Ennis just sat there, not moving. Jack waited.
Finally, the courtroom was deserted. At long last, Ennis disentangled himself, gripped the rail in front of him and carefully raised himself to his feet. He stepped into the aisle, Jack right behind him. Ennis turned and faced him.
Jack shrugged. “What made ya change yer mind?” he said, quietly.
Ennis took his hands again, lowering his eyes to stare at their clasped fingers. “I didn’t need mercy fer him, Jack. I needed it fer me. But now I’m thinkin I got all the mercy I need right here.” He met Jack’s eyes, then leaned forward and kissed him gently. Jack didn’t know what to say, so he just stood there with his mouth hanging open as Ennis pulled back and drew him up the aisle by his hand. “C’mon, babe. Let’s get us home.”
The house was peaceful. Jack had gone out to ride the fenceline and check in with Rod and Lars. Lizzie was out somewhere on an errand, Junior was at school. Ennis had the house to himself.
He carefully lowered himself to sit on the bed, took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. He dialed the number, checking a scrap of paper where he’d copied it from Lizzie’s Rolodex.
It rang twice. “Hello?”
“Hey there, Alma.”
He heard her exhale sharply. “Ennis. My Lord. We been worryin bout you! You couldn’ta called before this?”
“Well…I know Junior been keepin you up ta date…”
“Yes, but it woulda been nice to hear from you, hear you say yer all right.”
“Mmm. I’m all right, guess.”
“You feeling okay, then?”
“Been out the hospital a few days now. I’m powerful sore, gotta watch what I do so I don’t strain myself, but doin all right.”
“You were in there such a long time…”
“Yeah, near ta ten days.” Silence fell, not entirely comfortable. “Jus wanted ta call and check in with ya.”
“Well, I’m glad bout that,” Alma said, sounding like she wanted to scold him again for not having done so sooner. “Francie’s been askin,” she said, in a lower voice.
“Yeah?” Ennis said, a sliver of hope entering his heart.
“She’s been real worried bout ya.”
“Thought she might a blamed me bein hurt on my sinnin ways.”
“Well…ain’t gonna lie to ya, there’s been some a that. But I think she was jus scared that you might die.” She cleared her throat. “We was all scared a that.”
“Francie there, then?” A heavy ball of nervousness had settled in Ennis’s gut at the prospect of talking to her. He wasn’t exactly at his best, and Lord knew what hateful shit she might unload on him…he wasn’t sure he could handle it. But if she was there, he had to try. He’d never quit trying. Alma’s words about Francie’s concern for him gave him a little optimism…just enough to make him hope Francie was there instead of hope she wasn’t.
He heard Alma sigh. “I’m sorry, she ain’t here. She’s with her church group again,” she said, her dislike of the group evident in her voice. “I wish I could get her ta come to a decent church with me’n Monroe. Got ourselves a nice church, with nice people, none a this horrible stirring up a trouble, turning kids ‘gainst their folks like these people done ta her. I wish I knew what kinda poison they were fillin her head with, I just don’t know what ta do,” she said, her words tumbling out over and over each other. Ennis wondered how often she let herself talk like this. Did she talk to Monroe about it? Did she have any friends she talked to?
“I don’t know what ta do either, Alma.”
“Well, why the hell not?” she suddenly snapped. “Seems like ya got all the other answers, with yer ranch and yer money and everythin else.” Tears were clogging her voice now.
“Why ya getting after me, now?” Ennis said, his voice rising. “You want me t’apologize fer havin my life together, then? And it ain’t all sunshine ‘n roses my end either, ya know, or maybe you forgot I been in the hospital and jus this morning I watched my brother hauled off ta jail.”
There was a long pause. Finally, Alma spoke again in a small voice. “I’m sorry, Ennis,” she said. “Yer right, I got no call ta get after you. Jus…feels like I been livin with this Francie situation forever and I’m at my wit’s end.”
“It’s me she’s cuttin outta her life, Alma, not you.”
“I ain’t her favorite person in the world either. No one’s good enough, no one but these damn church people. Makes me afraid it’s some kinda cult, like them folks down south a few years back. I know that sounds crazy but the way she talks, it’s like…like she been brainwashed or somethin!”
“Alma, jus…take it easy, all right?” Ennis felt his stomach churning and wished he hadn’t waited to make this call until Jack was out of the house. Why had he? Why had he thought he needed to be alone to talk to Alma? Jack had spent plenty of time talking to Alma himself out in Wyoming.
You know why. You didn’t want him ta hear in case you got emotional talkin bout Francie. You gotta put up a brave front, like yer all better and this Ken thing ain’t getting you down. Don’t know who you think yer foolin, anyway. You cain’t put nothin over on yer man.
Whatever the reason, he wished for him now. He didn’t know what to say to Alma, how to fix it…if it could be fixed at all.
“I’m tryin,” Alma said. “Tryin ta let her find her own way, but…what if this is her way? What if it ain’t no phase, like Grace said it is? I don’t wanna lose my daughter ta this craziness, Ennis.”
“I don’t want that, neither,” he said. “Jus don’t see there’s much we got ta say bout it. She’ll be eighteen soon, and it won’t be any a our business how she choose ta live her life.”
“And you could jus leave it at that? Write her off, say it’s her life and best a luck to her, knowing what kinda…” She stopped abruptly. “I guess we jus different that way.”
“I wouldn’t wanna leave it like that, dammit. But if there’s one thing I learned it’s ya cain’t control what other folks do or think or feel. All you can do is keep a hold a yerself. If Francie wants ta give herself over ta this church group, I will make sure she knows I love her and I’ll always be there for her, no matter who she’s with.”
Alma sighed again, sounding weary beyond the telling. “I didn’t mean ta dump all this on ya jus now, Ennis. I know you got other things on yer mind, and you just getting better.”
“It’s all right.” He hesitated. “How’s Grace doin?”
“Oh, she’s jus fine. With that new medicine they give her you cain’t hardly see no tremors.”
“Sure Jack be glad ta hear that.”
“What, he ain’t sittin there right next ta you, listenin in?”
“No, he is out on the ranch, and that was a helluva comment.”
She hesitated a moment before speaking. “Yeah, sorry. I ain’t in the best a tempers.”
“I best be getting along, Alma. But I also wanted ta let ya know that me n Jack are goin outta town. Leavin next Friday, be gone a coupla weeks.”
“Oh?”
“We’re going to a kinda…campground,” he finished lamely, not wanting to tell Alma they were going to a resort for gay men. He could hardly believe it himself. “Warm, quiet place. Jack seems ta think I need ta rest and not do nothin fer awhile.”
“Well, he might be onta somethin there,” Alma said, and he heard a reluctant smile in her voice. “You gotta hole in yer belly that needs healin. I guess Lizzie’d be able ta get a hold a you if the need should arise?”
“Sure enough.”
“All right, then. You, uh…have a nice time. And tell Junior ta call her mama. Jack could take that advice, too.”
“Will do. Bye, Alma.”
“Goodbye, Ennis.”
He hung up the phone, unsettled thoughts about Francine and old Mr. Twist swirling around, mixing in with his already-unsettled thoughts about Ken and this damn gay resort he was about to be shanghaied off to.
He shook his head. Boy, you got yerself a full plate, and no mistake.
When Junior got home, Ennis was sitting at the table in the breakfast nook, eating a biscuit and reading one of Lizzie’s magazines. She seemed to receive at least five per week. There were the newsmagazines, Time and Newsweek. Then there the monthlies, a couple for writers, some about music, and then some of them women’s magazines Jack had occasionally teased him about. Ennis had, to his chagrin, become fond of reading “Ladies’ Home Journal.” At first, he’d quickly hid it whenever anyone had come in, but he’d given it up as a lost cause. He didn’t know what it was, somethin about the advice columns and the hints for gardening and folks’ screwed-up marriages made for entertainin readin.
