Ambivalence
I feel like crying.. all the time.
It's like I'll burt into tears at any moment, for any non-reason. I feel so full of hatred and sadness and regret and pain, and I just want it all to go away and just leave me alone. It's so hard to see the sun when all I can feel is depression and fear, even though I know that there are many many good things in my life. I have you, and that's more than I ever dared to hope for, I love you, and I want to be with you, all the time; but my depression is holding me back. And I want you to know - I want you to know everything about me, so that I won't have to keep secrets from you anymore, so that maybe you can help me, or at least hold my hand while I try to climb out of this hole. But at the same time I'm still too afraid to tell you, fearing rejection or disappointment. But I know that I'm disappointing you right now, at this very moment, by not being the person you thought I'd be: by not being the person I so desperately wish I was.
But sometimes I am that person, and then I'm happy, and everything is light. But other times, more often, I'm frozen in this state of negative feelings, and even though I know that I should be happy, I can't be, because something is holding me back.
I WANT IT TO GO AWAY
please make it stop
It's like I'll burt into tears at any moment, for any non-reason. I feel so full of hatred and sadness and regret and pain, and I just want it all to go away and just leave me alone. It's so hard to see the sun when all I can feel is depression and fear, even though I know that there are many many good things in my life. I have you, and that's more than I ever dared to hope for, I love you, and I want to be with you, all the time; but my depression is holding me back. And I want you to know - I want you to know everything about me, so that I won't have to keep secrets from you anymore, so that maybe you can help me, or at least hold my hand while I try to climb out of this hole. But at the same time I'm still too afraid to tell you, fearing rejection or disappointment. But I know that I'm disappointing you right now, at this very moment, by not being the person you thought I'd be: by not being the person I so desperately wish I was.
But sometimes I am that person, and then I'm happy, and everything is light. But other times, more often, I'm frozen in this state of negative feelings, and even though I know that I should be happy, I can't be, because something is holding me back.
I WANT IT TO GO AWAY
please make it stop