(no subject)
to one of the greatest people i could ever know.
amanda heath,
i know this is pretty bad. having to do this online, and on my live journal and everything. and that an apology on this thing might not seem good enough to even be an apology or explanation. but please, if you read this, hear me out. it seems as though in person when we talk, and with jean, that things get said, but not the right way. it will either end up in screaming, laughing, or one of us being sad or pissed. and thats not the way it should be. i know that recently. ive screwed up. majorily. and im not just saying that to make you happy. to make you think that i just said it just to make you think your right. or for me just to say it that way we will all "forget" about it. thats not why im saying this to you. im telling you that i screwed up, because i seriously, 100% did. and i dont know how to tell you how unbelievably sorry i am. it seems as though lately, things have been very different. i have been very different. but in a way thats not a bad different...until a certain extent of it. before, yes, i will say that i wasnt into the whole public display of affection, and the whole kissing thing on campus. i thought it was lame and pointless. and before, it didnt mean anything to me. and yes, i was a bitch to those other guys, ill give you that. but now...please understand, its different. i dont know how to explain it without it seeming like im this total slut that all she wants to do is kiss her boyfriend. but thats not it. not at all. sure, i like being with him. wait, i love being with him. im crazy about him. and i know that you, and jean, think that the relationship is just based on both of our mouths, but that isnt it. i could just be sitting there, without talking, and id still love it. and when you say to me that its either you and jean, or him, i cant make that decision. because let me tell you something. youre my best friend. we have been so close, and have gone through so much. from picking songs reminding us of the freshman baseball team, to laughing about how we're gonna have our car license plats say freedom, you have ALWAYS been there for me. your everything to me. i could say literally anything to you and i wouldnt care if it sounded stupid or gay. and half the time, it does. but thats why i love it. because we get along so well, and can just laugh and have fun at the stupidest moments and things. we have had so many great times. your the person that will listen to anything i have to say, and even if it is corny or doesnt really have a meaning at all, you'll still be there to offer advice and help. you help me through everything. and without you, i wouldnt know what to do. please dont make me pick. im begging you. i cant do it. if your asking me which one i value more, then the answer is my friends, meaning you. because your my friend. and believe it or not, your my best friend. someone that will always be there for me, and me for you. and i am the biggest bitch there is. because for a couple seconds in my life, i have forgotten that. and i hope to never forget it ever again. you mean so much to me amanda. and i really really dont want anything or anyone to change that.
i like him amanda. a lot. a lot lot. but my feelings for him will never change my feelings for you. and i am so deeply sorry for making you think differently. and i hope, and wish, that things will go back to normal.
please dont make me choose. i cant do it. id rather have neither
because without him i would feel like a part of me is missing
but without you, i would feel like there wasn't even me to begin with.
i am so sorry...
amanda heath,
i know this is pretty bad. having to do this online, and on my live journal and everything. and that an apology on this thing might not seem good enough to even be an apology or explanation. but please, if you read this, hear me out. it seems as though in person when we talk, and with jean, that things get said, but not the right way. it will either end up in screaming, laughing, or one of us being sad or pissed. and thats not the way it should be. i know that recently. ive screwed up. majorily. and im not just saying that to make you happy. to make you think that i just said it just to make you think your right. or for me just to say it that way we will all "forget" about it. thats not why im saying this to you. im telling you that i screwed up, because i seriously, 100% did. and i dont know how to tell you how unbelievably sorry i am. it seems as though lately, things have been very different. i have been very different. but in a way thats not a bad different...until a certain extent of it. before, yes, i will say that i wasnt into the whole public display of affection, and the whole kissing thing on campus. i thought it was lame and pointless. and before, it didnt mean anything to me. and yes, i was a bitch to those other guys, ill give you that. but now...please understand, its different. i dont know how to explain it without it seeming like im this total slut that all she wants to do is kiss her boyfriend. but thats not it. not at all. sure, i like being with him. wait, i love being with him. im crazy about him. and i know that you, and jean, think that the relationship is just based on both of our mouths, but that isnt it. i could just be sitting there, without talking, and id still love it. and when you say to me that its either you and jean, or him, i cant make that decision. because let me tell you something. youre my best friend. we have been so close, and have gone through so much. from picking songs reminding us of the freshman baseball team, to laughing about how we're gonna have our car license plats say freedom, you have ALWAYS been there for me. your everything to me. i could say literally anything to you and i wouldnt care if it sounded stupid or gay. and half the time, it does. but thats why i love it. because we get along so well, and can just laugh and have fun at the stupidest moments and things. we have had so many great times. your the person that will listen to anything i have to say, and even if it is corny or doesnt really have a meaning at all, you'll still be there to offer advice and help. you help me through everything. and without you, i wouldnt know what to do. please dont make me pick. im begging you. i cant do it. if your asking me which one i value more, then the answer is my friends, meaning you. because your my friend. and believe it or not, your my best friend. someone that will always be there for me, and me for you. and i am the biggest bitch there is. because for a couple seconds in my life, i have forgotten that. and i hope to never forget it ever again. you mean so much to me amanda. and i really really dont want anything or anyone to change that.
i like him amanda. a lot. a lot lot. but my feelings for him will never change my feelings for you. and i am so deeply sorry for making you think differently. and i hope, and wish, that things will go back to normal.
please dont make me choose. i cant do it. id rather have neither
because without him i would feel like a part of me is missing
but without you, i would feel like there wasn't even me to begin with.
i am so sorry...