Junior smiled to see him there. “Readin that Heloise column again, Daddy?”
He grunted. “She got some mighty useful tips, that Heloise.”
“I’m sure.” She sat down next to him and picked up a biscuit. “How did it go?” she asked, trying to sound casual about it.
Ennis put down the magazine. “Well…it went all right.”
“What did you say to the judge?”
He watched her eyes. She was intensely interested, and hoping that he would have said the appropriate thing, whatever she judged that to be, but she was feigning nonchalance so as not to make him fear that his words would bring her retribution. “Turns out there weren’t nothin ta say.”
Junior looked at him. “Oh?”
He nodded, smiling at little as he met her gaze. “I was sittin there with Jack next ta me, lookin at Ken’s back in front a me, and it just…well, it occurred ta me that there’s a reason why they was in those particular spots, ya know?”
She smiled, slowly. “Cause Jack’s what matters?”
“That’s right, darlin. So I jus told that judge that he oughta do whatever he sees fit, and then we came home.”
Junior reached across and grasped his hand. “I’m glad, Daddy.”
Ennis felt his face heating up. He shifted in his chair. “Aw, well…I, uh, spoke ta yer mother.”
“Oh yeah? Finally called her, huh?”
“Yes, and I’ll thank you not to sound so amazed.”
The back door opened and Jack came in, stamping his feet and hands together, his cheeks ruddy with cold. “Hey there, Junior!” he said, grinning. “How was school today?”
She grinned at him. “It was jus fine.”
Jack kicked off his boots by the door and padded over to the table, leaning over to kiss Ennis. Ennis let him, ignoring the little alarm that still went off in his head that said not in front of Junior, even though it wasn’t the first time, far from it, and she barely took notice. Every time he touched Jack in front of her, he had to remind himself that it was okay, that he was safe here, that they both were, and that his daughter loved him. One of his daughters loved him. “Yer dad tell ya what went down at the courthouse this mornin?” he asked Junior.
She nodded. “That he did.” Ennis watched the two of them exchange a look that he himself wasn’t a part of.
Jack sat down and took a biscuit for himself. “Well…fer better or worse, it’s behind us now.”
Ennis thoughtfully munched on his biscuit. “I think I might…go on down and see him fer a spell, though. Talk a little.” Jack just looked at him. “Be glass between us, bud. Ain’t no danger.”
“Ain’t the danger ta yer person that I’m worried bout.”
“Jus wanna talk to him.”
“Ya done that, in the hospital.”
“Yeah, but…doesn’t feel like it was really me. I was all laid up, and I couldn’t really talk bout what happened, and I didn’t know what was gonna happen ta him. It don’t feel finished.”
“If you talk to him again, what then? Will it feel finished then?” Jack asked, a slight edge coming into his voice.
Ennis shrugged. “I dunno, Jack. I dunno if it’ll ever be finished. Ain’t that always the way with families? There ain’t never no finished?”
Jack managed a half smile. “That it is, bud. That it is.”
The next day, Ennis drove himself down to the county jail, where Ken was still being held until the end of the week, when he’d be transported to the prison where he’d spend the next two years, or however long it ended up being before he got out. Jack had asked if he could drive him, but had surprisingly not put up a fight when Ennis said he could handle it. Nurse Sharon had told him to wait until he was off the heavy drugs before he drove, and to take it easy, but now he was off the heavy drugs, and he was taking it easy.
When he got there, Walter showed him into a little room with a wall and a screen, just one chair on either side. Not too many prisoners here in Farmingdale.
Ennis sat down, and a few minutes later, Ken was let in, his face brightening up to see Ennis. He sat down opposite him. Ennis had thought there’d be one of those phones like in the movies, but the mesh wasn’t solid and they could hear each other just fine.
“Well,” Ken said, half-smiling, like he wanted to smile but wasn’t sure it was appropriate in this situation. “This is a surprise.”
“Wanted ta come see ya before they took y’up.”
“Thanks. My lawyer says I might get out in less’n a year with good behavior.”
“That’d be…good,” Ennis said, lamely. His gut wanted to say that it’d be good, but his head was insisting that he ought to be demanding a longer prison sentence for his attacker. It was confusing to be caught in the middle. “Look,” he said. “I know ya thought I was gonna say some little words for ya, but…”
Ken held up a hand. “No, you don’t gotta explain that. I ain’t expected you ta say nothin. I don’t deserve no kindnesses from you, Ennis.” His eyes flicked up and down as much of Ennis as he could see. “You doin all right then? Healing up good?”
“Yeah, I’m on the mend. I get tired, and still pretty sore. I jus wanted ta come n explain why I ain’t spoke up for ya.”
“I told you, you don’t hafta…”
“I want to, all right?” Ennis said. He took a deep breath. “Some things Jack said…some things that struck me ta be true. Cause it weren’t jus me that ya hurt, but my daughter and Jack, and other folks that care bout me. That’s worse ta me than the hurt I suffered.”
Ken nodded. “I know it is.”
“So I figger I gotta take into account what my family thinks, cause…maybe they’re right. Maybe I wanted ta help ya cause I blamed myself for what ya done.”
Ken shook his head vigorously. “You ain’t got no blame ta bear.”
“That’s what everybody keeps tellin me, but it still feels like if I’d a been straight with ya from the beginning, it wouldn’ta come ta such a thing. If I’d a sat ya down when ya got here and told you the truth…well, who knows.”
“So why’d you wait?” Ken asked, his big eyes pinning Ennis in place.
He sighed. “Cause I figgered if ya got ta know me again, saw my regular normal boring life, had a few days ta remember how we used ta be brothers…maybe when I told ya, you’d be able ta take it and wouldn’t walk right out the door again.”
“Well…that sounds like good logic ta me.”
“It’s jus dumb luck that you happen ta find out.” Ennis wasn’t about to bring up that before the attack, he’d made up his mind not to tell Ken at all.
Ken bent his head a little to catch Ennis’s lowered gaze. “That’s right, Ennis. Dumb luck. And the way we was brought up, that made ya think I’d walk away if you told me right off.”
“Would you have done?”
“I dunno. Probly. But why’s that? That’s fucked up. And I sure didn’t give you no reason ta put yer mind at ease bout tellin me with all my talk bout yer friend the vet.”
“No, ya didn’t.”
“You know, buddy a mine back home…he married a colored gal, back in the late sixties. Didn’t bother most folks round there cause all a them knew them both, but his family back in Utah, they’d never sit with that. So he never told em. They couldn’t afford ta come to the wedding nohow, and when he’d visit he had this fake picture he’d show them if they made him do. I know it bothered him ta lie, and once I asked him how he could stand it. He said ta me, ‘it ain’t a lie if they make ya lie.’” He paused a moment. “If you lied, Ennis, it was cause I made ya, and our dad made ya, and every fuckin other thing in the world made ya. I ain’t gonna sit here and say I get how you live, or that I’d a said fine and dandy if you’d told me yerself, but…seems ta me you bein made ta lie jus like my friend, and it ain’t no more right fer you than it is fer him. So don’t you dare blame nobody but me for what I done. Not yer man, not yerself. I may a fallen off my wagon but I still remember my steps, and part a that is taking responsbility fer what ya done, good and bad. I’ll do my time like a man and when I get out, maybe you’ll speak ta me again.” He smiled a little. “If that fella you got don’t chase me off with a shotgun, that is.”
Ennis smiled back. “He might do. And…his name’s Jack, ya know. Wouldn’t kill ya to say it.”
“Jack,” Ken repeated, as if his mouth were testing the word to see how it tasted, or if it would poison him.
Ennis shook his head. “I cain’t believe yer bein so equitable that I’m…queer.”
