Unspeakable...
I'm sick of this i really fucking am. Ok ok I know I haven't posted in FOREVER... and I'm sorry to you all for not positng in so long its just.. life.. was.. too much. I don't like posting here. Everything thinks i'm a drama queen looking for attention and all this fucking bull... but I dont' care. i need to let it out and my myspace blog was down so here. I'm gonna complain and bitch, and you're all gonna read it and then tell me to deal w/ it and life sucks. But fuck you to any of you who say that. just in advance. Lets see.. the last thing you heard from me was..... oh yeah. Ajay and I on break. he still loves me i love him and all that fucking bull shit. Ok. so. Heres the deal. He left me. It wasn'ta fucking break... it was him leaving me.. all his 'i still love you' and 'i still wanna be with you' crap was fucking bull shit. He cried to me ... TO ME one night bout how honna said she's never love him again and how badly he was hurt and how he didnt' want to live and he'd never love again..... Why the fuck did he tell me? the next day he asked me out. And of course I still love him but i'm hurting like hell and dont' trust him for a minute so i said no. But he persists.. keeps asking... I tell him i'm w/ Ray.. which I was.. but i wasn't happy w/ ray so that only lasted a month.. and then i ws like.. maybe i'll go back to ajay.. he is ok w/ the idea.. doesn't really care... ok. whatev. date roland for five days. break it off. meet this guy stephen, talk to him daily, find out i'm his gf Oo dunno how that happened but whatever. Come last friday i'm supposedly w/ stephen for a couple of days now (still confused as to that one) and ajay texts me... 'i have something to tell you. now or after class?" "after class" "ok, talk to you then" ... round... 7 or 8 o'clock i get a message from ajay "i have a girlfriend" "ok, i'm happy for you" blah blah blah then i accidently called him, he tried calling back, i ignored and he was like "you wouldn't wanna talk to me anyhow" "not realy, i'm telling my friend why i'm crying" "sorry for making you cry' "it wasn't just you" "i was part if it tho" "yeah.. well.. whatever" "sorry" "doesn't matter, i'm chatting" "w/ who?" "friends.. i'm at a friends house." "oh. sorry for ruining it. i may die tonight so it all evens out." "... why?" "the rain that went through caused a lot of accidents. I am going to my dads." "oh well.. drive careful, k hun?" "still calling me hun? I thought you'd hate you" "dont' hate you, just hurt" "it could be worse" "how?" "Yeah, i could be an ass or rubb who she is in your face" "Honna..." (girl he cheated on me w/) "yeah i didn't wanna say it" then he broke down (car) and said ttyl but i added "just an fyi... i think thats the lowest blow you could have dealt... but be happy.. and don't hurt her k?" and i was being sincere.. but he took it the wrong way. "You know what? Fuck you. I was tryign to be nice. but i can play that way. She's made me more happy in the past week than you ever made me in hte past year and a half, and is so perfect i have literally forgotten every single moment with you. As far as i'm concerned, we never happened. I want all my stuff back, including the wireless card for the pc."
At that point i threw the fucking phone across the room. cause that hurt like HELL... *sighs* so then.. next day talk to him online, things are ok between us. But that wasn't the end of that night. OH NO cause i can not be happy ever NOT ALLOWED so stephen asks me an hour or so later if we can talk so we go outside and he's like "so.. are we gonna.. keep trying.. or just be friends.. i know you said you don't know what you want.. but i need to know." What.. The... HELL!? >_< So not only does he mention the fact i said i dont' know.. he proceeds to tell me he needs an answer.. And on top of that I though we had straightened things out just a few hours earlier. So here I am.. completely at a lose of words.. so i'm just talking trying to straighten out my thoughts and not break down crying cause i'm completely clueless... and he said "maybe we should just break it off." lets go of me.. and walks inside... So of course i break down crying, curl up into a ball leaning against the wall of the house, digging my nails into my palms and all that jazz... he comes back later (luckily it was before i got up the nerve to run.. a minute later i woulda been gone) pries my hands away from my face ... and we start talking again.. just as i begin to calm down and think it might work.. I try to kiss him. bad idea. he turns away. Go me. So then of course i break down crying at the rejection to the point where he had to pick me up and put me on the car cause i didn't want to stand anymore.. and i finally get up... and just start admitting all kinds of crap.. my low self esteem and confidence and respect... and just... realizing all my fears of rejection and abandonment.. and i'm just.. talking and he kisses me.... so of course i kiss him back.. and decide to hell w/ my fears... i need to try this relationship thing.
