(no subject)
ah i had a feeling today that felt so goood. and i didnt even have to say it outloud, it was that reassuring.
i finally caved in and confided in my sister that i needed her help. she knows what its like to be so frayed at the edges and tearing at the seams. I just wanted to get the things under control that i could, but i needed a little extra help. Even something as simple as getting my room finished made me feel so much more accomplished than i have felt in a long time. not to mention talking to my stepmom about my car and her suddenly diving in and offering me a lot of help i didnt even know i needed. It was really surprising to feel so good about hearing someone say, "I dont want you driving it right now just in case something happens, so take seans car and ill take it in tomorrow morning." And shes going to get me some money back that i spent unnecessarily apparently, double good stuff today.
But after dealing with my car, and watching a friend make the effort and the plans to buy a new one, i want to do the same. and i can afford it. with all the money that i have been saving on rent since my dad is helping my sister and i out so much, what else am i going to do with my income? I can save as much as i can and then after the summer, ill start looking before school starts. i do want to get a new car so i dont have to deal with any issues that come with, lets say, my old buick. that way, i only have to maintain it and the up-keep isnt as hard as you think. make monthly payments, make a huge downpayment and its all mine. something that i can look at and remember what its like to get your shit together and get it done. itll keep me going. what kind of a car should i get?!?!?! its so on.
in addition, school is school. at least i know what i do and dont like after my freshman year. i know what kind of a schedule i want to have, when i want to start going to classes, and how to work around my work schedule. so lets get that taken care of and done, out of the way, ready for sophomore year. and i know what kind of classes to take. at least tonight i feel like i do. things i can do, things that i do find interesting, maybe not things that are really going to get me somewhere but itll be liveable. and enjoyable. so, its so on.
lastly....
i am not looking to fall in love.
maybe when i was 16 and i thought the idea of it sounded really cool. sounded really fun. only because its so passionate and outside of yourself. so unknown. and accepting, so secure. thats what it sounds like. not that im saying that isnt what it is. but as i get older, i realize you cant stretch and stretch for what sounds like a good idea while missing whats going on right in front of you. it will happen, when you dont want it to, and maybe even when you do. but im not looking for it right now. there are a lot of things that i can do in the meantime and thats ok. you meet people, you always meet people. whether you like it or not.
im just really grateful for the relationships that i have so far. that i can make those even stronger. that i can get even closer to people and they can make the days seem so rich and full of fun. relationships are great, dont get me wrong. but sometimes, if you dont have your shit together, how the hell is anyone else supposed to get a grip on it as well.
im looking, to be a powerhouse. and in the process of figuring that out, people will notice. you dont disapear by making yourself more clear and defined, it only brings in more attention. so try that for a change if other things arent working. because i dont want anymore of those "i just dont knows". i do want someone to know, and i want to know too. and if they dont, then its not going to happen. it has to be a committment. it has to be a jump and a dive that both parties are capable of making. so, like before, its so on.
I am me. and there is nothing that i will know better or do better than that. i want to be that before anything else gets thrown my way. other things will change, come and go, but ill always be left standing there. so i might as well be in comfortable shoes and feeling pretty confident with my hand on my hips and my head held high.
its so on.
i finally caved in and confided in my sister that i needed her help. she knows what its like to be so frayed at the edges and tearing at the seams. I just wanted to get the things under control that i could, but i needed a little extra help. Even something as simple as getting my room finished made me feel so much more accomplished than i have felt in a long time. not to mention talking to my stepmom about my car and her suddenly diving in and offering me a lot of help i didnt even know i needed. It was really surprising to feel so good about hearing someone say, "I dont want you driving it right now just in case something happens, so take seans car and ill take it in tomorrow morning." And shes going to get me some money back that i spent unnecessarily apparently, double good stuff today.
But after dealing with my car, and watching a friend make the effort and the plans to buy a new one, i want to do the same. and i can afford it. with all the money that i have been saving on rent since my dad is helping my sister and i out so much, what else am i going to do with my income? I can save as much as i can and then after the summer, ill start looking before school starts. i do want to get a new car so i dont have to deal with any issues that come with, lets say, my old buick. that way, i only have to maintain it and the up-keep isnt as hard as you think. make monthly payments, make a huge downpayment and its all mine. something that i can look at and remember what its like to get your shit together and get it done. itll keep me going. what kind of a car should i get?!?!?! its so on.
in addition, school is school. at least i know what i do and dont like after my freshman year. i know what kind of a schedule i want to have, when i want to start going to classes, and how to work around my work schedule. so lets get that taken care of and done, out of the way, ready for sophomore year. and i know what kind of classes to take. at least tonight i feel like i do. things i can do, things that i do find interesting, maybe not things that are really going to get me somewhere but itll be liveable. and enjoyable. so, its so on.
lastly....
i am not looking to fall in love.
maybe when i was 16 and i thought the idea of it sounded really cool. sounded really fun. only because its so passionate and outside of yourself. so unknown. and accepting, so secure. thats what it sounds like. not that im saying that isnt what it is. but as i get older, i realize you cant stretch and stretch for what sounds like a good idea while missing whats going on right in front of you. it will happen, when you dont want it to, and maybe even when you do. but im not looking for it right now. there are a lot of things that i can do in the meantime and thats ok. you meet people, you always meet people. whether you like it or not.
im just really grateful for the relationships that i have so far. that i can make those even stronger. that i can get even closer to people and they can make the days seem so rich and full of fun. relationships are great, dont get me wrong. but sometimes, if you dont have your shit together, how the hell is anyone else supposed to get a grip on it as well.
im looking, to be a powerhouse. and in the process of figuring that out, people will notice. you dont disapear by making yourself more clear and defined, it only brings in more attention. so try that for a change if other things arent working. because i dont want anymore of those "i just dont knows". i do want someone to know, and i want to know too. and if they dont, then its not going to happen. it has to be a committment. it has to be a jump and a dive that both parties are capable of making. so, like before, its so on.
I am me. and there is nothing that i will know better or do better than that. i want to be that before anything else gets thrown my way. other things will change, come and go, but ill always be left standing there. so i might as well be in comfortable shoes and feeling pretty confident with my hand on my hips and my head held high.
its so on.