A muscle clenched in Ken’s jaw. “I’m doing my best, Ennis. I owe you the truth, though, and if all this hadn’t a happened and you’d jus told me, I would likely be showin you my taillights. But…seems ta me that me hatin what you are made me do this thing ta you, this thing I wouldn’ta never done ta you in a million years no matter what you’d done or how you lived. It cain’t be good, it cain’t be right. So I’m tryin.”
“Guess that’s all I can ask a you.”
“Can I ask…some things? About it?” Ken was rubbing his hands together now, twitching nervously.
That sounded like Ennis’s own personal hell, to answer questions about his queer life with the brother who’d nearly killed him for it, but Jack always said that hate came from ignorance, so maybe he oughta try. “Okay.”
“This man ya got…Jack, that is. You, uh…you feel fer him? Like you would fer a woman? Or, I guess, like a regular guy would feel fer a woman?”
“I am a regular guy, Ken.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah. I feel fer him. I love him.” Ennis steeled himself, knowing that he had to be more emphatic about it. “I’m in love with him.”
Ken blinked a few times, nodding, fidgeting some more. “And you…sleep with him?”
“Yeah.” If Ken wanted to ask these questions, Ennis would answer no more than was asked.
“You, uh…have…relations with him?” Ken looked simultaneously embarrassed and intensly curious to be asking these questions.
Ennis grit his teeth. His normal response would be to snap that his private life was none of anyone’s business, but Ken was trying to understand, and he was starting from scratch. He was confused, like the goddamned rest of the world, it sometimes seemed. “Yeah,” he managed to say. “It’s like other couples, Ken. We ain’t much different.”
“Do you…wear women’s clothes n such?”
Ennis jerked. “What? Hell, no! What the fuck?”
“I’m jus askin! Y’hear about these queer men with the…lipstick and such.”
“We ain’t like that. Christ almighty.”
“Okay.” Ken seemed mildly reassured by this. “Whaddya call him?”
“Jack. That’s his name.”
“No, I mean…he’s yer…uh…what?”
Ennis sighed, wishing for escape but determined to stick it out. “Some folks say ‘partner.’ I guess I do too, but fact is that ta me, he’s my husband.”
He saw Ken flinch a little at the word. “Husband, huh?”
“We made promises, like anyone else does. We jus don’t get the benefits.”
“What d’you expect? To get treated like regular married folks?”
“Well, why the hell not?”
“Cause…cause…just cause!” Ken spluttered. He seemed to have reached his critical mass of tolerance. “Cause it ain’t natural, and ya cain’t have children.”
“So? I already got kids. And aren’t there enough kids in the world without every damn person havin ta contribute more n more?”
Ken put up his hands. “All right, all right, it’s just…you fellas who’re like you and Jack wanna live together I guess yer gonna, but surely ya cain’t expect folks ta treat you like you was for-real married, like normal folks.”
Ennis stared at the table top. “No, I guess not. Don’t mean we cain’t wish for it.” He stood up. “I best get on home now.”
Ken stood, too. “Ennis…I’m sorry,” he said in a rush. “Fer everything.”
Ennis held his eyes for a moment. “Might be I’ll come up ta see you in the big house now n again. But don’t go countin the days.” He turned his back on the beginnings of Ken’s goodbyes and walked out.
He didn’t stop until he was outside in the freezing air, powdery ice crystals skimming over his face, blown off the nearby dunes. The cold felt refreshing after the stuffiness of the little room. He felt like he had space around him again. His abdomen ached a little; he was down to just Tylenol for his pain now.
He got in the car (carefully) and pulled out of the parking lot, back home, back to Jack.
That night, Ennis dozed in bed while Jack finished a book he “just couldn’t put down until it was done.” He felt Jack shift and sigh; he came awake with a snuffle.
“Finish that thing?”
“Yep,” Jack said, stretching and putting the book aside. He put out the light and snuggled down.
“Good. Cause I got something else here fer you ta finish,” Ennis growled, turning on his side to kiss him.
“Mmm,” Jack said against his lips, smiling. “Yer mighty frisky tonight. How you feelin?”
“Feelin good. Feelin strong.” He ducked down again and captured Jack’s mouth in a hard, probing kiss, sliding his tongue between Jack’s lips. He slid his hand down to cup Jack’s ass, then around to the back of his thigh, hitching it up around his hip. Jack responded eagerly, his arms wrapping around Ennis’s back as he rocked their hips together, the delicious friction making Ennis gasp.
“You fixin ta get up ta somethin, cowboy?” Jack whispered. Ennis could hear the undercurrent of need in his voice. They’d had limited sex since his return, but had not been able to go at each other with the abandon and the physicality they were used to. Caution had to be the watchword now, but this night…he felt like he was ready. Ready to make love to Jack the way he knew he’d been missing.
“Wanna get inside ya,” Ennis said, lust roughening his voice. God, how he wanted it. Wanted to feel Jack beneath him again, wanted to be between his legs, giving it to him hard the way he liked it, feeling Jack’s fingers digging into his ass, seeing the arch of Jack’s neck, his thighs wrapped around his torso and squeezing, squeezing him like them damn bulls he used to ride, so hot and tight around him while he made Jack his again, exploding inside him and leaving his mark in Jack’s body. “Wanna fuck you hard,” he breathed into Jack’s mouth, kissing him again, drowning in his sweet mouth.
“God yeah,” Jack gasped. “You sure? Sure yer up to it?” he asked between kisses.
Ennis guided Jack’s hand to his stiff cock. “Whaddya think?”
Jack’s eyebrows shot up. “Feels like yer up for it, all right.” He rolled onto his back and pulled Ennis over with him, writhing against him and twining around him, tangling their legs and grabbing at their sleep pants.
Ennis settled in his spot, his best spot, between Jack’s thighs, cradled in his hard muscles, not much give and yield in this body. Ken hadn’t asked what having sex with a man was like, but Ennis knew he’d wanted to, and this…this was what it was like. Something to pound against, something to hold you up and push you around and clutch against you that would clutch back. It was hardness and bristle and stickiness and bruises and pain and muscles and hair, it was joy and ecstasy and heavy whiskey breathing and growling and yelling and hard, deep kisses, it was spunk and sweat and lube and shit and laughing and teasing and fighting and sometimes crying, it was talking and touching and love.
It was life. His life. It was Jack.
He felt Jack’s firm chest beneath him and the strong arms around him, their groins socked tight against each other, and his body took over and his hips gave a hard thrust.
And the pain ripped up through Ennis’s abdomen like a lightning bolt. He cried out and went stiff, his body jolting itself off of Jack and over onto its back at his side. The breath was ripped from his lungs and he lay there, eyes wide, paralyzed for a moment.
“Shit,” he heard Jack say, then he was up on his elbow and leaning over him. “Ennis? Ennis, you okay?” He couldn’t quite move yet. Jack was checking the now-smallish bandage over Ennis’s incision. He moved back up and put a hand on Ennis’s face. “Breathe, honey,” he whispered, resting his cheek against Ennis’s temple, one of his arms going around his chest. “It’s okay. Take it easy.”
Ennis sucked in a deep breath and his body let go, relaxing against the mattress, the pain in his gut receding to a dull roar. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he said, his voice sounding reedy and choked.
“Are you all right?” Jack said, worry lacing his voice.
“That fuckin hurt,” Ennis said.
“I guess so.” He kissed Ennis’s face, his hand stroking his chest, soothing him, gentling him. “Breathe easy now. I’m gonna get you a Percodan and some water.” Ennis was too stunned to protest that he didn’t need it, besides, he did need it. He didn’t even watch Jack going across to the bathroom, kept his eyes shut until the pills were being pressed into his hands and the water held to his lips.
Jack climbed back into bed and tucked himself close to Ennis’s side, his arm draped carefully over his hips, well below the incision. “Well, shit,” he said, sounding rueful. “That didn’t work at all.”
Ennis shook his head, feeling tears prickling. “I’m…so fuckin sorry, Jack.”
