A lesson in faith.... sorta
I am still 100% unsure of my beliefs but I do know I do not believe in God. I do however, have issues writing off heaven complelety. Not that I think eternity as one age with millions of people, just being a soul sounds fantastic but I hate the idea of things just dying and nothing else to look forward to. I think esp when it comes to animals and children. Dying so cruelly at times and also so young.... how fair is that? Its hard to lose someone you know and love and not take comfort in a afterlife. I have heard it said before that Atheist have such a sad life. Just for that reason alone, so I don't call myself one. At least not yet.
Its hard to really grasp all this because my entire life practially I believed in God. Not really by choice but because I was raised too and it seemed crazy to me that someone would not. I do believe Jesus was a man but I don't believe really that his mom just randomly got pregnant by God and had him and that he died for our sins. So many people back then, were hung on crosses and killed. I do NOT hate or dislike anyone who believes in God... in fact, I kinda envy them. See, my whole life being forced to believe and not really knowing why, I felt like the one thing I needed to really do was to live and breathe my faith. To walk the walk and talk the talk. Take everything with a leap of faith, literally. I could never do that. I have had a potty mouth for years and it is looked down upon by many christians. I have never ever ever wanted to be married.... yet I want a long term relationship... so I'd be living with and sleeping with someone I wasn't married too, another thing frowned upon by many christians. I never understood the hatred of gays. Now I am STILL convinced its a lifestyle choice, another thing that is hard to explain with my non belief in god however, christians who believe its sinful are so mean and evil to them. They are after all humans. Who am I do judge them? I don't care. Its kinda similar to people who get on my case for not eating me, why the hell does it matter to you? Did I ask you to do it too? No. I do not go around making meat eaters feel like shit... as I would never do with a gay person. Get married for all I care. More power to you. Sometimes it seems like alot of same sex couples have better and stronger relationships than straight couples, hence the high divorce rate. Anyway a bit off topic, I apologize. My point is, even though I "believed" there was a God, I never bought into the "rules" and I certainly was not a person who others would think was a great christian. So why does it matter now that I don't believe? I am basically living and beliving the same ways.
My longest friend is a mormon. She has tried to get me to do church things with her over the years but I have always stood my ground and was clear I was not into that faith. I have never caved and think its a very out there religion but at the end of the day, she is still a human. She is good to me and we have a long history. Thats what matters. I think of events like the Tsunami and 9-11 and wonder... if God existed, why would he even ALLOW this to happen? Ya ya to test our faith but what kind of test is that really? Does it really make people more into their faith? No, our world is as messed up as ever. I used to be terrified of the idea of 2012 and the end of the world but now I just don't care, and in fact, I am able to laugh it off. No one, christian or not, knows 10000% for sure what is or what isn't out there. Making us all just living on some kind of belief. We could all easily be wrong. Think of all the many religions out there, if there was a God, why would so many people just make up all these religions? Why wouldn't we just believe the same stuff.
Again, the hardest part for me in this whole journey is trying to really grasp on what I believe and feel about the afterlife. Saying I don't believe in God but in heaven is very contradictory and I know that, but as of now, its what I am at. I can't go on with life and be ok with things knowing there was no heaven and I'd never see my pets and family I lost again.... just as I can't go on living day in and day out, beliving there is a God out there when I have no proof that there is. I do feel it is a crutch for people and I do not mean for ANY of this to offend anyone, remember, over 20 years of my life I believed this and I accept and love people for who they are and how they treat others, not what they do or don't believe.... that being said.... I was that way myself. I prayed nightly... not because I TRULY to the bottom of my core believed it would be heard and answered but because it made me feel safe and I could sleep. I haven't prayed in months. I would face something terrifying and try to dip deep into my Bible or pray my heart out, but it didn't really change things. I didn't do it for GOOD and BAD only the bad and scary times. I find that when I would pray about something that meant so much to me, it would never work out. So I truly believed God hated me.
