while i was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
i've never been brought as much joy in my soul as when i see my father smile and truly be happy.
my uncle just recently graduated from rehab after a really tough, really long struggle with drugs and breaking the hearts of his 3 children
as his older brother, my dad took it really hard, and it was difficult for me because i knew he didn't want to show his pain externally
i feel so selfish because i was so wrapped up in my own petty problems to try to make things better. all i did was sit back and wish things would improve.
my uncle's life has made a complete 360 and i'm so proud of him. he told my father recently that he always puts his shoes under his bed before he goes to sleep because he knows he'll have to get down on his knees to retrieve his shoes, and it forces him to kneel by his bed and pray.
last night, when i came home from work, my uncle was over and my dad was there with him and they talking, just like old times, and there was something different about my dad's voice.. a true happiness.
i've never been so humbled as in that moment to know that God is really in control. i know i've messed up, and i know i am NOT in control, as much as i'd like to be.
i worry for nothing, i say things that hurt peoples feelings, and i abandon people that care about. as much as i hate it, those things are inevitable.
no matter how alone i feel or empty my soul is for things that have happened in the past that i JUST CAN'T LET GO and i wish i could talk about them and come to some final resolution, i know that good comes from everything.
God doesn't take something away without replacing it with something far better
i've just got to keep the faith in that. and so do you.
and i've got to remember to put things in perspective and know that true happiness is attainable, even if it might not seem so at the time.
it's not that i'm unhappy, it's just that i'm learning about about myself, and trying to make amends with myself before opening up a new phase of my life.
you know.. it would just be so easy to have everything written down in front me and know the right choices to make, but struggle makes us stronger.
i just have to keep reminding myself of that and know that i will never be alone.
in every change, He faithful will remain
one day i will have the strength to overcome all of these memories and stupid decisions, but until then i'll just exist.