Jack sat up again. “Don’t you dare say that. Be plenty a time fer us ta fuck.”
“But I wanted ta do ya so bad…I know you been missing it, and so’ve I…”
“Yeah, I miss it, but not so much that I want you ta hurt yerself. You got more healin ta do, and we’ll be off on our trip in a coupla days. “
Ennis lifted his arm to Jack’s shoulders and drew him back down, tucking his head beneath Ennis’s chin. “Ya know…I’m actually kinda lookin forward to this crazy trip we goin on.”
“It’ll be nice. No worries, nothin we gotta do, cept lie in the sun and relax.”
“With gay guys.”
“Ain’t like they’re gonna be hanging around our cabin, Ennis,” Jack said, wearily. “We won’t even…”
“Hafta see em at all, yeah I know. Be weird, tho. Just ta know that…we ain’t the strange ones there. We’ll be…normal.”
“We are normal.”
Ennis sniffed. “Some don’t think so.”
Jack was quiet a moment. “I love you, Ennis. I picked you, and you picked me, and we got a house and a fridge and cars and bills and friends and a damn VCR in the livin room. If we were any more normal we’d be the fuckin Waltons.”
Ennis chuckled a little. “Betcha old Grandpa Walton ain’t never had no fellas getting up ta stuff up on the mountain.”
“Oh, I dunno bout that. Mountains seem ta bring that out in guys, don’t they?” He lifted his head, eyes twinkling. Ennis kissed him gently and he lay his head back down to Ennis’s shoulder.
“Thank God fer that,” he murmured.
a "Brokeback Mountain" fanfiction by Mad Lori
Prologue -- Chapter 1 -- Chapter 2 -- Chapter 3 -- Chapter 4 -- Chapter 5 -- Chapter 6 -- Chapter 7 -- Chapter 8 -- Chapter 9 -- Chapter 10 -- Chapter 11 -- Chapter 12 -- Chapter 13 -- Chapter 14 -- Chapter 15 -- Chapter 16 -- Chapter 17 -- Chapter 18 -- Chapter 19 -- Chapter 20 -- Chapter 21 -- Chapter 22 -- Chapter 23 -- Chapter 24 -- Chapter 25 -- Chapter 26 -- Chapter 27 -- Chapter 28 -- Chapter 29 -- Chapter 30 -- Chapter 31 -- Chapter 32 -- Chapter 33 -- Chapter 34 -- Chapter 35 -- Chapter 36 -- Chapter 37 -- Chapter 38 -- Chapter 39
No, your eyes do not deceive you. I told you I would finish this story, and I will!
Quick refresher: Ennis is out of the hospital. Ken's pled guilty to assault, and Ennis's decision to speak on his behalf at his sentencing is making Jack crazy. Meanwhile Jack has talked Ennis into going away with him to a private resort in California for his recuperation...a resort for gay men.
The morning of Ken’s hearing dawned sharp and bright. It had snowed overnight, and a fresh blanket of soft white powder lay over everything, turning even the messiest corner of the ranch into picture-postcard scenery. It wouldn’t last, Ennis knew. Before long there’d be mucky, brown paths worn through where horses and vehicles passed, and the shit from animals and the toss-off from truck wheels would have everything looking even dingier than in summer when brown and green were the orders or the day. But for now, he could enjoy it. He stood at the bedroom window, looking out. He felt like strapping on his snowshoes and going out for a morning walk with a Thermos of coffee tucked into his coat. He felt like building a snow fort and challenging anyone who wandered by to a fight to the death with snowballs.
“Nice view,” Jack said.
“Yep,” Ennis agreed, nodding…then realized that Jack was still in bed and couldn’t see out the window. He looked over and saw Jack eyeballing Ennis’s naked body instead. “Oh, you like that view, huh?”
“You betcha.”
Ennis came back to bed and carefully slid under the covers, burrowing close to Jack’s warmth, his feet cold from the wood floor. “Mmm, yer all nice n warm.”
“Dang, Ennis! Yer feet are like ice!” Jack squirmed away, but Ennis followed. They tussled a bit, gently, mindful of Ennis’s incision. “Aw, hell,” Ennis finally muttered, giving up and rolling to his back. “Bout time we was getting up anyway.”
Jack looked over at him. “What time we gotta be there?” he murmured.
Ennis sighed. “His hearin’s at ten.”
“All right.”
There was a long pause. “Jack, I jus don’t…”
“Shush. I’m goin with you. We been over this enough.”
“Guess.”
Jack sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Ennis, you gonna say whatever you gonna say. I won’t be tryin ta stop you. I jus…I jus wanna be there.”
“So I’ll have ta look atcha and know yer sitting right there when I say my piece, is that it?”
“Maybe I do jus wanna hear you say it. Maybe I wanna see his face. Maybe I wanna hear what the judge is gonna say ta him. Maybe I jus wanna be able ta glare at him. That ain’t so terrible, is it?”
Ennis grunted. “Guess not.” He watched Jack get out of bed, the stretch and pull of his muscles, the tension in his shoulders. He didn’t like to think about what Jack had been through recently. If it had been Jack hurt and near death, he knew what kind of state he would have been in. Jack was holding up a lot better than he imagined he would do.
And now yer just pilin on more shit with this Ken business. How would you feel if he was wantin ta forgive someone that hurt him so bad? What if he wanted ta forgive Forrester, and ask for him ta get a lighter sentence? How can ya do this ta him?
Ennis watched the man he called his husband dress in breakfast-time flannels, his hair corkscrewed into boyish whorls and spikes, and made a surprisingly easy decision. I gotta do more’n just call him my husband. “Jack?”
“Huh?”
“Let’s not go.”
Jack turned back toward him. “What?”
“To the hearin. Let’s not go. I don’t need ta speak fer him. He’s got a lawyer.”
Jack blinked, his eyes wide and surprised. “But…Ennis…you were so dead set on it!” He sat back down on the bed and faced him.
Ennis grunted. “Maybe was so fer the wrong reasons, like ya said.”
“But what about all that talk about how he’s family and all that shit?”
Ennis lifted a hand to Jack’s face. “Yeah. He’s family. But you come first, Jack.”
Jack looked into Ennis’s eyes, like he was measuring his sincerity. Finally a small smile crept onto his face. “Thank you, cowboy,” he murmured. He leaned forward and kissed him quietly, then gave a quick nod. “But we’re goin ta that hearin.”
“Whut?” Ennis said.
“Ya heard me. You wanted ta go, so we’re goin.”
“I jus said we shouldn’t. Not when it’s makin you so upset.”
“And I thought I didn’t want you ta go and speak fer him. But…I think what I wanted was just ta know that you were willin ta put my feelins first, and you jus did. So let’s go.” Jack got up and held out his arm to assist Ennis in rising.
Ennis stared up at him, bewildered. “Ya know,” he said, “men is jus as confusin as women sometimes.” Jack laughed. Ennis batted Jack’s arm away. “Don’t wanna get up jus yet. Rather have ya come back in here with me.”
“Oh yeah? And what you got in mind?”
“Well…thought we might get ourselves up ta somethin.”
Jack’s lips curled into a smirk and his eyebrows waggled. “Think I like the sound a that, darlin.”
The kitchen was deserted by the time Jack finally made it there, but there was a fresh pot of coffee, which meant Lizzie had been up to the house already. Jack poured a cup and looked out at the patio, the snow lying on the railings and posts like frosting on cupcakes. “Morning,” Lizzie said from behind him.
“Mornin, swee pea.”
She sat at the kitchen island with her own coffee cup and some papers from the office. “Sleep okay?”
“Sure.”
“You, uh…nervous about today?”
“Nervous? Not sure that’s the word. Kinda anxious, yeah. Don’t know what’s gonna happen.”
“What are you hoping for?”
