(no subject)
AAAAAaaaggghhh!
Life is rubbish at the moment. My mother pressured me into going to the job centre today. I know why she's doing it and it's not because she wants me to have a job it's because she hates the idea of me being a writer. This has become more and more apparent recently. Every time I mention something about my writing she reacts with absolute venom and scorn. The discussions inevitably lead to her saying things along the lines of 'books are pointless' and people who write them are 'trying to confuse' or 'control' people. Then she'll make assumptions along the lines of 'are you trying to make me look stupid'. Eventually it all comes down to her bad experiences at school and the fact that she has convinced herself that all her children only do things to spite her.
Yes, I put myself £19000 in debt, went to university and spent the last five years of my life planning, writing and re-writing this manuscript just to spite you. -_-
What makes me angry is the fact that all this job hunting is going to take time away from my writing, which I'm sure is part of her plan, meaning that my idea of finishing the book by July will become infeasible. What's more, I still feel that I will be monumentally wasting EVERYONE'S time by going to interviews and shit. I am NOT qualified for ANYTHING. Any skills I learned in collage have been lost and forgotten. My university was basically a doss (because none of the tutors cared at all) and my current job makes few demands (yet I still fuck it up on a daily basis).
I CAN write. Perhaps not very well, but it may all that I can do to a certain level. I pour so much of my creativity and effort into what I write that I don't think anything else can ever take its place in my brain. Yet I get the feeling my mother just wants me to be a brainless, faceless loser doing loser jobs for about a week before getting sacked for incompetence.
And I am not the only one in my family to have had this experience. Jonathan wants to be a doctor, so mother barrages him with reasons he should not pursue it. "You're too lazy!" "Doctors try to control people with drugs!" "You think I'm just stupid" and so on. Matt writes music and she never stops saying how much she hates it. Joshua wants to be an artist and if he's not drawing pictures of Jesus or sunshine, she thinks he's some how becoming THE DEVIL. She refuses to watch Levi play his sports (to be fair, so do I, but that's purely because sports are boring) and it's hard to get her motivated when he wins awards.
Fuck this.
The Job Centre is making me go to their 'Connections Centre' (at the other end of town D:< ) to write up my C-V. AAAGGH! I hate this. I HATE ALL OF IT. I HAVE NO QUALIFICATIONS! NONE. None that mean anything, anyway.
Just when I thought I was getting somewhere in life... -_-
Life is rubbish at the moment. My mother pressured me into going to the job centre today. I know why she's doing it and it's not because she wants me to have a job it's because she hates the idea of me being a writer. This has become more and more apparent recently. Every time I mention something about my writing she reacts with absolute venom and scorn. The discussions inevitably lead to her saying things along the lines of 'books are pointless' and people who write them are 'trying to confuse' or 'control' people. Then she'll make assumptions along the lines of 'are you trying to make me look stupid'. Eventually it all comes down to her bad experiences at school and the fact that she has convinced herself that all her children only do things to spite her.
Yes, I put myself £19000 in debt, went to university and spent the last five years of my life planning, writing and re-writing this manuscript just to spite you. -_-
What makes me angry is the fact that all this job hunting is going to take time away from my writing, which I'm sure is part of her plan, meaning that my idea of finishing the book by July will become infeasible. What's more, I still feel that I will be monumentally wasting EVERYONE'S time by going to interviews and shit. I am NOT qualified for ANYTHING. Any skills I learned in collage have been lost and forgotten. My university was basically a doss (because none of the tutors cared at all) and my current job makes few demands (yet I still fuck it up on a daily basis).
I CAN write. Perhaps not very well, but it may all that I can do to a certain level. I pour so much of my creativity and effort into what I write that I don't think anything else can ever take its place in my brain. Yet I get the feeling my mother just wants me to be a brainless, faceless loser doing loser jobs for about a week before getting sacked for incompetence.
And I am not the only one in my family to have had this experience. Jonathan wants to be a doctor, so mother barrages him with reasons he should not pursue it. "You're too lazy!" "Doctors try to control people with drugs!" "You think I'm just stupid" and so on. Matt writes music and she never stops saying how much she hates it. Joshua wants to be an artist and if he's not drawing pictures of Jesus or sunshine, she thinks he's some how becoming THE DEVIL. She refuses to watch Levi play his sports (to be fair, so do I, but that's purely because sports are boring) and it's hard to get her motivated when he wins awards.
Fuck this.
The Job Centre is making me go to their 'Connections Centre' (at the other end of town D:< ) to write up my C-V. AAAGGH! I hate this. I HATE ALL OF IT. I HAVE NO QUALIFICATIONS! NONE. None that mean anything, anyway.
Just when I thought I was getting somewhere in life... -_-