(no subject)
Awash with a rollicking nostalgia, which can get strong enough that i start drinking.
but i breathe through it, because i've gone through it numerous times
[i can still tick them off on my fingers, the Leavings, but it takes a bit more time, now],
and shall go through it forever. i shall never settle, i shall never cease moving, i shall never
stop exploring: these globe-trotting longings shall be thrown an infernal monkey wrench within
a matter of years [if that] by an inability for humans to simply hop a plane and jet across the
World; the wanderings will have to be done on foot and by boat
[if there is any World left to explore], but my foot are strong and forever calloused,
and i can live with practically Nothing as it stands now.
the waves wash over me, these waves of emotion, of near-panic, because i stand at the edge of these Cliffs
always alone, stuck with nothing but sacred longings on the tip of my tongue:
i want to go to macchu pichu [sp?]. i want to go to certain parts of europe: italia, my motherland,
greece [to witness the gods of old]. i want to go to morocco, for some reason... an inexplicable pull.
i want to go to thailand. i need to go to india.
but these things cannot be spoken, not yet, perhaps not ever: an attempt to travel the world cannot be
rectified in the eyes of anyone around me. i envision cities burning, streets silent, grocery stores looted
and past empty; bob marley's 'real situation' playing in my ears.
yet, these leavings are always hard, and Buddha, or perhaps simply His ancient teachings, whispers in my ear:
it's all impermanent. it will all burn. it will all fade away. the memories remain, but i bring the people into and out of your life for a certain duration, and for a certain reason. occasionally, and often, they will return to you, to pop up out of the gossamer of nowheres, such as a random anonymous LJ comment, for a certain reason, or walking past each other in a city bus terminal 1200 miles from the original meeting.
surf these waves, and just be patient. just have Faith; it is carved into your arm for a reason, as well:
you asked for it. watch ALL of it, and let it guide you, let it take you to where you need to be. you will get there. and then my heart calms down, and my head stops spinning, and my chest stops balking at whatever is coming. just as my father asked me 4 years ago, when i was headed to hawai'i, to the middle of the ocean: 'don't you get scared?' 'yeah, sure... but you simply take it one minute at a time, and in that specific minute... nothing can go wrong. that's how i view it...'
and perhaps it didn't make sense to him, because for those who have not lived through it, it won't make any sense. it never could. i could never expect it to. but that is the best answer i can give him. these... quests... these... pilgrimages... are something that cannot be spoken of, at least not to one's parents (and off my brain goes again; giggidy jaggedy...). it is Spirit, it is searching, it is pilgrimage. it is the journey to Mecca. all my strivings are for the Holy Lands of the world, to see each and every one, to feel and experience each and every culture's ideas of what God/Jehovah/Jah/Yahweh is. and then, perhaps to throw them all away... but to touch, taste, smell, see everything... such has ALWAYS been my Quest.
and a love, but the love is to come later, because life is too rocky, too transitional, because i am almost certain i am surfing the waves of the Galactic Alignment; THAT energy, THAT anticipation, THAT. i can't slow down, and i can't speed up - i am carried by the waves of something big, Big, BIg, BIG, and there is nothing logical or rational [to da babylon system] that can be done about it. but i'm making maps in my head, i am perpetually making maps in my head. and i am learning how to trust another person again, to just simply BE with another person, and be completely and utterly happy and at peace. to give her quizzical, bemused looks, to which she says, 'what?!' and i just smile and say, 'nothing...' but mostly, i am simply falling into another woman, and THAT idea, THOSE thoughts, of what this is going to do to her when i leave...makes me balk, squinch my eyes shut, and wish it all not so for the briefest of moments. but then i go back to biting my lip and thinking of what she made me feel [holy.fukkin.shit] the other morning... and truly, it is not just the sex - i don't have the patience, nor the time, nor the energy, for THAT. i miss lovemaking, i miss falling completely into another person, and with her... wow. it leaves me holding my breath, and marveling at little things, at the comfort of being with her. and batting away how rough it's going to be leaving her; even after 72 hours of not seeing her, i was edgy with anticipation...