“Jus…I dunno. Justice, I guess. I want him ta pay fer what he done. But at the same time…I don’t want Ennis ta get hurt again, and I sure’s hell don’t want him feelin guilty for-fuckin-ever cause his brother’s in jail, cause I’ll hafta hear about it and I’ll tell ya, I ain’t sure I could hold my tongue on that subject.”
Lizzie shook her head. “It’s astonishing to me that Ennis feels guilty when he’s the one who was almost killed.”
“You ‘n me both.” Jack sighed. “I want ta see Ken punished, but at the same time, I don’t want Ennis’s conscience givin him hell fer years over it, even if there ain’t no reason for it. I’d rather see Ken go free than have Ennis tormented over it.”
“You would?”
“Nothin gonna take back what Ken did, and it ain’t like we gonna welcome him inta the family with open arms if he gets probation or some such.” Jack rubbed at his forehead. “I jus want it over fer us. I want Ennis ta recover and get back ta doin what he loves, wanna get back to everythin bein the way it was before all this shit started.”
Silence fell in the kitchen, broken only by the sound of Jack sipping his coffee.
“I’ve retained a lawyer to help your parents,” Lizzie finally said.
“Yeah?” Jack said, feeling a stab of guilt that he’d barely given his parents’ situation a thought since arriving back in Farmingdale.
“I spoke to him yesterday, and he said he’s lined up several rental properties for your father to look at that are in Gillette. He also spoke to your father’s future employer, and they said that he could work out of Gillette, no problem.”
“That’s good. She’d be close ta the doctors she knows, and she’n Alma have gotten close.”
“I, uh…spoke to Alma too. Junior’s been talking to her, but you should really talk to your mother, and Ennis should talk to Alma, and Francine if he can.”
“I know,” Jack said, hanging his head and rubbing a hand through his hair. “I can only hold so many things in my head at once, ya know?”
“I know. And they understand, really.”
“I’ll call once me’n Ennis get back from the hearin.” Jack moodily sipped at his coffee.
“Did you tell Ennis about your vacation idea?”
Jack smiled. “Yeah. He reacted bout like you thought he would. Seemed like he wasn’t totally against the idea, though. I’ll jus let it percolate in his head for awhile. If I don’t push it, he’ll like as not come round. That’s the way ta get Ennis ta go along with somethin.” He shook his head, chuckling. “Sometimes I think being partnered up with someone, whether yer married or roommates or a coupla guys ranched up like us, is halfways about learnin how ta play each other.”
Jack and Ennis were at the courtroom by quarter of ten, dressed in their best jackets and ties. They sat in the second row behind the county prosecutor while a couple of other cases were heard. One guy who’d beat up his wife, another guy who’d stolen a car.
It was all so surreal to Jack. It was so…ordinary. The ho-hum, humdrum daily business of the small-town justice system, grinding away. Each person who came to stand before the judge was in the midst of what was likely a life-changing crisis, or at least one of their worst moments, but for the bailiff and the court reporter and the other people who worked here, it was just another day on the job. Nothing tragic, nothing revolutionary. Just another docket to be called, another paper to be stamped.
And it’d be that way with Ken, too. To Jack and Ennis, this was an above-the-fold entry in their lives, something that would always be one of their most terrible memories, something that would change them in ways they weren’t even yet conscious of. For Ken it would probably mean something worse. And yet everyone looked bored. How can this be normal? Jack felt like shouting. These are people’s lives.
Then, the side door opened and a bailiff came in with Ken. Jack sensed Ennis’s back stiffen up a little, pushing him straighter, as his brother entered the room. He was dressed up nicely in a blue suit and tie. The bailiff took his cuffs off before he sat down at the table with his lawyer.
The clerk read off the docket number and then the judge started talking. “Mr. Del Mar, you’ve pled guilty to one count of aggravated assault and one count of assault with a deadly weapon. You understand these charges?”
“I do, Your Honor,” Ken said, standing up.
“Do you have anything you’d like to say before sentence is handed down?”
“Yes, sir.” Ken cleared his throat and turned halfway around, like he wanted to look at them but couldn’t quite bring himself to meet their eyes. He faced forward again. “I done a terrible thing ta my brother, who hadn’t been nothin but welcomin and kind, which I didn’t even deserve. It’s only outta the grace a God and my niece’s handiness with a fryin pan that I ain’t done worse, and I will be forever thankful fer that. Yeah, I was drunk, and I’d jus got some…surprisin news. But ain’t none a that matter, Your Honor. I’m so damn sorry,” he said, his voice choking up. Ennis’s hand clutched Jack’s tightly. Jack squeezed back. Ken sniffled. “That’s…that’s all.”
The judge nodded. “I have here a note that your brother has something he’d like to say. Mr. Del Mar, you may stand and make your statement at this time.”
Ennis looked at Jack, his eyes searching Jack’s face for…for something, Jack didn’t know what. He gave Jack’s hand another squeeze, released it then stood up. “Your Honor, I uh…I ain’t got nothin ta say.”
The judge frowned. “Your brother’s lawyer has indicated that you wished to make a statement in support of your brother.”
Jack gaped up at Ennis, surprise rushing in his ears so he could barely hear what Ennis said next. “My brother attacked me fer no good reason, Your Honor. He caused my family a lotta pain and grief, which in my mind is worse’n what he done ta me. I’ll get better, but we all gonna bear the scars a what he done. I’ll let you decide what punishment’s fittin fer his crime. Thank you.”
Ennis sat down. Jack grabbed for his hand again, not caring who saw. Ennis turned slightly toward him and held Jack’s hand in both of his own, his eyes lowered.
The judge nodded. “In that case, Kenneth Del Mar, I sentence you to a period of two years incarceration, effective immediately. Dismissed.” He banged his gavel.
Jack waited for Ken to turn around and look at them, or acknowledge their presence, but he didn’t. Jack wondered if he was angry, but his body language certainly didn’t read that way. His shoulders were rounded and slumped, his head hung down as the bailiff cuffed him again and led him from the courtroom. Ennis’s eyes tracked his brother’s exit, then he sagged back against the hard wooden seat as the door shut behind Ken’s back. He was still gripping Jack’s hands.
They sat there in silence as the judge gaveled a recess for lunch and the court reporters and bailiffs left. Ken’s lawyer packed up his briefcase and walked out, sparing them the slightest glance on his way. Ennis just sat there, not moving. Jack waited.
Finally, the courtroom was deserted. At long last, Ennis disentangled himself, gripped the rail in front of him and carefully raised himself to his feet. He stepped into the aisle, Jack right behind him. Ennis turned and faced him.
Jack shrugged. “What made ya change yer mind?” he said, quietly.
Ennis took his hands again, lowering his eyes to stare at their clasped fingers. “I didn’t need mercy fer him, Jack. I needed it fer me. But now I’m thinkin I got all the mercy I need right here.” He met Jack’s eyes, then leaned forward and kissed him gently. Jack didn’t know what to say, so he just stood there with his mouth hanging open as Ennis pulled back and drew him up the aisle by his hand. “C’mon, babe. Let’s get us home.”
The house was peaceful. Jack had gone out to ride the fenceline and check in with Rod and Lars. Lizzie was out somewhere on an errand, Junior was at school. Ennis had the house to himself.
He carefully lowered himself to sit on the bed, took a deep breath, and picked up the phone. He dialed the number, checking a scrap of paper where he’d copied it from Lizzie’s Rolodex.
It rang twice. “Hello?”
“Hey there, Alma.”
He heard her exhale sharply. “Ennis. My Lord. We been worryin bout you! You couldn’ta called before this?”
“Well…I know Junior been keepin you up ta date…”
“Yes, but it woulda been nice to hear from you, hear you say yer all right.”
“Mmm. I’m all right, guess.”
“You feeling okay, then?”
“Been out the hospital a few days now. I’m powerful sore, gotta watch what I do so I don’t strain myself, but doin all right.”
