I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Okay this one will be alot of fun children. Will it hurt?, you ask. Well, answers I, only if god hates you. Haha, just kidding. So, I graduated. Don't look any different, don't feel any different, don't smell any different...gee it's kinda just like going out with a fizzle and not a bang. The ceremony was a hellish experience. I've never been so bored in my entire life. But we'll get to that in a minute. First I have to use every last bit of affection I have to thank everybody for a memorable senior year. So here we go, every bit of affection (brace yourselves, it's been a memorable year):
Teachers:
Mr. Mannoja: Damn, did I ever have a crush on you! Even still past all the starring and thinking dirty bad girl wammer-jammer thoughts, I adored your class and loved every lesson I ever gleaned from it.
Mr. Lawler: What can I say? I am your secret love child! Seriously we've got to be related somehow. Oh yeah merry X-mas reindeer!
Mrs. Eich: Sorry, I lied to you about the rabbit and you never found out. Oh, also sorry about using all those cliff notes and you never found out.
Mrs. Crazy-Anatomy-teacher-whose-name-I-can't-spell: Wow, thanks alot for one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life. Cat dissection? Fuckin' A.
Mrs. Racich: What can be said? You inspire me to do so much. A big chunk of the person I am is you or at least thanks to you. Ah, well you know that whole 3 page letter I wrote about you being an inspiration and all.
Fellow Students:
Zoe: Sometimes I look at us and our friendship and I could cry, we're so different! I wonder golly gee why are we even friends?! And then something silly happens like we see a robin with one leg and we both laugh at the same time, and I remember why we're friends. No matter what we do or where we go, we always have fun together.
Angela: "There isn't room in the trunk retard!"...You tolerate me! You really do! The first time we met I throughly ignored you and well fuck I'm sorry about that but I didn't know you would grow into one of my dearest friends so I didn't take any goddamn notes. You're a true friend, and I'm lucky to have yah...now if only you'd tell me what's in that goddamn trunk of yours...
Susan: My Susan! Take care of our love child! Also cut your hair. Seriously. And also I was totally serious about having oral sex with Gene Simmons in a gas station bathroom. It's not gross it's sexy.
Courtney: Keep talking to people in cars! Especially me if I ever pull up next to you at a red.
Johnny: Johnny boy! Sweestest guy in the world. Don't stop believin'!
Big Mike: You annoy me but I love you. What kind of relationship is this? Can't be healthy...
Big John: Missouri may love company, but I'm sure gonna miss you!
Bobby: Nobody talks to this guy...I talk to this guy. I give him Snickers. The day he snaps and blows away half the town he'll pause on me and whisper "Thanks for the candy..."
Tristan: Wash your hair, change your clothes, and learn to speak without stuttering. Oh and while you're at it get yourself some personality.
Val: What can I say? You're all gold! Everything you say and do it's gold, like your heart. Damn, why don't you share it a little more?!
Josh: My buddy, my friend, my mental institution pal. I don't think I've ever met someone quite as fearless as you. In a way you terrify me a little bit, like a really tall roller coaster does. It's the good kind of afraid.
Katrina: You made a mistake. So what? Don't we all? I look at you and I don't see a failure. I look at you and I know you'll do good. You're unflinching and it's amazing. And you share cigarettes with me.
Carlin: Sweet little good girl! Abba fan! I woke up this morning just wondering how on earth I could improve your day!
Chris: STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME PSYCHOPATH! Also, COVER YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH WHEN YOU SNEEZE!
Fuckin' Sarah: For the love of all things that you consider holy in your narrow-minded right-wing world, put down your goddamn bible.
Jessica and Mary Beth: Go White Sox!
Eric: You could've gotten up and got me a new soda, that's all I'm saying.
Wolvertin: I love your mustache, I love your cowboy boots, I love you!
Blondie: Change everything about you and then people will like you.
VG: I'm not even half as nice a person as you think I am. And you're a fuckin' honor student, you should pick up on this.
Casey: Yes, Aldi is just for poor people.
....I know I'm forgetting people....did I say "affection" I think I meant "honesty"...
Texas Folks:
Lindsay: When I think of the word "friend" I think of you. I could sit here and type up a novel of all my fondest memories of our childhood friendship (remember, pumpkin-ramen, furbies, kumquats, BAM, Jem and the Holograms, "UNICORN!!!", and more?). We don't talk much anymore but when we do I feel like we pick up right where we left off. Being best friends.
Ed: All the other high-school girls need fancy clothes, hair extentsions, cell phones, new things they burn through faster than me and a cigarette. I only ever needed one Ed. My Johnny Cash at the baggage claim. I could name all fifty states and forty-eight get in the way of me being next to you. Also what was up with that contortionist guy at Navy Pier?
Mrs. Meyer: Oooh Lindsay's Ma! My second mother! You always made me feel like just another member of the Meyer family. I really miss that sometimes.
Courtney, Laura, and Alyssa: Oh my old gal-pals. I doubt ya'll ever think of me much anymore. But I still think of you. I remember our kidnap breakfast to the golden arches. And the million times we saw Lilo and Stitch over that one summer. Bizzare the things that stick with us.
Wonser: I'm sorry I hit you. The next time I see you I'll give you that kiss on the cheek.
Ben: What did you ever grow up into? I sure wish I knew.
Mickey: We used to talk. What happened? Don't you love me anymore?
Family:
Ma: My mother. They say the daughter becomes the mother. In many of my friends' cases that probably terrifies them. In my case I think to myself "Wow, I'm gonna be that cool and strong when I grow up?" . Every emotion I feel towards you stems from the deepest feeling of respect that I have for you and your chracter and the things you do.
