i had a friend who changed his name, but couldn't change himself...
And it's strange, and it's quieting down (because truly, you can only think about someone *so* much when you don't know when you'll see them again, when you don't know if they hate your guts [i don't think she does, but... who knows. i acted like an ass, but before that, we were 'talkin' story' for at least 2 days straight. it was easy, it was chill, it was cool; it flowed, and she calmed me the FUKK down in a way that beth did/does/did/does/[?] just by talking, just by being.. there, and oh! for a minute, she stroked my hair, just for a minute.. after i'd been near-hysterical in the bathroom, locked in there, looking for a razor blade (sometimes, it helps. i don't do that anymore, truly...) - it was like melting... but my heart, my soul, my psyche, my spirit is trying valiantly to simply PAY ATTENTION, to be grateful for EVERY little thing, EVERY little occurrence, lesson, transpiration, exhalation, person i meet: 'i will be grateful for this day, i will be grateful for each day to come...' so that if'n when i meet The Beloved [other than the gods and goddesses whom i have met on The Way], i'll be ready. i'll be comfortable with myself, i'll be able to breathe through ANYTHING: the worst days full of razors and nights full of rats - comforting MYSELF in the depths of my gut, because it's been SO LONG since i went to sleep with someone, since someone held me, since someone just let me cry in their arms (except for my mother), and told me it was going to be alright, even if it wasn't - even if that was the biggest lie they ever told.
and so, i smile into the darkness, and can only shake my head, marvel, and smile at the circuitous nature of absolutely EVERYTHING - from a friend's baby's due date is the same day as the death date of her first daughter; to falling so deep, deep, deep into another woman's soul, to running away b/c her husband got her pregnant (the one thing i could never, ever do...) to the middle of the ocean - and THEN!! and THEN!! i have a dream about a girl, back in january - a girl with beautiful, beautiful, flowing, long curly-ass hair, dark blonde, smiling... i met that girl. she's [the first one's] roommate, and she is just about engaged to be married right now, more or less because she got knocked up... she stroked my hair, for just a minute, and it was like melting... then, she made me watch Kymatica on her laptop, when my chest was still heaving with sobs, a little bit: 'i want you to see something... tell me what you think..' i said afterwards that that day, EVERYTHING in the universe fell into place. :)
she told me she was pregnant, last tuesday(ish) on FB; this is how we all find out everything nowadays, and especially from a girl i just met, but dreamed about months and months ago. a girl i fell in love with, from the first full day or so of 'talk story,' just me and her, while the others were at work. she changed her relationship status to 'engaged' (prometida, in my espanol FB), and the necklace that she gave me broke shortly thereafter: like, a matter of hours. it's just 'fake' metal, ultimately made out of plastic, like everything in this world, but it was solid enough that i said, 'this thing is going to save my life someday...' it's the maori symbol for protection, serenity, power, wisdom... and so, and so, and so. i don't know what that all means quite yet, but the circles just keep getting wider and wider. she told me when we were walking through the diag in ann arbor that she always kept looking for someone to just... take her away on an adventure, and so she always had to pay attention to people... too.fukkin.cute. i said, 'let's go.' it just blurted out of my mouth, and i was dead serious; i assume she heard, but didn't respond. and so, and so, and so.
the one and only thing i can never do for a woman: give her new Life, get her 'knocked up,' 'father' a child... be the Other Parent. and so, the Loves (and mind you, there aren't many TrUe ones...) split through my fingers, and i pack up a big ol' backpack in the middle of manic nights, and hop buses, stick out thumbs, walk down the runway to waiting planes. and keep moving - not to run away from this unending Loneliness, this solitude, but maybe...
.. to get to the point where even my HEART chakra doesn't matter so much anymore. i am getting there, i have been for a while, with my 2nd (sex) one - it's impossible to dwell there, energy-wise, when i can't ever get laid/make love/be made love to. so, the energy is flowing upwards... i can get to the 7th (the one above one's head), but only for 10-15 seconds. Blissed out, blissed out, blissssseeddd ouuuutt. Sun Helps. :)
and so, i smile into the darkness, and can only shake my head, marvel, and smile at the circuitous nature of absolutely EVERYTHING - from a friend's baby's due date is the same day as the death date of her first daughter; to falling so deep, deep, deep into another woman's soul, to running away b/c her husband got her pregnant (the one thing i could never, ever do...) to the middle of the ocean - and THEN!! and THEN!! i have a dream about a girl, back in january - a girl with beautiful, beautiful, flowing, long curly-ass hair, dark blonde, smiling... i met that girl. she's [the first one's] roommate, and she is just about engaged to be married right now, more or less because she got knocked up... she stroked my hair, for just a minute, and it was like melting... then, she made me watch Kymatica on her laptop, when my chest was still heaving with sobs, a little bit: 'i want you to see something... tell me what you think..' i said afterwards that that day, EVERYTHING in the universe fell into place. :)
she told me she was pregnant, last tuesday(ish) on FB; this is how we all find out everything nowadays, and especially from a girl i just met, but dreamed about months and months ago. a girl i fell in love with, from the first full day or so of 'talk story,' just me and her, while the others were at work. she changed her relationship status to 'engaged' (prometida, in my espanol FB), and the necklace that she gave me broke shortly thereafter: like, a matter of hours. it's just 'fake' metal, ultimately made out of plastic, like everything in this world, but it was solid enough that i said, 'this thing is going to save my life someday...' it's the maori symbol for protection, serenity, power, wisdom... and so, and so, and so. i don't know what that all means quite yet, but the circles just keep getting wider and wider. she told me when we were walking through the diag in ann arbor that she always kept looking for someone to just... take her away on an adventure, and so she always had to pay attention to people... too.fukkin.cute. i said, 'let's go.' it just blurted out of my mouth, and i was dead serious; i assume she heard, but didn't respond. and so, and so, and so.
the one and only thing i can never do for a woman: give her new Life, get her 'knocked up,' 'father' a child... be the Other Parent. and so, the Loves (and mind you, there aren't many TrUe ones...) split through my fingers, and i pack up a big ol' backpack in the middle of manic nights, and hop buses, stick out thumbs, walk down the runway to waiting planes. and keep moving - not to run away from this unending Loneliness, this solitude, but maybe...
.. to get to the point where even my HEART chakra doesn't matter so much anymore. i am getting there, i have been for a while, with my 2nd (sex) one - it's impossible to dwell there, energy-wise, when i can't ever get laid/make love/be made love to. so, the energy is flowing upwards... i can get to the 7th (the one above one's head), but only for 10-15 seconds. Blissed out, blissed out, blissssseeddd ouuuutt. Sun Helps. :)