I'd love to be able to come back to a faith and believe in God someday and be so excited to get to heaven but really It would take alot at this point to get me there. I don't wanna change who I am and what I do just to "act good" and get to heaven. Do you know that my faith anyway believed that once you asked God into your life, you were going to heaven. I did at age 11. So, I guess if he did exsist, I'd be going there anyway, based on my religion growing up. There is billions of people on the earth right now... and for billions of years as earth has been here, there has been tons of people, do you honestly think heaven is big enough? I mean I know everyone doesn't believe but still. My mormon friend once told me about her faith that she believes in the Bible (as did I at the time) but they had their own "extension" of it that only mormons knew of and it allowed them into the main level of heaven. As they believe, there is 3 levels in heaven. EVERYONE goes to heaven who is good or believes in something but only those who are mormon get to actually be in the leave with God and Jesus and spend eternity. What on earth?!! Like wow, how could God even be that way? According to my longest friend on earth, I'd never see her in eternity.... thats just silly. I feel like there is some GREAT lessons in faith though and I carry them with me as much as I can. Compassion, forgiveness and love. I have always been that way. Its the best way to live life, without rules or religion but with the lessons that can make mankind wonderful. If only we all could practice those things.
Religion also causes so much hate and violence, its sad and crazy! I can not believe as humans we have to sit and fight to death over who is right and who isn't. Basically, I am worth it all and your not worth shit, kind of attitude. I was appauled about a year ago when my brother came out and said he was a athesit but now since the last few months have really shaped me in more ways than I can count and I have been able to actually read the Bible and research things, I totally see where he is coming from. I hope this post has not offended anyone, esp if you are by chance, a mormon. I do not HATE you, and I do not JUDGE you, and I ask you do the same for me. Go ahead and pray for me, it wont offend me. I just wont do it for you, I can only wish you the best. Someday, maybe my faith will come back, or maybe not, but none the less, I am me, the same girl I have always been. With a heart of gold, who cries when I hear about animal abuse and would do anything to help someone in need, even a enemy. I hope someday to see the seriously judgemental christians and all the other people killing for their faith, just STOP and realize we are all here together, on the same planet, today. We just need to work together to make it a great ride and please do NOT forget the animals. They need us to help them.
Thanks for reading
Its hard to really grasp all this because my entire life practially I believed in God. Not really by choice but because I was raised too and it seemed crazy to me that someone would not. I do believe Jesus was a man but I don't believe really that his mom just randomly got pregnant by God and had him and that he died for our sins. So many people back then, were hung on crosses and killed. I do NOT hate or dislike anyone who believes in God... in fact, I kinda envy them. See, my whole life being forced to believe and not really knowing why, I felt like the one thing I needed to really do was to live and breathe my faith. To walk the walk and talk the talk. Take everything with a leap of faith, literally. I could never do that. I have had a potty mouth for years and it is looked down upon by many christians. I have never ever ever wanted to be married.... yet I want a long term relationship... so I'd be living with and sleeping with someone I wasn't married too, another thing frowned upon by many christians. I never understood the hatred of gays. Now I am STILL convinced its a lifestyle choice, another thing that is hard to explain with my non belief in god however, christians who believe its sinful are so mean and evil to them. They are after all humans. Who am I do judge them? I don't care. Its kinda similar to people who get on my case for not eating me, why the hell does it matter to you? Did I ask you to do it too? No. I do not go around making meat eaters feel like shit... as I would never do with a gay person. Get married for all I care. More power to you. Sometimes it seems like alot of same sex couples have better and stronger relationships than straight couples, hence the high divorce rate. Anyway a bit off topic, I apologize. My point is, even though I "believed" there was a God, I never bought into the "rules" and I certainly was not a person who others would think was a great christian. So why does it matter now that I don't believe? I am basically living and beliving the same ways.
