Living against the grain of life.
An extraordinary succession of events have contradicted one another today, and they have all combined in throwing me from one side to the next of the emotional spectrum. On the one hand, I am very frustrated, on the other hand, no doubt relieved.
I sent two Valentine's cards this year. Saladbar helped me out with one, and for the other I left an anonymous card to an Irish girl from one of my English seminars, whose accent I love, whose eyes I adore, whose general manner at once silences me and brings me out in heated discussion. I don't know where she lives on campus, not exactly anyway, so the best I could was to leave the card in the pigeon hole pertaining to her surname initial, and hope she would read it in time for yesterday.
But I couldn't rely on Chance; I'm not that patient. So I set up my own E-mail account and sent her an E-mail to tell her to check her internal mail. Anonymous, of course.
This morning I was due to have a seminar with her, and it got to about an hour before hand and I started to get really, really fucking nervous. It dawned on me that, although anonymous, I had been conscious enough to make the poem I wrote inside explicit enough to make it obvious, if she gets her wits about her, that it was from me. Then I get a text from a friend saying the seminar was cancelled because the tutor was ill. Gobsmacked. On the one hand I was devastated, because this is the only time in the week I see her. On the other hand, I felt tremendous relief at not having to pretend it was just a normal day and that I hadn't sent the card.
Then I sort of wish I had hung around so that she would turn up and I could say, "It's been cancelled, I sent the card, let's go for a drink." But I didn't. I thought of checking her pigeon hole too to see if the card had been taken (the E-mail I has apparently been read, but with no reply; perhaps she's freaked out, haha!).
On the way out of the building, I actually saw her, and passed her in touching distance. Not sure if she saw me, because she was talking to somebody else. I was two testicles shy of speaking to her.
Now, of all the fucking times to be a bastard, Chance has it that my Hotmail account, MSN Messenger AND Facebook are all down due to busy servers and site maintenance respectively. Damn!
I still might go and check her pigeon hole, you know...
On a slighly related note, I wonder who in the world might spy on me. Who looks at my online profiles on MySpace, on Facebook, without saying anything? Who, and why? What is their reason? Do I, I wonder in genuine curiosity, have a secret admirer?
I fucking want one, if not. :)
I sent two Valentine's cards this year. Saladbar helped me out with one, and for the other I left an anonymous card to an Irish girl from one of my English seminars, whose accent I love, whose eyes I adore, whose general manner at once silences me and brings me out in heated discussion. I don't know where she lives on campus, not exactly anyway, so the best I could was to leave the card in the pigeon hole pertaining to her surname initial, and hope she would read it in time for yesterday.
But I couldn't rely on Chance; I'm not that patient. So I set up my own E-mail account and sent her an E-mail to tell her to check her internal mail. Anonymous, of course.
This morning I was due to have a seminar with her, and it got to about an hour before hand and I started to get really, really fucking nervous. It dawned on me that, although anonymous, I had been conscious enough to make the poem I wrote inside explicit enough to make it obvious, if she gets her wits about her, that it was from me. Then I get a text from a friend saying the seminar was cancelled because the tutor was ill. Gobsmacked. On the one hand I was devastated, because this is the only time in the week I see her. On the other hand, I felt tremendous relief at not having to pretend it was just a normal day and that I hadn't sent the card.
Then I sort of wish I had hung around so that she would turn up and I could say, "It's been cancelled, I sent the card, let's go for a drink." But I didn't. I thought of checking her pigeon hole too to see if the card had been taken (the E-mail I has apparently been read, but with no reply; perhaps she's freaked out, haha!).
On the way out of the building, I actually saw her, and passed her in touching distance. Not sure if she saw me, because she was talking to somebody else. I was two testicles shy of speaking to her.
Now, of all the fucking times to be a bastard, Chance has it that my Hotmail account, MSN Messenger AND Facebook are all down due to busy servers and site maintenance respectively. Damn!
I still might go and check her pigeon hole, you know...
On a slighly related note, I wonder who in the world might spy on me. Who looks at my online profiles on MySpace, on Facebook, without saying anything? Who, and why? What is their reason? Do I, I wonder in genuine curiosity, have a secret admirer?
I fucking want one, if not. :)