Words lost in the darkness
Losing both my parents and all of my Grandparents and not really having any notable connection with the remainder of my family has left me feeling encumbered with a special kind of loneliness. I feel cut off from pieces of myself I can never get back or fully understand.
I hate being melodramatic. Trying to only justify what happens in the lucid consciousness is a battle I am sure to lose. Not because of lack of resolve of spirit to endure, though, but because the pain that brings me down so harshly when I'm lucid isn't ever fully explained until I let go and emote. Bumbling about with little resolve, I am stumbling from one bear trap to another. Catch-22's undermine my physical and emotional integrity leading to a psychological paralysis that inevitably leads to an occasional breakdown... All hidden and endured alone at night so the burden doesn't reverberate elsewhere.
My world is small and much too large all at once. I'm not giving my son the childhood I feel he rightly deserves and I'm not bonding with my partner in ways needed for my well being because it has been made impossible by context, timing, schedules, lack of family support, etc.
There's this faint ember cooling into a dim glow somewhere in me. I can't fan it and build a fire like I used to in the past. I don't know if I want it to burn again. I'm too broken to see past the next few steps.
I feel I will find a way though. The closest thing I harbor within to the idea of "faith" tells me I will find a way.
I hate being melodramatic. Trying to only justify what happens in the lucid consciousness is a battle I am sure to lose. Not because of lack of resolve of spirit to endure, though, but because the pain that brings me down so harshly when I'm lucid isn't ever fully explained until I let go and emote. Bumbling about with little resolve, I am stumbling from one bear trap to another. Catch-22's undermine my physical and emotional integrity leading to a psychological paralysis that inevitably leads to an occasional breakdown... All hidden and endured alone at night so the burden doesn't reverberate elsewhere.
My world is small and much too large all at once. I'm not giving my son the childhood I feel he rightly deserves and I'm not bonding with my partner in ways needed for my well being because it has been made impossible by context, timing, schedules, lack of family support, etc.
There's this faint ember cooling into a dim glow somewhere in me. I can't fan it and build a fire like I used to in the past. I don't know if I want it to burn again. I'm too broken to see past the next few steps.
I feel I will find a way though. The closest thing I harbor within to the idea of "faith" tells me I will find a way.