Apr 24, 2006 12:57
Is it possible for someone to be TOO nice? Too caring? Too loving and in touch with others emotions and needs? I'm beginning to DEFINATELY feel that I may be that person that cares far too much. I've been told it many times through my life but shrugged it off as a compliment or something but I'm beginning to see it as a problem. Ray told me this not too long ago. Saying I'm worried far too much about Owen's feelings. At the time I shrugged it off cause things weren't too bad. Then Lisa said it after events occured and I started thinking.. I'm being really forgiving.. and the more I let him off the hook.. the more I hurt.. I mean obviously I dont' want to hurt him.. but if he's hurting me is it fair to hurt him? Is it far to do unto others as they do unto you? Or is there a point where its not ok? I mean.. I know that if he hurts me.. I shouldnt' kill him. He's done nothting to emotionally scar me or anything, just kinda freaking me out and hurting my feeligns cause I'm so freaked out about hurting him. I dont' think he's actually done anything to me directly other than a few things. Or am I letting my compassion for others feeligns blind the truth? What if he's using my feelings against me? Is it intentional? Is he TRYING to hurt me? I have no way to tell... I want to know. I really do. Would someone really be that mean as to use something against me that way? I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to make him cry again. I dont' want him to think that he doesn't ahve a chance w/ any girl whatsoever... but what can I do? I dont' love him. He's willing to wait forever for me. Walk on glass. Tear the skin from his bones. But he's not willing to let go? He says he is. But if this were the case... he would have. I know how hard it is to let go from someone you love. But he can't love me. He doesnt' know me. I doubt he knows my favorite color. Or animal. Or the town I grew up in. I mean these aren't required to love someone. When you love someoen you learn something new about them everytime you talk/spend time together. But... he's known me for a month. Its infatuation. I mean... look at ajay. I believed him when he said he loved me after only 3 days. Look where it left me. ... His intentions .. ugh. I dont' know. I don't want that again. And Owen is just too much like ajay. I can't do that. I miss dustin and I want him back and thats the end of it. I mean... who's to say Mr. Perfect won't come along and sweep me off my feet. But who's also to say that Dustin isn't it? It wouldn't be fair for me to start a relationship knowing full and well that I may cut it off to be w/ Dustin again, right? I mean.. it sounds foolish and fairy-tale ish cause I'm not one for long distance... but Dustin is different. Its just... I dont' know what to do. I dont' know how to make someone let me go. I can't force him. And I can't do anything to hurt him. I dont' want to be hated. I dont' want to hurt. I don't want to be the reason someone cries.. I mean.. despite the facade I hold around my father, I cant' help but feel like shit for talking back to him. I can only imagine what its like being stuck in that house all day w/ no one but Lucy. How fustrating it is not to be able to simple things without having to make so many precautions. I would never be able to sit there at a computer screen staring at one page for 10 minutes just to read a sentence. Or try to read. Then spend another 10 minutes trying to respond. I spend so much of my life doing things. I wouldnt' be able to handle slowing it down... and my dad used to be the same way as me. Always getting soemthing down. Working on his train set... I'm sure he misses that thing... why can't I be mean? When I read about someone being murdered in the news... I help but feel immense sorrow for every party involved.... Alot of people are for the death sentence when it comes to murder criminals... and I dont' get it. In my mind... Yes. They killed. But by killing the murderer.. you're just making their murder legal. No one has the right to take another's life EVER. No one has the right to manipulate lives. Let them rot in a prison cell... but then.. i feel bad.. cause then.. what if they weren't the real murderer.. they have to feel the loss of their own family cause they were taken from them.... or what if the murderer wasnt' psychologically stable... and now.. their life is gone.. but they cant' be on the streets..
How does my mind work? Honestly... I mean... ugh. I think too much. I feel too much. I carry too much emotion. And the only reason i started this blog is cause I just want Owen to let go... because I still love Dustin... Bianca and Kareon both say that I'm too sweet too.... is it true? Possible? That someone could REALLY be too sweet?
Whats a girl to do..