what a difference a few hours makes
kirstin woke up yesterday morning in a rampage. she was upset over whatever it is she consumes herself with. this morning she decided that i was everything that is wrong in her life. i jumped in the shower and started to get dressed while she huffed and puffed. i planned on cleaning the bathroom floor before i left, because she's made a point about how much she hates the litter being spread around the floor by ollie when he jumps out of the box or what might come off the scooper while cleaning. well she focused her rage on the litter kernels on the bathroom floor and decided that i never clean it at all. i tried telling her that i cleaned it yesterday and was about to clean it before i left, but she was in one of her episodes. everything wrong in her life is because of me, i'm the problem. she tossed the litterbox into the kitchen saying how she was sick of this shit, then she picked up ollie, threw him out the window, and said now the whole world is his litterbox. i looked out to see if he was okay, and he was, pacing back and forth trying to get back in. i didn't yell at her, i tried to talk with her. i was kind of in shock. are you crazy, what the fuck is wrong with you? you are what's wrong with me. so now he's going to die outside in the cold? why don't you go join him, because that's where you belong. i asked her if mocha should go out the window, too. as she said fucking fine. i'd never do that, i couldn't believe what was happening and still she kept on about how much of a fuckup i am and how sick she was with dealing with my shit.
i went outside to go get ollie. her was hiding in some bushes outside along the driveway outside of the window. when i tried to go back inside to get a carrier to put him in, i realized she locked the door on me. i tried calling a bunch of people to see if someone could take him for a while, because i couldn't leave him outside. he wouldn't have survived the night. i even tried calling my mother to see if she could try to calm kirstin down, but she ended up hanging up on her because every word was fuck and shit. i couldn't keep him tucked under my jacket all day so i decided to call animal control. i had no idea where the shelter is, so i asked them to pick him up. it's mandatory procedure now to have a policeman come and file a report for these instances, and i ended up telling them the story. i said my only concern was making sure the cat was safe. he wasn't hurt, and he'd be sheltered, so that was it. the officer told me that she needed to talk to my sister and decide whether or not she should be arrested. no matter how awful sibling feuds can become, things can't go this far. i told her that she'd be alright, she just has episodes like this every once in a while, and that i didn't think arresting would do any good for her or me. i stayed outside and smoked for the first few minutes while she talked to her before going inside to pick up some things, because i figured i couldn't stay there that night. after trying to act as an intermediary, i gave her the deposit to put him in the shelter and she took off after giving a few words of advice.
i came back later that night to pick up a few of emily's belongings that i wanted to drop off. i sat down on the bed, reading my mail and feeling horrible. it doesn't feel like home anymore, even being around by myself. i headed off into the night calling out to people, just looking for some advice. i'm thankful for everyone that was able to lend me an ear. i haven't felt this bad in a long time. tom was there to listen to everything, tell me what was going on back in new smyrna, give me an outside perspective on everything that's been going down up here, even offered a place for me if i'm ever in. james told me i needed to get out of that place as soon as possible and even offered me a spot with him last night. he asked me to come over, relax and talk, then work on finding something tomorrow, but i decided to just go back home.
before i left i ended up leaving a note above my bed readng "this is a no psycho bitch who throws cats out the window zone" and disconnected all of my electronic equipment, because she always abuses it and thinks it's hers to play with whenever she wants. when i came home she had ripped down the sign and posted a "this is a no alcoholic with a deathwish zone" sign and coated my bed with pieces of torn up daytona journal newspapers that my parents sent up to me so i could keep up on the bucs and magic. i threw all the shreds over my shoulder and onto her sleeping body, and she woke up in a rampage. i asked her if tearing up my papers makes everything better now to which she responded by telling me that i'm a fucking alcoholic reject, she's sick of giving me chances, mom's sick of giving me chances, i can forget about the car because i'm not going to get it now, and i'm headed straight for the shelter, because i'm a fuckup. you're the new flower lady. why do on't you fucking go outside were you belong, flower lady. go out in the street with the bums, because you are one. why don't you just sleep at the ymca with all the other fucking junkies like you. you've had six months to do something with yourself up here and you can't do any better than alchemy? even your girlfriend doesn't want to deal with you anymore because you're an alcoholic reject...
that last one hurt
i called my mother and asked her what she said to her. apparently, my sister told her i've been spending my life drinking in drugging constantly and not even caring about her needs or bettering myself. she said she couldn't give me the car anymore because she's convinced i have problems and once i get it i'm going to just end up using it as a place to get stoned or drunk in. i tried telling her that you're getting one side of a story from someone who is psychotic enough to throw my cat out the window, thinks she sees more than she does, has her own drug addictions, serious personal issues, and still makes you pay her phone bill and insurance (which is three times as much as mine would be because she was busted for a dui up here, and i even said i didn't want her to pay my insurance). i told her i couldn't believe this, how much this could have helped me out, but she basically told me to take a bus to get around, fix yourself, and that she loves me, but hates the things i do. this coming from a women who earlier in the day when i called and told her the situation said, "well, you can always take a bus down and live out of your car," when i called her to for advice when ollie was still outside in the cold with me and i knew i couldn't go back to my sisters. jesus my family is psychotic. or just a little sick.
em called me this morning and asked me to meet her for breakfast. i haven't eaten in a while and didn't get any sleep last night. i was waiting for her in the alley by the rainbow cafe, drinking a coffee when i had a fit of nausea and puked my guts up into a trashcan. maybe the stress, maybe the lack of food. i was hoping she wouldn't walk up while it was happening, because that would have made a great impression. i went down to the deli and cleaned myself up. she greeted me with a really warm hug, kiss, and beaming smile. she looked so beautiful. we sat and chatted in a diner for about an hour about a lot of things. i really needed that. it was nice to be able to see her face, feel her touch, talk like we always did, confess so many things, and offer some promise. i think i know what i need to do now.
