In which Maddy gets all serious on your asses,
WARNING! Serious ranting ahead!
Now not to do be a downer, this is just what I'm thinkin about.
I just finished the first part of my exercise plan, and am waiting for my mom to wake up to go running. Now, while doing this, I started thinking about why the fuck I even bother.
Weight has always been an issue with me, partly because my father's family all have weight issues, partly because I went to private schools (St. Jude and then Baylor), and partly because I'm white (I know we all like to deny it and say there's nothing different between white and black, but it is so true that white girls are expected to be skinnier than black and latina girls are. Not to say that all black and latina girls are big, it's just culturally excepted for them to actually have hips. Where white girls have it pounded into their heads that you must be able to count your ribs to be seen as pretty.).
I have for the past three years, starting with my time at Baylor, exercised at least three times a week, sometimes more. I ran every other day, did sit-ups, crunches, leg lifts, rode on the bike, plus stayed on a diet. Now, at first, this made me healthy of course, but it got to the point where I began feeling guilty if I ate M&M's that day so I would go run two miles to "work it off". I started skipping meals at school, which, being in the plays, meant I sometimes skipped all three meals. Still, I never was skinny enough.
The psychology at private schools is totally different than at public schools. At Baylor, We had maybe four or five over-weight girls in my grade, and even then only one girl who you could just look at and say she was fat. Here at CCA, there are plenty of girls who are gorgeous, but at Baylor would be considered "chunky".
While thinking about this, I just got mad. How long did I go, thinking that my weight would hold me back in the world? The answer was "You're still doing it" And I am. I still look in the mirror and say/think "God I'm fat" or "I should loose another 10 pounds or so". Why though? WHY???? The answer is simple- there is no reason. I am not fat, curvy yes, but not fat. I'm in the fifty-fifth percentile for weight, I exercise, eat healthy. In fact the only thing I really need to work on is my little pouch, which almost everyone in the world has. I have let myself go for so long worrying about how I look. I eat pizza at school, only to be on the bus thinking " Ooh, I had pizza today. I better go on the bike for 1/2 an hour today, instead just twelve like normal."
I'm not skipping meals anymore. This past June I got down to 100 pounds. How many people hear that weight though and think "well that's not THAT skinny"? Too many. I should've gotten a good job, or spent the summer at the beach or pool. Instead, I spent it trying to gain back twenty pounds to be healthy for my new school. I didn't want to go to CCA and be considered a freak (which, after some serious sit downs with the 'rents and my doctor, I realize that's what my weight was- freaky.
So sorry about the soapbox, I just wanted ya'll to know how I feel about people telling others (not just girls) their fat, or saying they, themselves, are fat. Cause, you guys, sometimes we all just need to settle down, watch tv and munch on some cookies.
Thanks for listening, or you know, reading. whatever. Love ya.
Mads
Now not to do be a downer, this is just what I'm thinkin about.
I just finished the first part of my exercise plan, and am waiting for my mom to wake up to go running. Now, while doing this, I started thinking about why the fuck I even bother.
Weight has always been an issue with me, partly because my father's family all have weight issues, partly because I went to private schools (St. Jude and then Baylor), and partly because I'm white (I know we all like to deny it and say there's nothing different between white and black, but it is so true that white girls are expected to be skinnier than black and latina girls are. Not to say that all black and latina girls are big, it's just culturally excepted for them to actually have hips. Where white girls have it pounded into their heads that you must be able to count your ribs to be seen as pretty.).
I have for the past three years, starting with my time at Baylor, exercised at least three times a week, sometimes more. I ran every other day, did sit-ups, crunches, leg lifts, rode on the bike, plus stayed on a diet. Now, at first, this made me healthy of course, but it got to the point where I began feeling guilty if I ate M&M's that day so I would go run two miles to "work it off". I started skipping meals at school, which, being in the plays, meant I sometimes skipped all three meals. Still, I never was skinny enough.
The psychology at private schools is totally different than at public schools. At Baylor, We had maybe four or five over-weight girls in my grade, and even then only one girl who you could just look at and say she was fat. Here at CCA, there are plenty of girls who are gorgeous, but at Baylor would be considered "chunky".
While thinking about this, I just got mad. How long did I go, thinking that my weight would hold me back in the world? The answer was "You're still doing it" And I am. I still look in the mirror and say/think "God I'm fat" or "I should loose another 10 pounds or so". Why though? WHY???? The answer is simple- there is no reason. I am not fat, curvy yes, but not fat. I'm in the fifty-fifth percentile for weight, I exercise, eat healthy. In fact the only thing I really need to work on is my little pouch, which almost everyone in the world has. I have let myself go for so long worrying about how I look. I eat pizza at school, only to be on the bus thinking " Ooh, I had pizza today. I better go on the bike for 1/2 an hour today, instead just twelve like normal."
I'm not skipping meals anymore. This past June I got down to 100 pounds. How many people hear that weight though and think "well that's not THAT skinny"? Too many. I should've gotten a good job, or spent the summer at the beach or pool. Instead, I spent it trying to gain back twenty pounds to be healthy for my new school. I didn't want to go to CCA and be considered a freak (which, after some serious sit downs with the 'rents and my doctor, I realize that's what my weight was- freaky.
So sorry about the soapbox, I just wanted ya'll to know how I feel about people telling others (not just girls) their fat, or saying they, themselves, are fat. Cause, you guys, sometimes we all just need to settle down, watch tv and munch on some cookies.
Thanks for listening, or you know, reading. whatever. Love ya.
Mads