from time to time i find i've lost some need
late monday i viewed a room for rent on olive/lyon that i was ready to hand over the cash for that moment. not only is the room larger than my sister's apartment, but it has a little edition to die for. it has one little step up and it's in the shape of an octagon with a dragon's eye sixteen feet up on the ceiling carved out by the support beams. there's a large window on the far side with small port windows on the other two ends (which makes it look perfect for sunny days) and hangers above each port window for plants and the such. i could totally envision hanging fabrics and tapestries, placing an oriental rug in the middle and a stereo setup on one end, maybe a rock garden or different ornaments for ambiance and practicing tai chi or meditating (sometimes naked ;)) when the morning sun hits the windows and i have the time. since the place doesn't really have a living room, i was also considering putting my sushi table in the middle of it and surrounding it with pillows (keeping along with the aforementioned decorative plan) and just use it as a guest chill spot. it would also be perfect for a little art studio, where i could place my desk and computer, set up an easel and drafting board, and just hit it when the sun shines in. just standing in that portion of the room, it was so awesome to feel the energy it gives. the rent is only 375 a month, the soon to be former tenant basically said the only bill they have to pay for is electric (which is always between 20 and 50 bucks), there's free wireless in the building, it's only a five minute walk across state and the green to alchemy, and lease is up at the end of may which is also perfect :) :) :) holy fucking shit! here's the money, here's more. i love it! please oh please oh please!! he said he'd talk to his other roomies and see about setting up a time to meet with them after he took down my info... i didn't hear from him yesterday :( i sent him a text this morning basically like "any news on the room? i'm still very interested," but not in any kind of antagonistic or pushy way. i haven't heard back from him yet. i'll call him sometime later tomorrow if he doesn't get back to me. i really hope this can happen.
later that night, i went to see james (and by the way, he's more of a brandy alexander than jack person, sara broke his heart, and i find it really interesting he'd want to be in the carlos projeckt) do one of his regular monday night gigs at cafe nine. we talked about things going on over a guinness and brandy alexander before he went up for his first reading, something involving an old abandoned building where he painted a beautiful portrait of all the people who at one point could and would have resided there, and how his mother told him never to go inside. it reminded me of homeless times. i smoked with him, another poet, and a jolly old cat i'd met a couple other times before at the same weekly event in a graffiti plastered back alleyway, exchanging so many random things from childhood memories to cheesy dead baby jokes. after i smoked a cigarette, i went back in just in time for james to tell me that i was in for a treat. he decided to read a new piece from a book he's putting together called "character assassination," and wow, it really was something to behold. after one sentence, the crowd knew the person he was going to verbally berate, and two sentences in came the first assault from the crowd. former yalie, rape victim, street walker, schizophrenic, addict, penchant for reciting lines from hamlet, explaining the pythagorean theorum, and howling school fight songs to packs of amused but somewhat scared pairs of newcomers from york square to audubon (and trust me, it was much much worse than this) "always the victim" "leave her alone james!" the two movies made about her feeding her egomaniacal nature, empowering her to further live this life off preying off the kindness of others "shut the fuck up james" "seeing life from the streets unleashing words of long deceased icons to pass the day and help you toward your next fix and room for the night does not make you the next gil-scott heron, because i know what you are" "i'm gonna write a poem bashing your sorry ass!" "SHAME!!!!!!" he screamed at the crowd, now silent from his inflection and mulling over the "how we could have done so much better" words we've all heard from judgmental bystanders and close-knit family members. he even had to stop halfway through to tell everyone "hey, c'mon, she pisses me off."
*interlude*
she's pissed me off at one point or another also. who hasn't just been in those moods (not only to bums but to everyone in general) where you just don't want to deal with whatever situation confronts you unnecessarily at a particular moment when something else is on your table? she has really gone a bit downhill, though... and she has had days when her desperation takes over. the night i asked her to walk me home was when i came up on her doing her "alpha beta delta gamma" cheer for some obviously unaware kids from out of town. no telling how long she was there going off, but she started to chase them down the street when they skipped on her. i was about a half block away and stopped her as she crossed my path. i gave her a couple bucks for, you know, "all that work," and asked her to take a walk with me. she said she wanted to take off anyway, because someone down the street was out to get her. she was going down to walgreens to get some medication for that nasty tumor in her gumline above her molars. yeah, it really looked nasty. twenty five dollars. "sure, let's walk down there now and get your medication. that can't be healthy." no, she can't walk with me there. every bum, junkie, and grifter up here has a story to tell and an excuse when they can't back it up. i saw her the next day after having coffee with em. she wouldn't let us go before giving us a show for the money i gave her on behalf of the other kids.