i've searched around a few places in the area for apartments and contacted some people searching for roommates. i'm sure i'll find something soon, and i'm feeling very hopeful. the sooner i'm out of that place, i can begin to focus more on myself and what i need to do in my life. i was foolish to think i could count on family for this, to expect consideration when i give it, because i shouldn't expect anyone to show me the same love and generosity i'd afford them... i always figured family to be the exception. i need to focus more on myself, do more for myself, because it's becoming more apparent that i'm the only one who has enough faith in myself to make a difference.
woot
new haven, baby
i went outside to go get ollie. her was hiding in some bushes outside along the driveway outside of the window. when i tried to go back inside to get a carrier to put him in, i realized she locked the door on me. i tried calling a bunch of people to see if someone could take him for a while, because i couldn't leave him outside. he wouldn't have survived the night. i even tried calling my mother to see if she could try to calm kirstin down, but she ended up hanging up on her because every word was fuck and shit. i couldn't keep him tucked under my jacket all day so i decided to call animal control. i had no idea where the shelter is, so i asked them to pick him up. it's mandatory procedure now to have a policeman come and file a report for these instances, and i ended up telling them the story. i said my only concern was making sure the cat was safe. he wasn't hurt, and he'd be sheltered, so that was it. the officer told me that she needed to talk to my sister and decide whether or not she should be arrested. no matter how awful sibling feuds can become, things can't go this far. i told her that she'd be alright, she just has episodes like this every once in a while, and that i didn't think arresting would do any good for her or me. i stayed outside and smoked for the first few minutes while she talked to her before going inside to pick up some things, because i figured i couldn't stay there that night. after trying to act as an intermediary, i gave her the deposit to put him in the shelter and she took off after giving a few words of advice.
i came back later that night to pick up a few of emily's belongings that i wanted to drop off. i sat down on the bed, reading my mail and feeling horrible. it doesn't feel like home anymore, even being around by myself. i headed off into the night calling out to people, just looking for some advice. i'm thankful for everyone that was able to lend me an ear. i haven't felt this bad in a long time. tom was there to listen to everything, tell me what was going on back in new smyrna, give me an outside perspective on everything that's been going down up here, even offered a place for me if i'm ever in. james told me i needed to get out of that place as soon as possible and even offered me a spot with him last night. he asked me to come over, relax and talk, then work on finding something tomorrow, but i decided to just go back home.
before i left i ended up leaving a note above my bed readng "this is a no psycho bitch who throws cats out the window zone" and disconnected all of my electronic equipment, because she always abuses it and thinks it's hers to play with whenever she wants. when i came home she had ripped down the sign and posted a "this is a no alcoholic with a deathwish zone" sign and coated my bed with pieces of torn up daytona journal newspapers that my parents sent up to me so i could keep up on the bucs and magic. i threw all the shreds over my shoulder and onto her sleeping body, and she woke up in a rampage. i asked her if tearing up my papers makes everything better now to which she responded by telling me that i'm a fucking alcoholic reject, she's sick of giving me chances, mom's sick of giving me chances, i can forget about the car because i'm not going to get it now, and i'm headed straight for the shelter, because i'm a fuckup. you're the new flower lady. why do on't you fucking go outside were you belong, flower lady. go out in the street with the bums, because you are one. why don't you just sleep at the ymca with all the other fucking junkies like you. you've had six months to do something with yourself up here and you can't do any better than alchemy? even your girlfriend doesn't want to deal with you anymore because you're an alcoholic reject...
that last one hurt
i called my mother and asked her what she said to her. apparently, my sister told her i've been spending my life drinking in drugging constantly and not even caring about her needs or bettering myself. she said she couldn't give me the car anymore because she's convinced i have problems and once i get it i'm going to just end up using it as a place to get stoned or drunk in. i tried telling her that you're getting one side of a story from someone who is psychotic enough to throw my cat out the window, thinks she sees more than she does, has her own drug addictions, serious personal issues, and still makes you pay her phone bill and insurance (which is three times as much as mine would be because she was busted for a dui up here, and i even said i didn't want her to pay my insurance). i told her i couldn't believe this, how much this could have helped me out, but she basically told me to take a bus to get around, fix yourself, and that she loves me, but hates the things i do. this coming from a women who earlier in the day when i called and told her the situation said, "well, you can always take a bus down and live out of your car," when i called her to for advice when ollie was still outside in the cold with me and i knew i couldn't go back to my sisters. jesus my family is psychotic. or just a little sick.
em called me this morning and asked me to meet her for breakfast. i haven't eaten in a while and didn't get any sleep last night. i was waiting for her in the alley by the rainbow cafe, drinking a coffee when i had a fit of nausea and puked my guts up into a trashcan. maybe the stress, maybe the lack of food. i was hoping she wouldn't walk up while it was happening, because that would have made a great impression. i went down to the deli and cleaned myself up. she greeted me with a really warm hug, kiss, and beaming smile. she looked so beautiful. we sat and chatted in a diner for about an hour about a lot of things. i really needed that. it was nice to be able to see her face, feel her touch, talk like we always did, confess so many things, and offer some promise. i think i know what i need to do now.
i've searched around a few places in the area for apartments and contacted some people searching for roommates. i'm sure i'll find something soon, and i'm feeling very hopeful. the sooner i'm out of that place, i can begin to focus more on myself and what i need to do in my life. i was foolish to think i could count on family for this, to expect consideration when i give it, because i shouldn't expect anyone to show me the same love and generosity i'd afford them... i always figured family to be the exception. i need to focus more on myself, do more for myself, because it's becoming more apparent that i'm the only one who has enough faith in myself to make a difference.
woot
new haven, baby