So back to ajay. next day we're talking. all is well. Sunday. Heres where it gets sticky. Go me. Ok so we're talking about .. something.. and he tells me he's a virgin. and I laugh and i'm like "yeah, right, to hell you are." and we get into this discussion on how he's never slept w/ anyone and i'm like "what the hell.. we slept together.." and gave him some examples of those times and told him exactly how he WASN'T a virgin... and he kept telling me he was.... Apparently we never happened. He regrets ever doing anythign w/ me and he wouldnt' do it again... So of course I'm in so much pain that I just want to get hit by a car... and i'm trying like hell not to hurt myself (which of course fails) so then.. i'm like... trying to reason w/ him.. but he says he wouldn't do it again cause every time he thinks bout it he remembers what I did to him (apparently i cheated on him at somepoint too Oo yeah... don't know) ~don't know what i did to him either then try like hell to keep him and get him back~ and then he hates me.. So we never happened. He's a virgin and all the wonderful memories i have of us.. of the first person i ever loved and slept with.. are all in my head... because i was unwanted.. and thats how i feel.. alone and abandoned and unwanted and useless. i cant' do anything. i can't drive i can't get organized... i can't do anything for myself... i'm stuck in this endless circle... of nothingness
I don't know. But all i know is i'm fucking sick of being so depressed....
like.. i'm naseous and tired and just... i'm sick of hurting physically and emotionally i'm sick of it all and if somethign doesn't go right soon.. i'm gonna loose it....
*sighs* Thank you.. to those who read it.. and understood .. and don't think i'm a raving lunatic or a fucktard looking for pity... hopefully i'll be in a better mood soon.. but for now.. it feels good to let it out for a change.
At that point i threw the fucking phone across the room. cause that hurt like HELL... *sighs* so then.. next day talk to him online, things are ok between us. But that wasn't the end of that night. OH NO cause i can not be happy ever NOT ALLOWED so stephen asks me an hour or so later if we can talk so we go outside and he's like "so.. are we gonna.. keep trying.. or just be friends.. i know you said you don't know what you want.. but i need to know." What.. The... HELL!? >_< So not only does he mention the fact i said i dont' know.. he proceeds to tell me he needs an answer.. And on top of that I though we had straightened things out just a few hours earlier. So here I am.. completely at a lose of words.. so i'm just talking trying to straighten out my thoughts and not break down crying cause i'm completely clueless... and he said "maybe we should just break it off." lets go of me.. and walks inside... So of course i break down crying, curl up into a ball leaning against the wall of the house, digging my nails into my palms and all that jazz... he comes back later (luckily it was before i got up the nerve to run.. a minute later i woulda been gone) pries my hands away from my face ... and we start talking again.. just as i begin to calm down and think it might work.. I try to kiss him. bad idea. he turns away. Go me. So then of course i break down crying at the rejection to the point where he had to pick me up and put me on the car cause i didn't want to stand anymore.. and i finally get up... and just start admitting all kinds of crap.. my low self esteem and confidence and respect... and just... realizing all my fears of rejection and abandonment.. and i'm just.. talking and he kisses me.... so of course i kiss him back.. and decide to hell w/ my fears... i need to try this relationship thing.
So back to ajay. next day we're talking. all is well. Sunday. Heres where it gets sticky. Go me. Ok so we're talking about .. something.. and he tells me he's a virgin. and I laugh and i'm like "yeah, right, to hell you are." and we get into this discussion on how he's never slept w/ anyone and i'm like "what the hell.. we slept together.." and gave him some examples of those times and told him exactly how he WASN'T a virgin... and he kept telling me he was.... Apparently we never happened. He regrets ever doing anythign w/ me and he wouldnt' do it again... So of course I'm in so much pain that I just want to get hit by a car... and i'm trying like hell not to hurt myself (which of course fails) so then.. i'm like... trying to reason w/ him.. but he says he wouldn't do it again cause every time he thinks bout it he remembers what I did to him (apparently i cheated on him at somepoint too Oo yeah... don't know) ~don't know what i did to him either then try like hell to keep him and get him back~ and then he hates me.. So we never happened. He's a virgin and all the wonderful memories i have of us.. of the first person i ever loved and slept with.. are all in my head... because i was unwanted.. and thats how i feel.. alone and abandoned and unwanted and useless. i cant' do anything. i can't drive i can't get organized... i can't do anything for myself... i'm stuck in this endless circle... of nothingness
I don't know. But all i know is i'm fucking sick of being so depressed....
like.. i'm naseous and tired and just... i'm sick of hurting physically and emotionally i'm sick of it all and if somethign doesn't go right soon.. i'm gonna loose it....
*sighs* Thank you.. to those who read it.. and understood .. and don't think i'm a raving lunatic or a fucktard looking for pity... hopefully i'll be in a better mood soon.. but for now.. it feels good to let it out for a change.