relapse
i thought today i was doing better than i was, but that doesn't seem to be the case right now. i'm so friggin frustrated. i was hoping my thoughts changed as well but no, not at all. i can't sit back anymore and watch this. i can't sit here every night and pretend. i can't listen to "what's wrong with me" from someone else when all i think is "your perfect." in turn, i'm left here wondering what is so wrong with me. is it more than the fact i'm not 4 years older and a "close friend?" i almost want a reason not to think so highly of him but i know that won't happen. at least he's not eyeing my best friends now. i'm assuming it's a lot easier to see him date a stranger than a friend. at least every guy in my past has done something comepletly terrible to where i couldn't even look at him. i can't even eye other guys because none of them compare to him. what am i to do? he knows that i like him. i can't push anything more than that. maybe put distance between myself and him. he probably wouldn't notice anyway. i'm sitting here right now while he sits and chats with the other two. it's always like that. i'm supposedly not treated different yet i always feel like i am. i'm only assuming it's because of ceartain things. i just wish i can change something, anything. i'm tired of feeling like this. bleh, i just don't know anymore.