(no subject)
There was a point when my dad was living with his folks. After 3 years, he hadn't met any women worth his time and his family thought he was worthless for never being able to hold a job down. (lolz you try doing manual labor with leg clots and melanoma). Things were grim, and if we didn't lean on each other, I don't know how either of us would have been. We both needed each other. We got to talking about suicide one day. I told him I honestly know he's seriously considered it, so bullshitting about that was beside the point. I just asked him straight up why he hasn't.
His answer was because he wanted to see gods plan for him through- That he trusted it.
I was thinking about this today a lot. I was wondering if maybe this fail safe was rooted in self preservation. Maybe his belief in god was because if he didn't, he might kill himself, or do some other things out of character. Like faith in a higher power was a glue that held him together into the man he wanted to be.
Thinking further, I feel like that's our ultimate difference. When I grew up I had first hand experience with my dads mistakes, so I've always chose the opposite path in what I saw as his faults.
He cheated, multiple times. --- I have never cheated. I am honest to a fucking fault. I would rather hurt someone I love with honesty then lead them on. And I would never be able to live with myself if I cheated.
He would routinely leave town, or try and follow "gods plan" in some sort of calling that had him crossing the country --- This just isn't an option to do to a lover of mine or a child. I wouldn't uproot them lest it also be their own personal desire.
He was terrible with money --- Well shit, like father like son on that one lol. It just fucking disappears with me haha
I could go on, but in the end, I wanted to believe he was dancing a jig on some other spiritual plain but I refused to have faith. To believe in something with no evidence. And so he said he would let me know somehow... I said it better be fucking obvious and we laughed.
What point am I getting at? I'll just be perfectly honest.
I feel trapped in life. Helpless even. OMG cliche, right?
I've let the waters settle and taken a good hard look at life and concluded, for me, that it just seems to bring me down on a regular basis. Like a heartbeat on a cardiac monitor, but all the peaks are barely above that center line. What's crazier? Peacefully giving up on existing, or living every damn day from one to the next relentlessly trying and failing to be happy? Throwing half my life away at a company that couldn't care less about me. Not trusting anybody... The ignorance and corruption I see in people slowly whittles my hope down. In my life, from my vantage, pessimism seems to be realism. I'm not even depressed anymore, I'm just tired. I feel like I'm at the point my dad was when he was fifty, I just didn't have wives and children to delay it.
So here's the cold hard truth.
Logically, I'm young. Offing myself is foolish considering I have so many years of possible "stuff" to make the journey worth while.
But honestly, every day is another step in the other direction. In being afraid at what I might become after years of feeling this way about life. That life is only confirming my disinterest in it. Dad was the only one who'd be able to sit down beside me after saying all this, and find a way to talk me into optimism while also respecting my own stance on spirituality.
So I'm forced to dwell on these things internally.
Insomnia commences. I'm only tired when I can't afford to be. I took my last 3 sleeping pills Sunday night/monday morning at 8am or so with hopes that so long as I took a half day at work monday i could still get some sleep.
It didn't work out so great. And here I am at 5:22 am, plopping a fb note into my LJ and adding a few words with no sleepiness inside me whatsoever.
His answer was because he wanted to see gods plan for him through- That he trusted it.
I was thinking about this today a lot. I was wondering if maybe this fail safe was rooted in self preservation. Maybe his belief in god was because if he didn't, he might kill himself, or do some other things out of character. Like faith in a higher power was a glue that held him together into the man he wanted to be.
Thinking further, I feel like that's our ultimate difference. When I grew up I had first hand experience with my dads mistakes, so I've always chose the opposite path in what I saw as his faults.
He cheated, multiple times. --- I have never cheated. I am honest to a fucking fault. I would rather hurt someone I love with honesty then lead them on. And I would never be able to live with myself if I cheated.
He would routinely leave town, or try and follow "gods plan" in some sort of calling that had him crossing the country --- This just isn't an option to do to a lover of mine or a child. I wouldn't uproot them lest it also be their own personal desire.
He was terrible with money --- Well shit, like father like son on that one lol. It just fucking disappears with me haha
I could go on, but in the end, I wanted to believe he was dancing a jig on some other spiritual plain but I refused to have faith. To believe in something with no evidence. And so he said he would let me know somehow... I said it better be fucking obvious and we laughed.
What point am I getting at? I'll just be perfectly honest.
I feel trapped in life. Helpless even. OMG cliche, right?
I've let the waters settle and taken a good hard look at life and concluded, for me, that it just seems to bring me down on a regular basis. Like a heartbeat on a cardiac monitor, but all the peaks are barely above that center line. What's crazier? Peacefully giving up on existing, or living every damn day from one to the next relentlessly trying and failing to be happy? Throwing half my life away at a company that couldn't care less about me. Not trusting anybody... The ignorance and corruption I see in people slowly whittles my hope down. In my life, from my vantage, pessimism seems to be realism. I'm not even depressed anymore, I'm just tired. I feel like I'm at the point my dad was when he was fifty, I just didn't have wives and children to delay it.
So here's the cold hard truth.
Logically, I'm young. Offing myself is foolish considering I have so many years of possible "stuff" to make the journey worth while.
But honestly, every day is another step in the other direction. In being afraid at what I might become after years of feeling this way about life. That life is only confirming my disinterest in it. Dad was the only one who'd be able to sit down beside me after saying all this, and find a way to talk me into optimism while also respecting my own stance on spirituality.
So I'm forced to dwell on these things internally.
Insomnia commences. I'm only tired when I can't afford to be. I took my last 3 sleeping pills Sunday night/monday morning at 8am or so with hopes that so long as I took a half day at work monday i could still get some sleep.
It didn't work out so great. And here I am at 5:22 am, plopping a fb note into my LJ and adding a few words with no sleepiness inside me whatsoever.