Day After Day
Another unread blog/rant from a dude on your friends list who writes things about himself and is curious in doing so, about how you feel about it because the format of blogging and social networking is a playground in which the slides are replaced by connectivity- WEE!!!.
"I just felt these things, look at me!"
Fuck that noise.
I'm approaching mid-30's in a world that never existed in any other era, and trying to compare it to dead adults from an era that makes no sense to mine. All that matters is connectivity and socializing. It's important not to squander your finite days as a conscious being by alienating those you could harbor quality relationships with.
Yet,
Day after day.
---
My 5 year old autistic son asked for time with me a few times today. I had to mow the yard, and other such tasks that are extensive in detail. I was polite, and he understood.
Just before his nighttime story during the nighttime process, he described to his mother that he felt "empty".
I am failing Odin.
---
Sagan's blue eyes beam at me in smiles and quandaries. Darting my eyes around in their sockets then startling him will bring a smile sometimes; other times, not so much. I try and fill his day with as much love and fulfillment as I can muster but eventually that river starts to run dry- At the current moment, either your autistic brother is panging into my field of attention or I am caring for his healing mother, or the house in general. All hardships crash on my shore in some unique way needing my service, but the bulb flickers. In this pathetic analogy, 'Patrick' could use a bit of support from mom, dad, or any of the 4 grandparents. But they are all dead; Maybe a brother or two, dead or mute- but no. It's just me here.
I wanna throw my desk through the window and scream at the sky at night when they sleep and I pitter-patter on this keyboard.
---
I hope I can find the right path through this to avoid the damage that would incur otherwise; I love them so much, I want my children to seize life, not just be selfish miscreants. And I want my woman to feel boundless love, not just passing passion.
"I just felt these things, look at me!"
Fuck that noise.
I'm approaching mid-30's in a world that never existed in any other era, and trying to compare it to dead adults from an era that makes no sense to mine. All that matters is connectivity and socializing. It's important not to squander your finite days as a conscious being by alienating those you could harbor quality relationships with.
Yet,
Day after day.
---
My 5 year old autistic son asked for time with me a few times today. I had to mow the yard, and other such tasks that are extensive in detail. I was polite, and he understood.
Just before his nighttime story during the nighttime process, he described to his mother that he felt "empty".
I am failing Odin.
---
Sagan's blue eyes beam at me in smiles and quandaries. Darting my eyes around in their sockets then startling him will bring a smile sometimes; other times, not so much. I try and fill his day with as much love and fulfillment as I can muster but eventually that river starts to run dry- At the current moment, either your autistic brother is panging into my field of attention or I am caring for his healing mother, or the house in general. All hardships crash on my shore in some unique way needing my service, but the bulb flickers. In this pathetic analogy, 'Patrick' could use a bit of support from mom, dad, or any of the 4 grandparents. But they are all dead; Maybe a brother or two, dead or mute- but no. It's just me here.
I wanna throw my desk through the window and scream at the sky at night when they sleep and I pitter-patter on this keyboard.
---
I hope I can find the right path through this to avoid the damage that would incur otherwise; I love them so much, I want my children to seize life, not just be selfish miscreants. And I want my woman to feel boundless love, not just passing passion.