do i dare chose to share again?
so i am just kinda hanging around in my apartment waiting for my clothes to be done in the dryer. i had a bit of a meltdown for no reason with my mom. she went to get something to eat and i asked her to please pick me up some fries. she came back and i went into the fridge to get some ketchup.
NOTE: tuesdays and thursday im gone from 10 AM to 6 PM all day at school. and i work 9-6 monday and wednesday. so i get home tired and not feelin like lovin life.
back to the fridge.....i pull out the bottle of ketchup and theres nothing left in it. and i was so pissed. so angry that i realized we dont have anything but eggs, yogurt, soy sauce, and cream cheese in our fridge. and we dont have ketchup. so i grabbed a trash bag and i threw every piece of edible food that i figured we wouldnt eat. random things in the fridge, all the old bags of sun chips that she had, everything in the freezer, donuts she bought, milanos cookies i got for christmas that i wont eat, bags of cookie mix, nuts, old licorice. not even real food. but i threw it all away. LOUD. ANGRY. and i threw the garbage bags by the door. by the one thats been there for 4 days because she wont take it out even though it smells. now we have no food :)
im gone ALLLL day long and she wont just take the trash out or go buy ketchup at the store. i dont get what this is supposed to mean in the grander scheme of things. shes only going to get worse as she gets older. god forbid she has another stroke, then its over.
but im trying hard not to be one of those bitter adults. who never closed the chapter on the sad stories of their youth. who keep telling them over and over and over again to everyone they meet. pretty soon, those stories are all they know and they cant move forward, make anything of the REST of their lives.
no. ill write this chapter. but then i want to start a new one. the sad thing is ive been FAR from a perfect daughter. i could have done WAY better. i could have made every meal for her and been supportive teaching her to be clean and motivated again. i could have done a million things, but i didnt. i chose not to.
i knew what my potential was and i turned my back on it basically.
ironically, THATS what makes me bitter. i could have done better. and i didnt.
itll take me a while to feel really good about myself and what i can offer another human being after my mom. itll be a while before i DONT feel like i have a black eart. before i believe that i am compassionate. that i am a good person who loves her mother and does the right thing.
itll take some time. but ill finish writing that chapter, itll just take some time.
NOTE: tuesdays and thursday im gone from 10 AM to 6 PM all day at school. and i work 9-6 monday and wednesday. so i get home tired and not feelin like lovin life.
back to the fridge.....i pull out the bottle of ketchup and theres nothing left in it. and i was so pissed. so angry that i realized we dont have anything but eggs, yogurt, soy sauce, and cream cheese in our fridge. and we dont have ketchup. so i grabbed a trash bag and i threw every piece of edible food that i figured we wouldnt eat. random things in the fridge, all the old bags of sun chips that she had, everything in the freezer, donuts she bought, milanos cookies i got for christmas that i wont eat, bags of cookie mix, nuts, old licorice. not even real food. but i threw it all away. LOUD. ANGRY. and i threw the garbage bags by the door. by the one thats been there for 4 days because she wont take it out even though it smells. now we have no food :)
im gone ALLLL day long and she wont just take the trash out or go buy ketchup at the store. i dont get what this is supposed to mean in the grander scheme of things. shes only going to get worse as she gets older. god forbid she has another stroke, then its over.
but im trying hard not to be one of those bitter adults. who never closed the chapter on the sad stories of their youth. who keep telling them over and over and over again to everyone they meet. pretty soon, those stories are all they know and they cant move forward, make anything of the REST of their lives.
no. ill write this chapter. but then i want to start a new one. the sad thing is ive been FAR from a perfect daughter. i could have done WAY better. i could have made every meal for her and been supportive teaching her to be clean and motivated again. i could have done a million things, but i didnt. i chose not to.
i knew what my potential was and i turned my back on it basically.
ironically, THATS what makes me bitter. i could have done better. and i didnt.
itll take me a while to feel really good about myself and what i can offer another human being after my mom. itll be a while before i DONT feel like i have a black eart. before i believe that i am compassionate. that i am a good person who loves her mother and does the right thing.
itll take some time. but ill finish writing that chapter, itll just take some time.