The Hate List: 2008 Edition.
There's so much to hate this year. I've come up with some of the things that I hated the most about 2008.
1. The gay men of Orlando.
Not all of them, just the annoying ones. Which may or may not include all of them and maybe even me. I don't get why there are exactly 5 of us who are sane and normal and a whole shit load of us who are either bat shit crazy, or clingy, possessive, jealous asshole hot messes who drink WAY too much and usually end up alienating a lot of people. Too many gay dudes in this city think the world revolves around their immediate situation, or that the "Gay Rainbow" shines directly out of their well worn asses and into the "I'm a fuck-up so this needs to be everyone problem too" spectrum. Reality check: you miserable fags are not the only people on earth! Give your bullshit and drama a fucking rest for fuck's sake!
2. Fixed Gear Kids
Seriously, I'm all for saving the environment and getting healthy and saving cash on gas and whatnot but give me a fucking break! We'll address the health issue; While riding a bike is a healthy cardiovascular activity, riding down Colonial Dr. or Orange Ave. without a helmet is just stupid. And least we not forget that most of the time that we see these chodes they are usually on their ways to Bar-B-Q Bar or Matador to smoke a million cigarettes and drink their faces off before they get back onto their bikes and head back to Thorton Park. This is a passing fad though. While paying $450.00 for a bike that hadn't been ridden since 1975 was cool this year I hear next year unicycles and big wheels are going to be all the rage.
3. TIE: "Obama will save us!"
No, Obama won't save us. Not by himself. Here's where our problem lies: we got the man elected, not we're going to slack off. Some of us. The man is not the Messiah, he's a dude from Chicago who ran for president and got elected. He's called on all of us to do what we can to effect change in our own communities and let our voices be heard about the things that we see as injustices. He did not, however, say "Eh, sit back y'all. I got this." While it is refreshing to have a progressive in office it was also the spirit of his campaign for us to not sit idley by and watch our government fuck up our lives even more. If we want change we have to change shit ourselves. Oh yeah, and while it is a historic moment having a Black man as president maybe we should see the moment for what it is and STOP MAKING SUCH A BIG FUCKING DEAL ABOUT IT! At the same time if I hear one more person say that it doesn't count because "he's only half black" I'm going to break their nose. When Halle Berry won the Oscar for best actress people weren't saying "technically she's half black so it doesn't really count."
and Reverse Anti-Patriotism
Remember when we would call Bush on his bullshit and some old white dude would say "You're not an AMERICAN! You need to get behind the president!" Wonder what they're saying now...
4. Church Street Station
Hey, wanna catch an airbourn STD? Wanna have the constant looming feeling that at any moment some one will slip you a date rape drug? Like watching drunk assholes oggle girls and drunk bitches walk down a public street barefoot? Wanna see a fight? WELL HEAD ON DOWN TO CHURCH STREET STATION!
Not all of Church Street is bad, The Desert Lady is great and Ceviche isn't bad either. (Although PAINFULLY over priced.) Stay clear of the following bad highschool movie proms:
-Bliss
No lie, they have a dress code. For fuck's sake!
-The Dragon Room
If you can even get in.
-Big Belly's
Seriously, Beer Pong?
-Lattitudes
It's a mess up there. Trust me.
-Antigua
Gold chains and tons of Polo Sport? No fucking thanks.
Here's a list of places that are okay to go to once or twice, but don't let anyone see you go in:
-Makos/The Back Room @ Makos
Watered down shots? Eh, at least they're free!
-Chillers
How are frozen drinks not Slurpees with alcohol in them? Don't know, but you can get them for a dollar!
-23
Not a bad bar. Not a good bar, but not bad.