but we let that, along with everything else, Rest. we breathe in, we breathe out, and we can try only to transmit that Peace Which Surpasses All Understanding on to those around us... Praise Jah, fori
but i breathe through it, because i've gone through it numerous times
[i can still tick them off on my fingers, the Leavings, but it takes a bit more time, now],
and shall go through it forever. i shall never settle, i shall never cease moving, i shall never
stop exploring: these globe-trotting longings shall be thrown an infernal monkey wrench within
a matter of years [if that] by an inability for humans to simply hop a plane and jet across the
World; the wanderings will have to be done on foot and by boat
[if there is any World left to explore], but my foot are strong and forever calloused,
and i can live with practically Nothing as it stands now.
the waves wash over me, these waves of emotion, of near-panic, because i stand at the edge of these Cliffs
always alone, stuck with nothing but sacred longings on the tip of my tongue:
i want to go to macchu pichu [sp?]. i want to go to certain parts of europe: italia, my motherland,
greece [to witness the gods of old]. i want to go to morocco, for some reason... an inexplicable pull.
i want to go to thailand. i need to go to india.
but these things cannot be spoken, not yet, perhaps not ever: an attempt to travel the world cannot be
rectified in the eyes of anyone around me. i envision cities burning, streets silent, grocery stores looted
and past empty; bob marley's 'real situation' playing in my ears.
yet, these leavings are always hard, and Buddha, or perhaps simply His ancient teachings, whispers in my ear:
it's all impermanent. it will all burn. it will all fade away. the memories remain, but i bring the people into and out of your life for a certain duration, and for a certain reason. occasionally, and often, they will return to you, to pop up out of the gossamer of nowheres, such as a random anonymous LJ comment, for a certain reason, or walking past each other in a city bus terminal 1200 miles from the original meeting.
surf these waves, and just be patient. just have Faith; it is carved into your arm for a reason, as well:
you asked for it. watch ALL of it, and let it guide you, let it take you to where you need to be. you will get there. and then my heart calms down, and my head stops spinning, and my chest stops balking at whatever is coming. just as my father asked me 4 years ago, when i was headed to hawai'i, to the middle of the ocean: 'don't you get scared?' 'yeah, sure... but you simply take it one minute at a time, and in that specific minute... nothing can go wrong. that's how i view it...'
and perhaps it didn't make sense to him, because for those who have not lived through it, it won't make any sense. it never could. i could never expect it to. but that is the best answer i can give him. these... quests... these... pilgrimages... are something that cannot be spoken of, at least not to one's parents (and off my brain goes again; giggidy jaggedy...). it is Spirit, it is searching, it is pilgrimage. it is the journey to Mecca. all my strivings are for the Holy Lands of the world, to see each and every one, to feel and experience each and every culture's ideas of what God/Jehovah/Jah/Yahweh is. and then, perhaps to throw them all away... but to touch, taste, smell, see everything... such has ALWAYS been my Quest.
and a love, but the love is to come later, because life is too rocky, too transitional, because i am almost certain i am surfing the waves of the Galactic Alignment; THAT energy, THAT anticipation, THAT. i can't slow down, and i can't speed up - i am carried by the waves of something big, Big, BIg, BIG, and there is nothing logical or rational [to da babylon system] that can be done about it. but i'm making maps in my head, i am perpetually making maps in my head. and i am learning how to trust another person again, to just simply BE with another person, and be completely and utterly happy and at peace. to give her quizzical, bemused looks, to which she says, 'what?!' and i just smile and say, 'nothing...' but mostly, i am simply falling into another woman, and THAT idea, THOSE thoughts, of what this is going to do to her when i leave...makes me balk, squinch my eyes shut, and wish it all not so for the briefest of moments. but then i go back to biting my lip and thinking of what she made me feel [holy.fukkin.shit] the other morning... and truly, it is not just the sex - i don't have the patience, nor the time, nor the energy, for THAT. i miss lovemaking, i miss falling completely into another person, and with her... wow. it leaves me holding my breath, and marveling at little things, at the comfort of being with her. and batting away how rough it's going to be leaving her; even after 72 hours of not seeing her, i was edgy with anticipation...
but we let that, along with everything else, Rest. we breathe in, we breathe out, and we can try only to transmit that Peace Which Surpasses All Understanding on to those around us... Praise Jah, fori