Exhausted... a years worth of weight
I'm exhausted, and I cannot get any sleep. I was asleep for a bit, then I got a phone call. My soul is aching, and it is extremely taxing. Since a party out at the barn I have been starting to approach a friendship with my head and not my soul, and I am realizing how very fucked up it is. I need some warm weather badly. I need to go out, go swimming, read under the sun, look at girls in bikinis, go camping or floating down a river, date a nice girl who looks good in a swimsuit over the spring and summer months. Baseball season is coming up in April, and that was my crutch last year. It is just weird because my conscious is clear, and my soul is safe. But having the entirity of guilt on my shoulders for over the past year is just a reality check to how much of a bitch this person is. Yeah, I was nice, I took most of the blame for what happened that night, turns out just so she could feel better about herself. It does take two to tango, and since getting drunk and messing around with people isn't my M.O.(three fingers short of a full hand), but it's hers, I was just at the wrong place, at the wrong time.
At times I think it is weird that I'm not willing to share the most intimate part of my life with people, the most beautiful part of my life as well. But then someone does this sort of shit to me. Taking advantage of the fact that my soul is warm, so they can feel better about themselves. Whatever, I'll just go have a few beers and wake up with people I don't know, and who don't wish to know me. Then blame everyone but myself for MY actions.
I am done worrying about this shit, and that is good. The fact that I was too blinded by optimism to listen to my friend's words concerning this persons character is hurting though. That I went over a year taking a lion's share of the guilt, when it only should have been a meager portion. I can't compete with lies that are being told to her by her friends, and I don't even really wish to give them the credit of addressing them. My soul is aching, but I know the pain will only make the freedom that much sweeter.
It is just odd because I have nothing but warmth in my heart for this person, maybe it is pity. Maybe I know that Karma will eventually make its way back to her. I just wish nothing but the best for her and those she loves, and I fear that maybe it won't come if she is not accepting responsibility for her actions.
I have been kind of hesitant to post too many details concerning this shit, but everyone has already talked about it anyhow. These are just a few observations of mine concerning this situation, my life has been absolutely dominated by this shit for the past year. I am about due to give up on this shit, but I really don't want to lose this friend. She has opened so much inside of my soul, but I guess that is why this hurts so bad.
At times I think it is weird that I'm not willing to share the most intimate part of my life with people, the most beautiful part of my life as well. But then someone does this sort of shit to me. Taking advantage of the fact that my soul is warm, so they can feel better about themselves. Whatever, I'll just go have a few beers and wake up with people I don't know, and who don't wish to know me. Then blame everyone but myself for MY actions.
I am done worrying about this shit, and that is good. The fact that I was too blinded by optimism to listen to my friend's words concerning this persons character is hurting though. That I went over a year taking a lion's share of the guilt, when it only should have been a meager portion. I can't compete with lies that are being told to her by her friends, and I don't even really wish to give them the credit of addressing them. My soul is aching, but I know the pain will only make the freedom that much sweeter.
It is just odd because I have nothing but warmth in my heart for this person, maybe it is pity. Maybe I know that Karma will eventually make its way back to her. I just wish nothing but the best for her and those she loves, and I fear that maybe it won't come if she is not accepting responsibility for her actions.
I have been kind of hesitant to post too many details concerning this shit, but everyone has already talked about it anyhow. These are just a few observations of mine concerning this situation, my life has been absolutely dominated by this shit for the past year. I am about due to give up on this shit, but I really don't want to lose this friend. She has opened so much inside of my soul, but I guess that is why this hurts so bad.