5. Say Yes on 2
Really, "Marriage Protection Amendment"? You know what marriage need protection from? DIVORCE! If marriages were so sacred to the point that the Florida legislature thought that it should be constitutionally stated why then do so many members of the house BANG SO MANY HOOKERS? Why are so many of them cheating on their wives with young men? But I don't even have a huge issue with them. I have a problem with the faith based organizations who put the poison in the the brains of their sheep that Amendment 2 was about gay marriage. For fuck's sake! Aren't you supposed to preach, then shut the fuck up? Why are churches getting involved in politics? Look, I know that some gay couple's 26 year commited relationship has nothing on your heterosexual 26 year commited relationship. I mean both couples are in love, own property together, have combined assets, have built a life that is real. But alas you have children and the gay couple has cats and a dog. Sorry we can't adopt. We'll work on that next.
But Amendment 2 was not about gays getting married, there are already 4 laws on the Florida books making it illegal. Amendment 2 was about giving the Bible the chance to govern your bedroom and determine for you what kind of family you can have. If you belive that marriage is supposed to be a union between one man and one woman because "that's the way that God intended" you are automatically taking away my civil rights. What if I don't believe in God? How could He tell me what defines marriage if I'm Athiest? (For the record, I'm not an Atheist, I'm just looking out for my non-believing brothers and sisters.) I'm not a Christian. I belive that if there is a higher power that he or she may be dealing with some bigger issues in the world than whether or not two fags want to jump the broom.
6. Hipsters
I'm not quite sure how many of you came to be but I'm going to let you in on a little secret: You're all douche bags! Yes, many of you wear your douche baggery like a medal of honor but for folks like me who never want to have a conversation with you if I can help it it's not impressive or endearing and you should all be corralled into a room full of PBR and Camel Lights and someone should drop a Cyanide pill in. You are useless, apathetic morons who put on your eyeliner and H&M scarves and sit in the corners of bars and trounce anyone who doesn't look like you and you seem to get really offended when someone doesn't compliment you on your Sigur Ros rip off band. By virtue of the fact that you shop at Urban Outfitters and American Apparel you are not the indiviual that you think you are. MILLIONS of people just like you shop there too. Douche.
I'll tell you like I told the gays: The world does not revolve around your bullshit. Give it a fucking rest.
You've made it through the Hate List 2008. Let's hope for a shorter list in 2009!
1. The gay men of Orlando.
Not all of them, just the annoying ones. Which may or may not include all of them and maybe even me. I don't get why there are exactly 5 of us who are sane and normal and a whole shit load of us who are either bat shit crazy, or clingy, possessive, jealous asshole hot messes who drink WAY too much and usually end up alienating a lot of people. Too many gay dudes in this city think the world revolves around their immediate situation, or that the "Gay Rainbow" shines directly out of their well worn asses and into the "I'm a fuck-up so this needs to be everyone problem too" spectrum. Reality check: you miserable fags are not the only people on earth! Give your bullshit and drama a fucking rest for fuck's sake!
2. Fixed Gear Kids
Seriously, I'm all for saving the environment and getting healthy and saving cash on gas and whatnot but give me a fucking break! We'll address the health issue; While riding a bike is a healthy cardiovascular activity, riding down Colonial Dr. or Orange Ave. without a helmet is just stupid. And least we not forget that most of the time that we see these chodes they are usually on their ways to Bar-B-Q Bar or Matador to smoke a million cigarettes and drink their faces off before they get back onto their bikes and head back to Thorton Park. This is a passing fad though. While paying $450.00 for a bike that hadn't been ridden since 1975 was cool this year I hear next year unicycles and big wheels are going to be all the rage.
3. TIE: "Obama will save us!"
No, Obama won't save us. Not by himself. Here's where our problem lies: we got the man elected, not we're going to slack off. Some of us. The man is not the Messiah, he's a dude from Chicago who ran for president and got elected. He's called on all of us to do what we can to effect change in our own communities and let our voices be heard about the things that we see as injustices. He did not, however, say "Eh, sit back y'all. I got this." While it is refreshing to have a progressive in office it was also the spirit of his campaign for us to not sit idley by and watch our government fuck up our lives even more. If we want change we have to change shit ourselves. Oh yeah, and while it is a historic moment having a Black man as president maybe we should see the moment for what it is and STOP MAKING SUCH A BIG FUCKING DEAL ABOUT IT! At the same time if I hear one more person say that it doesn't count because "he's only half black" I'm going to break their nose. When Halle Berry won the Oscar for best actress people weren't saying "technically she's half black so it doesn't really count."
and Reverse Anti-Patriotism
Remember when we would call Bush on his bullshit and some old white dude would say "You're not an AMERICAN! You need to get behind the president!" Wonder what they're saying now...
