A place to fucking hide

Jan 29, 2006 23:15

I am pretty sure that this place is no longer being read, so I will write down, in a self-loathing kind of way, all of the shit that I've been thinking about and not come off as a emotionally unstable, immature little bitch with too much to whine about. Thank god no one is aware of this place anymore.

So, where to begin. It all starts, I guess, in the middle of last semester, which was October of 2005. Something happened, still don't know what it is, that just made me slowly but steadily lose interest in everything that I will have done until now. I thought it was just the classes, but nothing changed for the better. I tried my best to keep some semblance of interest in whatever it was that I was doing at the time, whether it was job, school, or whatever else. I seriously thought that I was just going through a phase, but little did I know it turned out to be much worse. I thought that the whole shebang would only last until winter break, so I can get some rejuvenation from just relaxing. I thought at the time that I was only just too tired and too beaten-up to enjoy anything that I used to, like playing games, or girls, or just about everything else.

Sure enough, I got a lot of rest during the break, had an awesome time, and I felt, by the end of the break, that this little sullen period had passed. Wrong again. My euphoria and enthusiasm lasted for exactly two days before the indifference once again struck me in the face. I couldn't explain why, seeing as how classes haven't even really started yet. It seemed to me that there shouldn't be anything bothering me at that particular point in time. I was doing very well in school, had a nice job with potential for great reward and upside, and was supposedly doing all the right things on the path to law-school. But again, absolutely no enthusiasm whatsoever, not even any fake one that I can try to muster up. I mean I see other people getting excited about their goals and their attempts to achieve them, and there was, sitting with a goddamn blank expression on my face. Well, inside I was technically being contemptous, even though the hypocrite that I am, am doing the very same things for law-school. Some part of me wanted to be able to partake in their enthusiasm, whether real or not, and the other part of me just sneered and silently told all of them to suck a dick and go fuck themselves.

I don't know what is happening to me, but it scares me. I used to be a cynical bastard, and I at least derived some enjoyment, in a sort of twisted and bitter way, out of the success and enthusiasm of other people and my own hypocrisy for dissing them yet doing what they are doing at the same time. Now I can't even do that, I have become so indifferent and jaded to such a degree that I never thought possible for me. I mean I used to be so much more, what's the word, alive? Or at least emotionally engaged. Nowadays I can't even muster up enough energy to be contemptous; it's all spent on the grind, doing all the right things and whatnot. On the outside I maintain what could be reasonably called a normal life, going about my business in a non-descript manner, not noticing and not being noticed. I have a small circle of friends, I watch TV just like every other American, I root for my favorite sports teams, and I listen to what can be called normal music. But on the inside, I feel like I'm being drained, like a boat with just a tiny hole on the bottom from which the water drips, one drop at a time. You can't possibly tell that something's being drained, but most assuredly it is. And I don't even know what's being drained out of me. My enthusiasm? Passion for living? Interest?

So now I'm so different than I used to be, back in high school or the first year of college. Sure, I've always appeared quiet and reserved to strangers, but to those that know me, they know that I was once a vital person, who even though was bitter, sarcastic, and angry a lot of times, was still nonetheless somewhat interesting. But now, I don't know what I am. I've always wanted to be more positive, so people will not always perceive me as a grumpy cynical bastard. On some technical level I can say that I succeeded, but on another level, it's a complete failure of a personality turn-around. Sure, I'm not cynical and angry anymore, but instead I've become almost completely passive, boring, a fucking pile of lumpy stuff that just does stuff without putting in anything engaging. Back in the days I could've at least picked a bone with my critics, but now I simply don't give a fuck anymore. I've become something like a fucking robot, just doing my daily routine, incapable of finding any goddamn meaning in relating with others, hence destroying whatever social life I have left. Of course this is a vicious cycle, and I don't know what will get me out of it.

Some of my friends tell me that I need a girlfriend, or someone to keep me company. They are probably, definitely right, but I am just too chicken to do anything about it. I oogle at hot girls but I do nothing, not even saying hello. Yup, no one to blame but myself. Example, yesterday, went to this dinner party, met this girl, she seems like a nice girl, and maybe it was just me imagining (becasue after all I am horny and have never been in a relationship), she showed some interest? Maybe. I could've used that opportunity to perhaps inject a subtle hint, or perhaps even flirt (god knows I can't do that). Hell, I even have her number, and if this were any other guy except me, they probably would've asked her out already. But yet, what do I do? I fucking sit here on my fat ass thinking about how fucking pathetic I am for having even written this entry. I mean, goddamn, I should just call her, ask her out, and see where it goes from there. But am I ever going to do that? Probably not, and then she'll forget, and we'll never speak again, or maybe we would just exchange a brief hi when we run into each other, but that would be all.

To anyone else, and even to me, this is pure bullshit, clearly I know what the problem is, and anyone else who reads this shit will also know. It is that I call her, but I won't, because I am a fucking idiot, reluctant, indecisive. I mean all of this, the whining, the hesitation, it just shows that I'm fucking emotionally not the level of adulthood where I fucking should be. I am not ready for a goddamn relationship, I can barely survive if I were in one. I mean, look at all this, this is fucking emo as it gets, but somehow, someway, I do feel just a tiny bit cathartic, because finally I can write something that means something to me and no one else, no matter how emotionally pathetic it is. This is mine, and my misery (imagined or actual) alone, and no one can fucking take that away from me.
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