Glenn: Calzone! I'm gonna miss you like no other when I'm in college. Whose gonna hang out with me and watch baseball (more importantly whose gonna explain the stats and technicalities of it to me)? It's funny, I watch the home movies of us as kids and we're still just the same. Maybe we'll still be just the same when I only see you on Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Kaitlynn: Yeeeaaaah, we don't always get along but you know I love you little sister. Oh but when I leave for college stay out of my closest seriusly, I hate it when you borrow my clothes. You can borrow my movies and CDs and stuff but seriously don't borrow my clothes.
Dylan: Love yah baby! How do you be so ka-chunky? I'm so excited thinking of the person you're going to grow up to be!
Dad: Sad truth: I will not see you much any more. Sad truth: It's sort of your fault. But everytime you call you say you appreciate it and then cut me short. What's up with that? We're getting along better bit by bit though.
Kenny: You may drive me nuts but I know you'll always support me because for some reason you got it in your head that I'm "the golden child". Whatever. Leave Glenn alone about his handwashing.
Uncle Bob: Nazi Gold! I love you Uncle Bob! We should hang out together more!
Auntie Sue: I feel towards you what I feel towards my Ma, respect and lots of it. You earn it.
The 2005-2006 Chicago White Sox:
Paul Konerko: Paulie! P.K.! My one true hero! The series was amazing! Oh and that Grand Slam! Beautiful! You're my favorite!
A.J. Pierzynski: Hey remember when the Cub's Barret punched you in your grille? Remember that brawl it led to? Too funny.
Jermaine Dye: World Series MVP. You're a dream!
Scott Posednik: I love the way you wear your Sox Pods!
Jim Thome: Sock it Thome! My favorite new addition to the team!
Bobby Jenks: You don't look like a ball player but you sur do pitch like one.
Tadahito Iguichi: I look at you and smile. That's all I can do.
Ozzie Guillen: Whose our favorite Skipper? You are! Try not to get kicked out of the park, okay? Be a good boy!
The rest of the team: I LOVE you all (excluding Boone Logan). Keep up the good work!
Misc:
Dave: Mr. Nice Guy. You'll always have a friend and an ally in me. Also you really need to get that Super Man tattooo. Seriously.
Amy: You were my DUFF (Designated, Ugly, Fat Friend). Just remember as unpleasant as that sounds it ends with Friend.
Josh and Bryan: Bill and Ted. That's all I can think of.
Matt: Why oh why didn't I go to homecoming with you? It probably would have been fun.
Chris (the good one): Thanks for Bazooka Joe. Sorry I never saw you again.
Scottie: I love you and only every hope the best for you. Remember out pact! If you strike it rich I strike it rich and vise-a-versa. Also remember, the spicy one is the cat's meow.
LSK: Seriously we should visit this summer.
Micheal Godard: The most amazing man in the world. I soaked in everything you said to me like a sponge and now I'm attempting to ring all of that out onto my canvases. Maybe someday my work will hang next to yours.
Gin, Alice, HulaRabbit, Winkie the Dog, Wale the Whale, and every other demented creation I've ever invented: Hey thanks for coming out and playing along. It's been a blast. You can leave now and beat the traffic or you can stay here with me and keep partying. I think I know what you'll choose. After all this is a "we-ain't-leaving-til-we're-heaving" party.
Halle Berry: Thanks for fuckin' ruining X3 bitch! You can go rot in X-men hell AKA the basement of Graham Cracker Comics. Bitch.
Yeah that was long. But there it is. I'm sure I've forgotten a few people and I'll go back and add them in. In the meantime soak all that in. I love you all, truly. You're what makes life so great! Never a dull moment. All together now: This is your life and it's ticking by minute by minute.
Now about that graduation ceremony. Zoe and Angela were in the row infront of me. Angela was nearly exactly kitty-corner to me. Zoe was further down the row. Val was about once seat to the right of me. I was at a prime location. When we marched down the field and took our seats I knocked Angela's hat off. She sqwauked angerly at me but I was already in my seat (of course she got revenge after we recieved out diplomas and I was walking back she cracked me remarkably hard in the head with her diploma). The speaches were godawful. We had a reverend speak and all I gleand from his speach was (and this is an exact quote. The others will back me up on this),
"Be in charge of your butter."
He then ended the speach with "God Bless you all" and I was tempted to scream out "SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE!! GOD BLESS EVERY ONE BUT ME!" But I didn't. It was considered though. Anyway next to speak was the president of the board of education. And I swear to you he was either suffering a stroke or had speant all morning drinking. Once again I am not exagerating all of the class of 2006 will back me up on this. Here are some quotes from his speach,
"If you see a turtle on a fence post, you know...you know how he got there" (At this point me and Angela exhanged looks and she made the drinky-drinky motion with her hands)
"Coming into this school these children did not even know their idendididty..." (Yeah he added like a million extra syllables to the word "identity").
And finally my personal favorite,
"As they leave the doors of....the doors of...this...school"
Yeah that's right. He forgot the name of the school. I had to bite my hand to keep from laughing out loud. The rest of the speaches were given by students one was a blatant rip-off of a passage from George Carlin's "When will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?" The other well...let's just say Joel's IQ was definetly showing and it wasn't sexy. So yeah, that was graudation.
Then we took our group hat-throwing picture. It was so very Mary-Tyler-Moore-We're-Gonna-Make-It-After-All. And for as crappy as it was I love it. It's all just one big funny story and oddly enough it totally fits the class of 06. So yeah, we're the furture and all that crap.
I know how the turtle got there,
MFB