4. Church Street Station
Hey, wanna catch an airbourn STD? Wanna have the constant looming feeling that at any moment some one will slip you a date rape drug? Like watching drunk assholes oggle girls and drunk bitches walk down a public street barefoot? Wanna see a fight? WELL HEAD ON DOWN TO CHURCH STREET STATION!
Not all of Church Street is bad, The Desert Lady is great and Ceviche isn't bad either. (Although PAINFULLY over priced.) Stay clear of the following bad highschool movie proms:
-Bliss
No lie, they have a dress code. For fuck's sake!
-The Dragon Room
If you can even get in.
-Big Belly's
Seriously, Beer Pong?
-Lattitudes
It's a mess up there. Trust me.
-Antigua
Gold chains and tons of Polo Sport? No fucking thanks.
Here's a list of places that are okay to go to once or twice, but don't let anyone see you go in:
-Makos/The Back Room @ Makos
Watered down shots? Eh, at least they're free!
-Chillers
How are frozen drinks not Slurpees with alcohol in them? Don't know, but you can get them for a dollar!
-23
Not a bad bar. Not a good bar, but not bad.
5. Say Yes on 2
Really, "Marriage Protection Amendment"? You know what marriage need protection from? DIVORCE! If marriages were so sacred to the point that the Florida legislature thought that it should be constitutionally stated why then do so many members of the house BANG SO MANY HOOKERS? Why are so many of them cheating on their wives with young men? But I don't even have a huge issue with them. I have a problem with the faith based organizations who put the poison in the the brains of their sheep that Amendment 2 was about gay marriage. For fuck's sake! Aren't you supposed to preach, then shut the fuck up? Why are churches getting involved in politics? Look, I know that some gay couple's 26 year commited relationship has nothing on your heterosexual 26 year commited relationship. I mean both couples are in love, own property together, have combined assets, have built a life that is real. But alas you have children and the gay couple has cats and a dog. Sorry we can't adopt. We'll work on that next.
But Amendment 2 was not about gays getting married, there are already 4 laws on the Florida books making it illegal. Amendment 2 was about giving the Bible the chance to govern your bedroom and determine for you what kind of family you can have. If you belive that marriage is supposed to be a union between one man and one woman because "that's the way that God intended" you are automatically taking away my civil rights. What if I don't believe in God? How could He tell me what defines marriage if I'm Athiest? (For the record, I'm not an Atheist, I'm just looking out for my non-believing brothers and sisters.) I'm not a Christian. I belive that if there is a higher power that he or she may be dealing with some bigger issues in the world than whether or not two fags want to jump the broom.
6. Hipsters
I'm not quite sure how many of you came to be but I'm going to let you in on a little secret: You're all douche bags! Yes, many of you wear your douche baggery like a medal of honor but for folks like me who never want to have a conversation with you if I can help it it's not impressive or endearing and you should all be corralled into a room full of PBR and Camel Lights and someone should drop a Cyanide pill in. You are useless, apathetic morons who put on your eyeliner and H&M scarves and sit in the corners of bars and trounce anyone who doesn't look like you and you seem to get really offended when someone doesn't compliment you on your Sigur Ros rip off band. By virtue of the fact that you shop at Urban Outfitters and American Apparel you are not the indiviual that you think you are. MILLIONS of people just like you shop there too. Douche.
I'll tell you like I told the gays: The world does not revolve around your bullshit. Give it a fucking rest.
You've made it through the Hate List 2008. Let's hope for a shorter list in 2009!