i have to give it to him for that. it takes guts to go onstage and bash such a person. she's someone you don't really have to be a townie to know of, but she is a real new haven institution, a real piece of the city. that night was the first time i'd seen someone get off the stage to near total boos and hisses, only a smattering of sympathetic claps. he wandered into the shunning crowd a bit lost, trying to find a friendly face amongst the bitter vibe. "wow, man. that really was character assassination." ;) the mc calmed everyone down afterward by poking fun at the nature of the serious tone the night had taken, basically complimenting every vegetarian in the crowd due to another poet's (who incidentally was fucking amazing) diatribe which at one point connected bovine growth hormone injections with the hypocrisy of our elected leaders socialio-political values and agendas, before mentioning to everyone the fine selection of meat-based products on the menu (to which the same drunk who "WOOT"ed for the shakespeare lady after james stepped down screamed out his order for a burger with the works). i had a smoke with james, his friend ryan, and another kid outside. he felt the need to explain himself, but there really wasn't any. he's allowed to feel angry. you aren't supposed to hold back in your writing just because your opinion may be unpopular, and while it may not have been a truly positive reaction, his words did bring forth a lot of emotion from the crowd. would he rather everyone just be conversing amongst themselves like they do when someone else is spilling himself? he already told me i wasn't in the book, which really disappointed me. i thought i'd fucked with him enough at times, but he said i'm too much of a genuine, caring soul and i hadn't broken that threshold with him. damn. i didn't realize until later that steve hladun was playing sometime that night, which may have been why i couldn't place the familiarity with some people i noticed. i had enough of the scene a bit before the night was over and had to interrupt some flirting between a couple at the bar to get my bag. "i'm sorry to interrupt honey, but i need to get my bag." "oh, is this yours, we were just safeguarding it between us. sorry to keep you from it" "oh, it's no problem. thanks for keeping it warm for me ;)" "oh, and i stole all your money out of it :D" so, tara? do you think we might have had a "moment" right there? maybe i should track her down online and then call her at home tomorrow just to see if she also felt that "moment" ;P
i ran into someone wonderful for a little while today. we shared stories in view of a bike guarded only by a flower and a cold black coffee, then played around a graveyard like carefee school children. my heart is still racing just thinking about it. all too soon that someone wonderful was gone and who knows when we'll cross paths again, but for that short period we did end up pausing time. it was just the two of us winding the clock of our own little fantasy just enough to stop everything around us for a brief magical moment, and the world revolved around us for a few short minutes before the gears of our fantasy began to slow and reality faded back into view as we headed back to the lives we're still trying to figure out and change. i wish i could find a way to stop time
kelie called me in today to help receive some orders. usually she calls in josh since he also works that night's shift, but she's been very helpful in finding ways for me to get more hours around work once i told her about the whole me needing to get the fuck out of my sister's situation. basically, i spent five hours smoking occasional cigarettes, drinking 180, watching comedy central, checking and signing off on liquor and food deliveries, and recalibrating the security system. it's kind of fun to know where every camera in the place is now and where they're pointed. we still need one pointing into the beer cooler and one in a blowjob stairwell... actually, no nevermind the stairwell. i spent the last hour chilling out up in the office with kelie and josh. i got to listen to her barter down the price of the club's bracelet orders with a representative of the current distributor, minutes after claiming she was going to make him her bitch. the expression on her face was priceless after she hung up :P she has a gift.
i think the whole point of this rant is that i've been able to find a few events that have made me feel up. as the sun set when i left work, i realized how long it had been since i've felt this way, and who knows how long i will. i've missed feeling this way and i wish i could find a way to hold onto it and pull it back in as it begins to sneak away. i don't ever want it to end :)
later that night, i went to see james (and by the way, he's more of a brandy alexander than jack person, sara broke his heart, and i find it really interesting he'd want to be in the carlos projeckt) do one of his regular monday night gigs at cafe nine. we talked about things going on over a guinness and brandy alexander before he went up for his first reading, something involving an old abandoned building where he painted a beautiful portrait of all the people who at one point could and would have resided there, and how his mother told him never to go inside. it reminded me of homeless times. i smoked with him, another poet, and a jolly old cat i'd met a couple other times before at the same weekly event in a graffiti plastered back alleyway, exchanging so many random things from childhood memories to cheesy dead baby jokes. after i smoked a cigarette, i went back in just in time for james to tell me that i was in for a treat. he decided to read a new piece from a book he's putting together called "character assassination," and wow, it really was something to behold. after one sentence, the crowd knew the person he was going to verbally berate, and two sentences in came the first assault from the crowd. former yalie, rape victim, street walker, schizophrenic, addict, penchant for reciting lines from hamlet, explaining the pythagorean theorum, and howling school fight songs to packs of amused but somewhat scared pairs of newcomers from york square to audubon (and trust me, it was much much worse than this) "always the victim" "leave her alone james!" the two movies made about her feeding her egomaniacal nature, empowering her to further live this life off preying off the kindness of others "shut the fuck up james" "seeing life from the streets unleashing words of long deceased icons to pass the day and help you toward your next fix and room for the night does not make you the next gil-scott heron, because i know what you are" "i'm gonna write a poem bashing your sorry ass!" "SHAME!!!!!!" he screamed at the crowd, now silent from his inflection and mulling over the "how we could have done so much better" words we've all heard from judgmental bystanders and close-knit family members. he even had to stop halfway through to tell everyone "hey, c'mon, she pisses me off."