“You were in there such a long time…”
“Yeah, near ta ten days.” Silence fell, not entirely comfortable. “Jus wanted ta call and check in with ya.”
“Well, I’m glad bout that,” Alma said, sounding like she wanted to scold him again for not having done so sooner. “Francie’s been askin,” she said, in a lower voice.
“Yeah?” Ennis said, a sliver of hope entering his heart.
“She’s been real worried bout ya.”
“Thought she might a blamed me bein hurt on my sinnin ways.”
“Well…ain’t gonna lie to ya, there’s been some a that. But I think she was jus scared that you might die.” She cleared her throat. “We was all scared a that.”
“Francie there, then?” A heavy ball of nervousness had settled in Ennis’s gut at the prospect of talking to her. He wasn’t exactly at his best, and Lord knew what hateful shit she might unload on him…he wasn’t sure he could handle it. But if she was there, he had to try. He’d never quit trying. Alma’s words about Francie’s concern for him gave him a little optimism…just enough to make him hope Francie was there instead of hope she wasn’t.
He heard Alma sigh. “I’m sorry, she ain’t here. She’s with her church group again,” she said, her dislike of the group evident in her voice. “I wish I could get her ta come to a decent church with me’n Monroe. Got ourselves a nice church, with nice people, none a this horrible stirring up a trouble, turning kids ‘gainst their folks like these people done ta her. I wish I knew what kinda poison they were fillin her head with, I just don’t know what ta do,” she said, her words tumbling out over and over each other. Ennis wondered how often she let herself talk like this. Did she talk to Monroe about it? Did she have any friends she talked to?
“I don’t know what ta do either, Alma.”
“Well, why the hell not?” she suddenly snapped. “Seems like ya got all the other answers, with yer ranch and yer money and everythin else.” Tears were clogging her voice now.
“Why ya getting after me, now?” Ennis said, his voice rising. “You want me t’apologize fer havin my life together, then? And it ain’t all sunshine ‘n roses my end either, ya know, or maybe you forgot I been in the hospital and jus this morning I watched my brother hauled off ta jail.”
There was a long pause. Finally, Alma spoke again in a small voice. “I’m sorry, Ennis,” she said. “Yer right, I got no call ta get after you. Jus…feels like I been livin with this Francie situation forever and I’m at my wit’s end.”
“It’s me she’s cuttin outta her life, Alma, not you.”
“I ain’t her favorite person in the world either. No one’s good enough, no one but these damn church people. Makes me afraid it’s some kinda cult, like them folks down south a few years back. I know that sounds crazy but the way she talks, it’s like…like she been brainwashed or somethin!”
“Alma, jus…take it easy, all right?” Ennis felt his stomach churning and wished he hadn’t waited to make this call until Jack was out of the house. Why had he? Why had he thought he needed to be alone to talk to Alma? Jack had spent plenty of time talking to Alma himself out in Wyoming.
You know why. You didn’t want him ta hear in case you got emotional talkin bout Francie. You gotta put up a brave front, like yer all better and this Ken thing ain’t getting you down. Don’t know who you think yer foolin, anyway. You cain’t put nothin over on yer man.
Whatever the reason, he wished for him now. He didn’t know what to say to Alma, how to fix it…if it could be fixed at all.
“I’m tryin,” Alma said. “Tryin ta let her find her own way, but…what if this is her way? What if it ain’t no phase, like Grace said it is? I don’t wanna lose my daughter ta this craziness, Ennis.”
“I don’t want that, neither,” he said. “Jus don’t see there’s much we got ta say bout it. She’ll be eighteen soon, and it won’t be any a our business how she choose ta live her life.”
“And you could jus leave it at that? Write her off, say it’s her life and best a luck to her, knowing what kinda…” She stopped abruptly. “I guess we jus different that way.”
“I wouldn’t wanna leave it like that, dammit. But if there’s one thing I learned it’s ya cain’t control what other folks do or think or feel. All you can do is keep a hold a yerself. If Francie wants ta give herself over ta this church group, I will make sure she knows I love her and I’ll always be there for her, no matter who she’s with.”
Alma sighed again, sounding weary beyond the telling. “I didn’t mean ta dump all this on ya jus now, Ennis. I know you got other things on yer mind, and you just getting better.”
“It’s all right.” He hesitated. “How’s Grace doin?”
“Oh, she’s jus fine. With that new medicine they give her you cain’t hardly see no tremors.”
“Sure Jack be glad ta hear that.”
“What, he ain’t sittin there right next ta you, listenin in?”
“No, he is out on the ranch, and that was a helluva comment.”
She hesitated a moment before speaking. “Yeah, sorry. I ain’t in the best a tempers.”
“I best be getting along, Alma. But I also wanted ta let ya know that me n Jack are goin outta town. Leavin next Friday, be gone a coupla weeks.”
“Oh?”
“We’re going to a kinda…campground,” he finished lamely, not wanting to tell Alma they were going to a resort for gay men. He could hardly believe it himself. “Warm, quiet place. Jack seems ta think I need ta rest and not do nothin fer awhile.”
“Well, he might be onta somethin there,” Alma said, and he heard a reluctant smile in her voice. “You gotta hole in yer belly that needs healin. I guess Lizzie’d be able ta get a hold a you if the need should arise?”
“Sure enough.”
“All right, then. You, uh…have a nice time. And tell Junior ta call her mama. Jack could take that advice, too.”
“Will do. Bye, Alma.”
“Goodbye, Ennis.”
He hung up the phone, unsettled thoughts about Francine and old Mr. Twist swirling around, mixing in with his already-unsettled thoughts about Ken and this damn gay resort he was about to be shanghaied off to.
He shook his head. Boy, you got yerself a full plate, and no mistake.
When Junior got home, Ennis was sitting at the table in the breakfast nook, eating a biscuit and reading one of Lizzie’s magazines. She seemed to receive at least five per week. There were the newsmagazines, Time and Newsweek. Then there the monthlies, a couple for writers, some about music, and then some of them women’s magazines Jack had occasionally teased him about. Ennis had, to his chagrin, become fond of reading “Ladies’ Home Journal.” At first, he’d quickly hid it whenever anyone had come in, but he’d given it up as a lost cause. He didn’t know what it was, somethin about the advice columns and the hints for gardening and folks’ screwed-up marriages made for entertainin readin.
Junior smiled to see him there. “Readin that Heloise column again, Daddy?”
He grunted. “She got some mighty useful tips, that Heloise.”
“I’m sure.” She sat down next to him and picked up a biscuit. “How did it go?” she asked, trying to sound casual about it.
Ennis put down the magazine. “Well…it went all right.”
“What did you say to the judge?”
He watched her eyes. She was intensely interested, and hoping that he would have said the appropriate thing, whatever she judged that to be, but she was feigning nonchalance so as not to make him fear that his words would bring her retribution. “Turns out there weren’t nothin ta say.”
Junior looked at him. “Oh?”
He nodded, smiling at little as he met her gaze. “I was sittin there with Jack next ta me, lookin at Ken’s back in front a me, and it just…well, it occurred ta me that there’s a reason why they was in those particular spots, ya know?”
She smiled, slowly. “Cause Jack’s what matters?”
“That’s right, darlin. So I jus told that judge that he oughta do whatever he sees fit, and then we came home.”
Junior reached across and grasped his hand. “I’m glad, Daddy.”
Ennis felt his face heating up. He shifted in his chair. “Aw, well…I, uh, spoke ta yer mother.”
“Oh yeah? Finally called her, huh?”
“Yes, and I’ll thank you not to sound so amazed.”
The back door opened and Jack came in, stamping his feet and hands together, his cheeks ruddy with cold. “Hey there, Junior!” he said, grinning. “How was school today?”
She grinned at him. “It was jus fine.”