My longest friend is a mormon. She has tried to get me to do church things with her over the years but I have always stood my ground and was clear I was not into that faith. I have never caved and think its a very out there religion but at the end of the day, she is still a human. She is good to me and we have a long history. Thats what matters. I think of events like the Tsunami and 9-11 and wonder... if God existed, why would he even ALLOW this to happen? Ya ya to test our faith but what kind of test is that really? Does it really make people more into their faith? No, our world is as messed up as ever. I used to be terrified of the idea of 2012 and the end of the world but now I just don't care, and in fact, I am able to laugh it off. No one, christian or not, knows 10000% for sure what is or what isn't out there. Making us all just living on some kind of belief. We could all easily be wrong. Think of all the many religions out there, if there was a God, why would so many people just make up all these religions? Why wouldn't we just believe the same stuff.
Again, the hardest part for me in this whole journey is trying to really grasp on what I believe and feel about the afterlife. Saying I don't believe in God but in heaven is very contradictory and I know that, but as of now, its what I am at. I can't go on with life and be ok with things knowing there was no heaven and I'd never see my pets and family I lost again.... just as I can't go on living day in and day out, beliving there is a God out there when I have no proof that there is. I do feel it is a crutch for people and I do not mean for ANY of this to offend anyone, remember, over 20 years of my life I believed this and I accept and love people for who they are and how they treat others, not what they do or don't believe.... that being said.... I was that way myself. I prayed nightly... not because I TRULY to the bottom of my core believed it would be heard and answered but because it made me feel safe and I could sleep. I haven't prayed in months. I would face something terrifying and try to dip deep into my Bible or pray my heart out, but it didn't really change things. I didn't do it for GOOD and BAD only the bad and scary times. I find that when I would pray about something that meant so much to me, it would never work out. So I truly believed God hated me.
I'd love to be able to come back to a faith and believe in God someday and be so excited to get to heaven but really It would take alot at this point to get me there. I don't wanna change who I am and what I do just to "act good" and get to heaven. Do you know that my faith anyway believed that once you asked God into your life, you were going to heaven. I did at age 11. So, I guess if he did exsist, I'd be going there anyway, based on my religion growing up. There is billions of people on the earth right now... and for billions of years as earth has been here, there has been tons of people, do you honestly think heaven is big enough? I mean I know everyone doesn't believe but still. My mormon friend once told me about her faith that she believes in the Bible (as did I at the time) but they had their own "extension" of it that only mormons knew of and it allowed them into the main level of heaven. As they believe, there is 3 levels in heaven. EVERYONE goes to heaven who is good or believes in something but only those who are mormon get to actually be in the leave with God and Jesus and spend eternity. What on earth?!! Like wow, how could God even be that way? According to my longest friend on earth, I'd never see her in eternity.... thats just silly. I feel like there is some GREAT lessons in faith though and I carry them with me as much as I can. Compassion, forgiveness and love. I have always been that way. Its the best way to live life, without rules or religion but with the lessons that can make mankind wonderful. If only we all could practice those things.
Religion also causes so much hate and violence, its sad and crazy! I can not believe as humans we have to sit and fight to death over who is right and who isn't. Basically, I am worth it all and your not worth shit, kind of attitude. I was appauled about a year ago when my brother came out and said he was a athesit but now since the last few months have really shaped me in more ways than I can count and I have been able to actually read the Bible and research things, I totally see where he is coming from. I hope this post has not offended anyone, esp if you are by chance, a mormon. I do not HATE you, and I do not JUDGE you, and I ask you do the same for me. Go ahead and pray for me, it wont offend me. I just wont do it for you, I can only wish you the best. Someday, maybe my faith will come back, or maybe not, but none the less, I am me, the same girl I have always been. With a heart of gold, who cries when I hear about animal abuse and would do anything to help someone in need, even a enemy. I hope someday to see the seriously judgemental christians and all the other people killing for their faith, just STOP and realize we are all here together, on the same planet, today. We just need to work together to make it a great ride and please do NOT forget the animals. They need us to help them.
Thanks for reading