Sunshine
I feel angry. I feel sad.
I'm angry at myself, because I started hoping, and hoping is never good, because it means that I'm believing the lies. I'm angry at myself because yesterday was supposed to be a good day and then it wasn't. First it was, but then something that shouldn't even have mattered - and it DOESN'T matter, at least it WOULDN'T if I wasn't this screwed up!!! - broke all that down and I cut myself.
And this morning I woke up feeling a little better, but then I realized he'd spent the night here and that made me angry and sad and something else that I don't have a name for. And then she had to tell me how she hated having him here too, and that made me feel better at first, and then worse, because I felt so guilty we both thought that way. And then I got angry and sad again because she thinks that way, that WE think that way: why can't we be a normal family? If we were, he'd spend every night here and I wouldn't think anything of it.
But we're not, and he doesn't, and I do, and that makes me feel angry, sad and guilty, and that results in my good days turning bad. And I don't have enough good days as it is.
Luckily I didn't see him at all today except for tonight, and that wasn't so bad because I'm used to that. Then, however, he came into the living room while I was there and started acting like, I don't know how to explain it, but like he was SUPPOSED to be here or anything, and then I got angry again, and then angrier because I thought that way.
Of course no one ever knows I'm angry, because I'm always just angry at myself, so I didn't have anything to explain. I don't know why, but every time I get angry at someone else, the focus just shifts to me and I'm not angry at THEM but at myself.
That was all yesterday... I should've written then, but my anger made me forget and I cut instead. Today I'm being wiser... though I can't promise there'll be no blood tonight.
Today started out good, and despite my fall-back in the morning, I recovered, and it was a pretty good day. I was careful all day to avoid situations that would trigger another fall-back, and I mostly succeeded, until an hour or so ago, when I went up to my room. I didn't do anything out of the ordinary: I started up iTunes and put on some music. A song I've listened to lots of times, and that had never caused any problems. But today somehow it triggered something, and I immediately felt worthless and crushed, because I realized that I'd been feeling better with really no reason, and that I shouldn't feel this good, because feeling good is a lie. For me, at least, it is.
Because really, what is the best I can hope for in my life? Not happiness, because happiness would involve being complete in everything, and everything includes being loved, either by others or myself, and that's just never going to happen for me. So then what? The best I can hope for is knowledge. But then, can anyone ever be content with their lives - I say content, not happy - if all they have is knowledge? Can you be content when you're not happy? I wonder...
And really, is there even a point to a life that doesn't lead to happiness? Isn't happiness the ultimate goal in life? So, I guess there really isn't. If there's nothing to fight for, it's not worth fighting for, and it's worthless. What's keeping me from ending all this today?
The fact that I'm not entirely selfish is keeping me. I can't hurt them like that. I mean, some of them would be happy, some relieved, some wouldn't care either way, some would be sad but move on. But I'm not sure sisters, brothers or mothers would ever move on. Rationally, they should be happy I'm not suffering anymore, but emotions aren't rational, now are they? So they probably would care. And the fact that they would be in pain is enough for me to keep bearing the pain myself, and not pass it on to them.
But some days I don't care about that... Or actually, 'care' isn't the right word. I'd care about it, if I remembered it. But some days it's just all so bad and hopeless that I forget. I forget the reasons I'm still here, and not long gone. And those are the days I come this close to ending it all... But either I can't, because I'm not alone where I am, or something breaks through to me and the urge subsides. I'm afraid what will happen when I'm ever alone while this happens... Will I be able to stop myself? I can't say for sure...
Right now, I feel a little better, after typing all this. I'm thinking it might actually be a working alternative to cutting. On the days I remember there's an alternative, that is.
And just like that another song comes on and I snap out of my mood, and I feel content. And I'm not going to read all the things I've written above, and I'm not going to think about it any more tonight, because that'll just get me angry and sad again.
When all you've gotta keep is strong, move along, move along, like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along, just to make it true
I'll be okay. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not ever, but I'll be okay.
But I do miss my best friend... I wish I could talk to her right now.