a week left of college round 1
cant believe that the first year of college is OVER! one week and im through will all the fucking hassle, all the stress, all the stupid classes that as of yet have been useless to me. also, one week over till its back to shitty mcallen, with ugly people and nothing to do, and a whole high schools worth of people i have lost touch with, except for maybe 5 or 6 people. 3 weeks of busy life with a ton of dumb chores and doctors appointments, and maybe a party or two, but also 3 weeks to chill until summer school. i dunno if i will like it, they tell me you are forced to make friends with everyone in your classes, but that means mostly freshmen, and i hate the high school mentality that they will undoubtedly bring with them. but then again, i should give it a chance and quit being a bitchy pessimist.
reflections on the year: i did good. just good, not great, not even pretty good, just good. but im ok with that. its been a pretty big adjustment, ive learned a lot about patience living with tim, and ive learned a lot about myself and how hard i can push myself before i begin to lose it. i wont be leaving here with the feeling of belonging to any group of friends yet though, so that is a bit of a bummer. its scary because thats how high school started, and if i dont get with the program college will be over as quickly as high school was and i will have no good memories of it. but im very optimistic about next year, the group at the apartments are my favorite acquaintances so far, and ive had a few memorable times with some of them already. some might even call me a friend, but i still dont see it that way. i have this idea that maybe friends for me arent the same as they are for everyone else. not like i dont hold the same idea as everyone else of what constitutes a friend or anything, but i mean maybe the universe has different ideas about what i get out of any relationships with people, and the typical friendship just doesnt work for me. my dad sometimes tells me thats how it is with him, and while it makes me fucking miserable to know that i dont have the same closeness with anybody that i see on a regular basis as all the rest of the world, its ok in the sense that my dad is still living and hasnt lost his mind, so i know ill be able to live with it. its not the type of feeling that a decade of experience can numb, though.
maybe thats why im so eager to surround myself with animals for the rest of my life...they dont disappoint, because they have nobody else to be around all the time either. and not just pets...im starting to see that i want to get away from people for a career. i am really good...like REALLY good at being perceptive, seeing what goes on between people, reading body language and all the between the lines type of stuff...i would make an amazing psychologist or psychiatrist. random fact - scientists believe that yawning is more frequent in perceptive people, and that the contagiousness is somehow linked to their ability to subconsciously pick up on whats going on around them. other random fact - i yawn nonstop, all the time, and in chem in a class of 500+ people it is ridiculous. i can pick through what people are saying or doing and figure stuff out that they dont even want me to. but it helps me in absolutely no way whatsoever, socially. i am good at talking to people when they have problems, but for some reason i cant seem to stay good enough for day to day things. people use me a lot that way. and i get sick of it. anyways ive completely diverged from my original topic, which is to say im doing ok in college and i have plans to do better, if only i can figure out how to make them work.
reflections on the year: i did good. just good, not great, not even pretty good, just good. but im ok with that. its been a pretty big adjustment, ive learned a lot about patience living with tim, and ive learned a lot about myself and how hard i can push myself before i begin to lose it. i wont be leaving here with the feeling of belonging to any group of friends yet though, so that is a bit of a bummer. its scary because thats how high school started, and if i dont get with the program college will be over as quickly as high school was and i will have no good memories of it. but im very optimistic about next year, the group at the apartments are my favorite acquaintances so far, and ive had a few memorable times with some of them already. some might even call me a friend, but i still dont see it that way. i have this idea that maybe friends for me arent the same as they are for everyone else. not like i dont hold the same idea as everyone else of what constitutes a friend or anything, but i mean maybe the universe has different ideas about what i get out of any relationships with people, and the typical friendship just doesnt work for me. my dad sometimes tells me thats how it is with him, and while it makes me fucking miserable to know that i dont have the same closeness with anybody that i see on a regular basis as all the rest of the world, its ok in the sense that my dad is still living and hasnt lost his mind, so i know ill be able to live with it. its not the type of feeling that a decade of experience can numb, though.
maybe thats why im so eager to surround myself with animals for the rest of my life...they dont disappoint, because they have nobody else to be around all the time either. and not just pets...im starting to see that i want to get away from people for a career. i am really good...like REALLY good at being perceptive, seeing what goes on between people, reading body language and all the between the lines type of stuff...i would make an amazing psychologist or psychiatrist. random fact - scientists believe that yawning is more frequent in perceptive people, and that the contagiousness is somehow linked to their ability to subconsciously pick up on whats going on around them. other random fact - i yawn nonstop, all the time, and in chem in a class of 500+ people it is ridiculous. i can pick through what people are saying or doing and figure stuff out that they dont even want me to. but it helps me in absolutely no way whatsoever, socially. i am good at talking to people when they have problems, but for some reason i cant seem to stay good enough for day to day things. people use me a lot that way. and i get sick of it. anyways ive completely diverged from my original topic, which is to say im doing ok in college and i have plans to do better, if only i can figure out how to make them work.