*interlude*
she's pissed me off at one point or another also. who hasn't just been in those moods (not only to bums but to everyone in general) where you just don't want to deal with whatever situation confronts you unnecessarily at a particular moment when something else is on your table? she has really gone a bit downhill, though... and she has had days when her desperation takes over. the night i asked her to walk me home was when i came up on her doing her "alpha beta delta gamma" cheer for some obviously unaware kids from out of town. no telling how long she was there going off, but she started to chase them down the street when they skipped on her. i was about a half block away and stopped her as she crossed my path. i gave her a couple bucks for, you know, "all that work," and asked her to take a walk with me. she said she wanted to take off anyway, because someone down the street was out to get her. she was going down to walgreens to get some medication for that nasty tumor in her gumline above her molars. yeah, it really looked nasty. twenty five dollars. "sure, let's walk down there now and get your medication. that can't be healthy." no, she can't walk with me there. every bum, junkie, and grifter up here has a story to tell and an excuse when they can't back it up. i saw her the next day after having coffee with em. she wouldn't let us go before giving us a show for the money i gave her on behalf of the other kids.
i have to give it to him for that. it takes guts to go onstage and bash such a person. she's someone you don't really have to be a townie to know of, but she is a real new haven institution, a real piece of the city. that night was the first time i'd seen someone get off the stage to near total boos and hisses, only a smattering of sympathetic claps. he wandered into the shunning crowd a bit lost, trying to find a friendly face amongst the bitter vibe. "wow, man. that really was character assassination." ;) the mc calmed everyone down afterward by poking fun at the nature of the serious tone the night had taken, basically complimenting every vegetarian in the crowd due to another poet's (who incidentally was fucking amazing) diatribe which at one point connected bovine growth hormone injections with the hypocrisy of our elected leaders socialio-political values and agendas, before mentioning to everyone the fine selection of meat-based products on the menu (to which the same drunk who "WOOT"ed for the shakespeare lady after james stepped down screamed out his order for a burger with the works). i had a smoke with james, his friend ryan, and another kid outside. he felt the need to explain himself, but there really wasn't any. he's allowed to feel angry. you aren't supposed to hold back in your writing just because your opinion may be unpopular, and while it may not have been a truly positive reaction, his words did bring forth a lot of emotion from the crowd. would he rather everyone just be conversing amongst themselves like they do when someone else is spilling himself? he already told me i wasn't in the book, which really disappointed me. i thought i'd fucked with him enough at times, but he said i'm too much of a genuine, caring soul and i hadn't broken that threshold with him. damn. i didn't realize until later that steve hladun was playing sometime that night, which may have been why i couldn't place the familiarity with some people i noticed. i had enough of the scene a bit before the night was over and had to interrupt some flirting between a couple at the bar to get my bag. "i'm sorry to interrupt honey, but i need to get my bag." "oh, is this yours, we were just safeguarding it between us. sorry to keep you from it" "oh, it's no problem. thanks for keeping it warm for me ;)" "oh, and i stole all your money out of it :D" so, tara? do you think we might have had a "moment" right there? maybe i should track her down online and then call her at home tomorrow just to see if she also felt that "moment" ;P
i ran into someone wonderful for a little while today. we shared stories in view of a bike guarded only by a flower and a cold black coffee, then played around a graveyard like carefee school children. my heart is still racing just thinking about it. all too soon that someone wonderful was gone and who knows when we'll cross paths again, but for that short period we did end up pausing time. it was just the two of us winding the clock of our own little fantasy just enough to stop everything around us for a brief magical moment, and the world revolved around us for a few short minutes before the gears of our fantasy began to slow and reality faded back into view as we headed back to the lives we're still trying to figure out and change. i wish i could find a way to stop time
kelie called me in today to help receive some orders. usually she calls in josh since he also works that night's shift, but she's been very helpful in finding ways for me to get more hours around work once i told her about the whole me needing to get the fuck out of my sister's situation. basically, i spent five hours smoking occasional cigarettes, drinking 180, watching comedy central, checking and signing off on liquor and food deliveries, and recalibrating the security system. it's kind of fun to know where every camera in the place is now and where they're pointed. we still need one pointing into the beer cooler and one in a blowjob stairwell... actually, no nevermind the stairwell. i spent the last hour chilling out up in the office with kelie and josh. i got to listen to her barter down the price of the club's bracelet orders with a representative of the current distributor, minutes after claiming she was going to make him her bitch. the expression on her face was priceless after she hung up :P she has a gift.
i think the whole point of this rant is that i've been able to find a few events that have made me feel up. as the sun set when i left work, i realized how long it had been since i've felt this way, and who knows how long i will. i've missed feeling this way and i wish i could find a way to hold onto it and pull it back in as it begins to sneak away. i don't ever want it to end :)