Jack kicked off his boots by the door and padded over to the table, leaning over to kiss Ennis. Ennis let him, ignoring the little alarm that still went off in his head that said not in front of Junior, even though it wasn’t the first time, far from it, and she barely took notice. Every time he touched Jack in front of her, he had to remind himself that it was okay, that he was safe here, that they both were, and that his daughter loved him. One of his daughters loved him. “Yer dad tell ya what went down at the courthouse this mornin?” he asked Junior.
She nodded. “That he did.” Ennis watched the two of them exchange a look that he himself wasn’t a part of.
Jack sat down and took a biscuit for himself. “Well…fer better or worse, it’s behind us now.”
Ennis thoughtfully munched on his biscuit. “I think I might…go on down and see him fer a spell, though. Talk a little.” Jack just looked at him. “Be glass between us, bud. Ain’t no danger.”
“Ain’t the danger ta yer person that I’m worried bout.”
“Jus wanna talk to him.”
“Ya done that, in the hospital.”
“Yeah, but…doesn’t feel like it was really me. I was all laid up, and I couldn’t really talk bout what happened, and I didn’t know what was gonna happen ta him. It don’t feel finished.”
“If you talk to him again, what then? Will it feel finished then?” Jack asked, a slight edge coming into his voice.
Ennis shrugged. “I dunno, Jack. I dunno if it’ll ever be finished. Ain’t that always the way with families? There ain’t never no finished?”
Jack managed a half smile. “That it is, bud. That it is.”
The next day, Ennis drove himself down to the county jail, where Ken was still being held until the end of the week, when he’d be transported to the prison where he’d spend the next two years, or however long it ended up being before he got out. Jack had asked if he could drive him, but had surprisingly not put up a fight when Ennis said he could handle it. Nurse Sharon had told him to wait until he was off the heavy drugs before he drove, and to take it easy, but now he was off the heavy drugs, and he was taking it easy.
When he got there, Walter showed him into a little room with a wall and a screen, just one chair on either side. Not too many prisoners here in Farmingdale.
Ennis sat down, and a few minutes later, Ken was let in, his face brightening up to see Ennis. He sat down opposite him. Ennis had thought there’d be one of those phones like in the movies, but the mesh wasn’t solid and they could hear each other just fine.
“Well,” Ken said, half-smiling, like he wanted to smile but wasn’t sure it was appropriate in this situation. “This is a surprise.”
“Wanted ta come see ya before they took y’up.”
“Thanks. My lawyer says I might get out in less’n a year with good behavior.”
“That’d be…good,” Ennis said, lamely. His gut wanted to say that it’d be good, but his head was insisting that he ought to be demanding a longer prison sentence for his attacker. It was confusing to be caught in the middle. “Look,” he said. “I know ya thought I was gonna say some little words for ya, but…”
Ken held up a hand. “No, you don’t gotta explain that. I ain’t expected you ta say nothin. I don’t deserve no kindnesses from you, Ennis.” His eyes flicked up and down as much of Ennis as he could see. “You doin all right then? Healing up good?”
“Yeah, I’m on the mend. I get tired, and still pretty sore. I jus wanted ta come n explain why I ain’t spoke up for ya.”
“I told you, you don’t hafta…”
“I want to, all right?” Ennis said. He took a deep breath. “Some things Jack said…some things that struck me ta be true. Cause it weren’t jus me that ya hurt, but my daughter and Jack, and other folks that care bout me. That’s worse ta me than the hurt I suffered.”
Ken nodded. “I know it is.”
“So I figger I gotta take into account what my family thinks, cause…maybe they’re right. Maybe I wanted ta help ya cause I blamed myself for what ya done.”
Ken shook his head vigorously. “You ain’t got no blame ta bear.”
“That’s what everybody keeps tellin me, but it still feels like if I’d a been straight with ya from the beginning, it wouldn’ta come ta such a thing. If I’d a sat ya down when ya got here and told you the truth…well, who knows.”
“So why’d you wait?” Ken asked, his big eyes pinning Ennis in place.
He sighed. “Cause I figgered if ya got ta know me again, saw my regular normal boring life, had a few days ta remember how we used ta be brothers…maybe when I told ya, you’d be able ta take it and wouldn’t walk right out the door again.”
“Well…that sounds like good logic ta me.”
“It’s jus dumb luck that you happen ta find out.” Ennis wasn’t about to bring up that before the attack, he’d made up his mind not to tell Ken at all.
Ken bent his head a little to catch Ennis’s lowered gaze. “That’s right, Ennis. Dumb luck. And the way we was brought up, that made ya think I’d walk away if you told me right off.”
“Would you have done?”
“I dunno. Probly. But why’s that? That’s fucked up. And I sure didn’t give you no reason ta put yer mind at ease bout tellin me with all my talk bout yer friend the vet.”
“No, ya didn’t.”
“You know, buddy a mine back home…he married a colored gal, back in the late sixties. Didn’t bother most folks round there cause all a them knew them both, but his family back in Utah, they’d never sit with that. So he never told em. They couldn’t afford ta come to the wedding nohow, and when he’d visit he had this fake picture he’d show them if they made him do. I know it bothered him ta lie, and once I asked him how he could stand it. He said ta me, ‘it ain’t a lie if they make ya lie.’” He paused a moment. “If you lied, Ennis, it was cause I made ya, and our dad made ya, and every fuckin other thing in the world made ya. I ain’t gonna sit here and say I get how you live, or that I’d a said fine and dandy if you’d told me yerself, but…seems ta me you bein made ta lie jus like my friend, and it ain’t no more right fer you than it is fer him. So don’t you dare blame nobody but me for what I done. Not yer man, not yerself. I may a fallen off my wagon but I still remember my steps, and part a that is taking responsbility fer what ya done, good and bad. I’ll do my time like a man and when I get out, maybe you’ll speak ta me again.” He smiled a little. “If that fella you got don’t chase me off with a shotgun, that is.”
Ennis smiled back. “He might do. And…his name’s Jack, ya know. Wouldn’t kill ya to say it.”
“Jack,” Ken repeated, as if his mouth were testing the word to see how it tasted, or if it would poison him.
Ennis shook his head. “I cain’t believe yer bein so equitable that I’m…queer.”
A muscle clenched in Ken’s jaw. “I’m doing my best, Ennis. I owe you the truth, though, and if all this hadn’t a happened and you’d jus told me, I would likely be showin you my taillights. But…seems ta me that me hatin what you are made me do this thing ta you, this thing I wouldn’ta never done ta you in a million years no matter what you’d done or how you lived. It cain’t be good, it cain’t be right. So I’m tryin.”
“Guess that’s all I can ask a you.”
“Can I ask…some things? About it?” Ken was rubbing his hands together now, twitching nervously.
That sounded like Ennis’s own personal hell, to answer questions about his queer life with the brother who’d nearly killed him for it, but Jack always said that hate came from ignorance, so maybe he oughta try. “Okay.”
“This man ya got…Jack, that is. You, uh…you feel fer him? Like you would fer a woman? Or, I guess, like a regular guy would feel fer a woman?”
“I am a regular guy, Ken.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah. I feel fer him. I love him.” Ennis steeled himself, knowing that he had to be more emphatic about it. “I’m in love with him.”
Ken blinked a few times, nodding, fidgeting some more. “And you…sleep with him?”
“Yeah.” If Ken wanted to ask these questions, Ennis would answer no more than was asked.
“You, uh…have…relations with him?” Ken looked simultaneously embarrassed and intensly curious to be asking these questions.
Ennis grit his teeth. His normal response would be to snap that his private life was none of anyone’s business, but Ken was trying to understand, and he was starting from scratch. He was confused, like the goddamned rest of the world, it sometimes seemed. “Yeah,” he managed to say. “It’s like other couples, Ken. We ain’t much different.”
“Do you…wear women’s clothes n such?”
Ennis jerked. “What? Hell, no! What the fuck?”
