Finally a update!

[hughgrant_4ever]

Well I am back from Europe. I am glad because I had fun but the weather suked and I was sick to death of taking trains. Anyway obviously I have been missing him horribly and wanting to see him badly, so I tried 2x today. First time I brought both dogs over but he was out. So this evening I had Dodger and we stopped by, good thing cuz he was leaving for baseball so I would of missed all chances. So needless to say our convo was short. He asked about my trip but we didn't talk about it much yet, I was more concerned with how he was doing and it made me so sad to see him in a cast. Dodger kissed it. I wanted to get a picture of them but since things were so fast, I had no time to really take any. He told me was not sure about working with Dingo anymore, and my heart stopped. Then I asked why and he said, he was thinking about it (translation, thinking about me! omg!) and he was not sure he should mess with her if she has a murmur. He was worried about stressing her out too much, I assured him the murmur is nothing to be overly concerned about. Then I told him he was the only guy to ever pet her who didn't live with her, he was modest and says, it was because I was holding her, ha, no my friend, it was because she felt your calmness and she trusted you enough. I wont let him give up on her, thats all people have done to her and thats why she is so bad. Hope we have time to really talk about it more. I want to ask him for a email address so I can show him some of the wildlife pictures I took overseas, I know he would love them but that will have to wait til next time which I plan to do tomorrow, with Patch. My gosh, I can't believe how crazy in love with him I am. I seriously just can't even explain it really... but the worst part is knowing, he probably wont ever like me back, I can't help but assume he only likes me for the dogs and some time I'd love to hang out with him without them but not sure how to even do that casually without seeming creepy. At any rate... I have been thinking alot about him, duh, what else is new? I am still not phased by the age gap. I never think about it when I am with him. However, I know it may bother him and maybe it bothers others, or would. I know people say the whole father figure thing and to me, if that was the case, I would of had many males, even friends in my life, and I'd of been dating random older men for years, neither is true. In fact, he is one of 2 guy friends I have around here, the other is gay. I have NEVER dated anyone either. So ya... while my dad and I have a mediocore relationship, I am not trying to find someone to "look up to and to take care of me" I am looking for someone to be my equal, my best friend and who I can take care of and look to, not up to. No father figure issues here and I am surely not a gold digger, the man has no job even right now. I feel so weird and odd because I am a rare breed, I truly honest to god care about others more than myself and I don't ask for much in life. He has passed my most important thing in a mate with flying colors.... the love and compassion he shows my dogs. And the fact that he never made fun of Dodger's party but thought it was cool and understands how important they are to me etc shows he gets it. I always thought being a vegetarian or vegan was a must in a mate. However he is not one and I am completely ok with it.... why? Well for one, he respects that I am and thinks its great and his love for animals is so amazing, I know he understands why I do it. For me, the fact that he is not a hunter is WAY more important. Now this is not to get in a debate here but this is highly important to me, growing up with a dad and brother who hunt ALL the time and have animal heads all over and carcasses in the freezer, has been hell for me. I refuse to live that way with a mate. He told me was not a hunter before I even told him I was against it and a vegetarian. The fact that he was able to put down a gun and see the beauty in a animal who was alive and not wanting to kill it anyway, shows me he is truly the perfect guy for me. Also he calls the deer heads in my basement "death row". It kills me sometimes because its like, this was the moment when he went from a guy I thought was amazing and could be perfect for me to "holy shit he is my other half, the missing piece of my heart" or... its the worst joke ever played on me... and I know I am not pretty and I never will be, I can't change my face. My personality can only get me so far but I can't help but think he only likes my dogs and not really me. He seems so comfortable with me and loves to talk and laughs and smiles alot and always gives eye contact (which to some people, they say thats flirting) but then, he seems like he doesn't want to go anywhere beyond the yard... he told me before I left he needs to start walking more for therapy and I am gonna offer to let him walk one of the boys and say that I don't even have to come if he didn't want to, its just showing him then, that I trust him. I keep trying to prepare myself for the worst... him not liking me back but even though I want to be ok with that, I am not sure I would be. Right now, just having him as a friend in my life is amazing but what if I lose that too? Then it is truly a cruel joke... and I am scared to cope. I wish I knew if he really liked me, even as a friend, or what.... I hate that he is so perfect for me and is the only person who I have ever truly connected with like this, the only person I ache to be with and miss when I am away and yes that includes my family... I never asked for this, "love found me" but now, I don't know how to handle it. I remember the day I met him like it was yesterday but I probably looked like shit, who knows, all I know is that day, I was content being me and living my life to be forever single... now I don't want to be forever single, I want to be with him. No one else. Even throw me a hot celebrity and I would pick him, honest to god. I was in England for gods sakes and I could not even really look and gawk at the brits, because my heart is taken. I have a great gift idea planned for his 50th. I really hope it pans out. My mom always asks me about him and encourages me to talk to him, this is insane if you know my mom, she is never like this. Any other guys I have known in the past have not been well looked upon by her, she questioned everything. She never questions him... I sometimes wonder if she knows I like him and she is happy for me or she is just happy I have a friend. Although to be honest, he is probably more the dogs friend than mine :)
I have even tried to think honestly to myself.... if anything were to happen... would I be ok with him living with his mom and not spending tons of time with me? What if he could not go back to work due to his hands? What if he has kids or something that I have yet to know about? Then of course the biggies, my first kiss and my first time and would I be ok with it being him? YES to that one. It scares me to think about but not because its him but the unknown and not being "good enough" with someone expirenced but I can't say anyone I've ever met before would make me feel safe and comfortable enough to go there but with him, yes. I am obviously ok with him living with his mom and I am not needy, I am learning alot of patience with this and Its good for me. I respect he wants his space and has a life, so I'd be ok with that. I don't need a man with a job, I need a man with a heart of gold, who I can trust, and who makes me laugh and is good to me and my dogs. Everything else will work itself out in the end. I want to ask about the kids thing but if he says he does, it might be weird to hear but who cares as long as he does not want more.... then i might have to rethink things since I have 0 desire to have any kids of my own....but a kid with him? Maybe I'd be ok with it. I know I think too much. Ha! I just don't know if I should ever tell him how I feel and if so, how long should I wait? I am terrified to lose him in my life. However, I don't know how long I can keep it from him... but part of me thinks he already knows. Sigh... why oh why did I have to fall in love... and out of my league? He is not by any means drop dead sexy... he is very average and it took me a while to find him SEXY but I do, its probably because I am so in love with HIM overall that I just can see it now and its hard to be with him sometimes when everything seems so right and perfect and knowing it may never be.... Anyway if you read this, thanks. I just needed to say some things.