“I’m jus askin! Y’hear about these queer men with the…lipstick and such.”
“We ain’t like that. Christ almighty.”
“Okay.” Ken seemed mildly reassured by this. “Whaddya call him?”
“Jack. That’s his name.”
“No, I mean…he’s yer…uh…what?”
Ennis sighed, wishing for escape but determined to stick it out. “Some folks say ‘partner.’ I guess I do too, but fact is that ta me, he’s my husband.”
He saw Ken flinch a little at the word. “Husband, huh?”
“We made promises, like anyone else does. We jus don’t get the benefits.”
“What d’you expect? To get treated like regular married folks?”
“Well, why the hell not?”
“Cause…cause…just cause!” Ken spluttered. He seemed to have reached his critical mass of tolerance. “Cause it ain’t natural, and ya cain’t have children.”
“So? I already got kids. And aren’t there enough kids in the world without every damn person havin ta contribute more n more?”
Ken put up his hands. “All right, all right, it’s just…you fellas who’re like you and Jack wanna live together I guess yer gonna, but surely ya cain’t expect folks ta treat you like you was for-real married, like normal folks.”
Ennis stared at the table top. “No, I guess not. Don’t mean we cain’t wish for it.” He stood up. “I best get on home now.”
Ken stood, too. “Ennis…I’m sorry,” he said in a rush. “Fer everything.”
Ennis held his eyes for a moment. “Might be I’ll come up ta see you in the big house now n again. But don’t go countin the days.” He turned his back on the beginnings of Ken’s goodbyes and walked out.
He didn’t stop until he was outside in the freezing air, powdery ice crystals skimming over his face, blown off the nearby dunes. The cold felt refreshing after the stuffiness of the little room. He felt like he had space around him again. His abdomen ached a little; he was down to just Tylenol for his pain now.
He got in the car (carefully) and pulled out of the parking lot, back home, back to Jack.
That night, Ennis dozed in bed while Jack finished a book he “just couldn’t put down until it was done.” He felt Jack shift and sigh; he came awake with a snuffle.
“Finish that thing?”
“Yep,” Jack said, stretching and putting the book aside. He put out the light and snuggled down.
“Good. Cause I got something else here fer you ta finish,” Ennis growled, turning on his side to kiss him.
“Mmm,” Jack said against his lips, smiling. “Yer mighty frisky tonight. How you feelin?”
“Feelin good. Feelin strong.” He ducked down again and captured Jack’s mouth in a hard, probing kiss, sliding his tongue between Jack’s lips. He slid his hand down to cup Jack’s ass, then around to the back of his thigh, hitching it up around his hip. Jack responded eagerly, his arms wrapping around Ennis’s back as he rocked their hips together, the delicious friction making Ennis gasp.
“You fixin ta get up ta somethin, cowboy?” Jack whispered. Ennis could hear the undercurrent of need in his voice. They’d had limited sex since his return, but had not been able to go at each other with the abandon and the physicality they were used to. Caution had to be the watchword now, but this night…he felt like he was ready. Ready to make love to Jack the way he knew he’d been missing.
“Wanna get inside ya,” Ennis said, lust roughening his voice. God, how he wanted it. Wanted to feel Jack beneath him again, wanted to be between his legs, giving it to him hard the way he liked it, feeling Jack’s fingers digging into his ass, seeing the arch of Jack’s neck, his thighs wrapped around his torso and squeezing, squeezing him like them damn bulls he used to ride, so hot and tight around him while he made Jack his again, exploding inside him and leaving his mark in Jack’s body. “Wanna fuck you hard,” he breathed into Jack’s mouth, kissing him again, drowning in his sweet mouth.
“God yeah,” Jack gasped. “You sure? Sure yer up to it?” he asked between kisses.
Ennis guided Jack’s hand to his stiff cock. “Whaddya think?”
Jack’s eyebrows shot up. “Feels like yer up for it, all right.” He rolled onto his back and pulled Ennis over with him, writhing against him and twining around him, tangling their legs and grabbing at their sleep pants.
Ennis settled in his spot, his best spot, between Jack’s thighs, cradled in his hard muscles, not much give and yield in this body. Ken hadn’t asked what having sex with a man was like, but Ennis knew he’d wanted to, and this…this was what it was like. Something to pound against, something to hold you up and push you around and clutch against you that would clutch back. It was hardness and bristle and stickiness and bruises and pain and muscles and hair, it was joy and ecstasy and heavy whiskey breathing and growling and yelling and hard, deep kisses, it was spunk and sweat and lube and shit and laughing and teasing and fighting and sometimes crying, it was talking and touching and love.
It was life. His life. It was Jack.
He felt Jack’s firm chest beneath him and the strong arms around him, their groins socked tight against each other, and his body took over and his hips gave a hard thrust.
And the pain ripped up through Ennis’s abdomen like a lightning bolt. He cried out and went stiff, his body jolting itself off of Jack and over onto its back at his side. The breath was ripped from his lungs and he lay there, eyes wide, paralyzed for a moment.
“Shit,” he heard Jack say, then he was up on his elbow and leaning over him. “Ennis? Ennis, you okay?” He couldn’t quite move yet. Jack was checking the now-smallish bandage over Ennis’s incision. He moved back up and put a hand on Ennis’s face. “Breathe, honey,” he whispered, resting his cheek against Ennis’s temple, one of his arms going around his chest. “It’s okay. Take it easy.”
Ennis sucked in a deep breath and his body let go, relaxing against the mattress, the pain in his gut receding to a dull roar. “Jesus fucking Christ,” he said, his voice sounding reedy and choked.
“Are you all right?” Jack said, worry lacing his voice.
“That fuckin hurt,” Ennis said.
“I guess so.” He kissed Ennis’s face, his hand stroking his chest, soothing him, gentling him. “Breathe easy now. I’m gonna get you a Percodan and some water.” Ennis was too stunned to protest that he didn’t need it, besides, he did need it. He didn’t even watch Jack going across to the bathroom, kept his eyes shut until the pills were being pressed into his hands and the water held to his lips.
Jack climbed back into bed and tucked himself close to Ennis’s side, his arm draped carefully over his hips, well below the incision. “Well, shit,” he said, sounding rueful. “That didn’t work at all.”
Ennis shook his head, feeling tears prickling. “I’m…so fuckin sorry, Jack.”
Jack sat up again. “Don’t you dare say that. Be plenty a time fer us ta fuck.”
“But I wanted ta do ya so bad…I know you been missing it, and so’ve I…”
“Yeah, I miss it, but not so much that I want you ta hurt yerself. You got more healin ta do, and we’ll be off on our trip in a coupla days. “
Ennis lifted his arm to Jack’s shoulders and drew him back down, tucking his head beneath Ennis’s chin. “Ya know…I’m actually kinda lookin forward to this crazy trip we goin on.”
“It’ll be nice. No worries, nothin we gotta do, cept lie in the sun and relax.”
“With gay guys.”
“Ain’t like they’re gonna be hanging around our cabin, Ennis,” Jack said, wearily. “We won’t even…”
“Hafta see em at all, yeah I know. Be weird, tho. Just ta know that…we ain’t the strange ones there. We’ll be…normal.”
“We are normal.”
Ennis sniffed. “Some don’t think so.”
Jack was quiet a moment. “I love you, Ennis. I picked you, and you picked me, and we got a house and a fridge and cars and bills and friends and a damn VCR in the livin room. If we were any more normal we’d be the fuckin Waltons.”
Ennis chuckled a little. “Betcha old Grandpa Walton ain’t never had no fellas getting up ta stuff up on the mountain.”
“Oh, I dunno bout that. Mountains seem ta bring that out in guys, don’t they?” He lifted his head, eyes twinkling. Ennis kissed him gently and he lay his head back down to Ennis’s shoulder.
“Thank God fer that,” he murmured.