(no subject)
I'm getting 'better,' slowly, but surely. Granted, I HATE the work that I am doing - Buddha's admonitions about right livelihood reverberate through my head on a daily basis, and i know, within my heart of hearts, what i feel about the terribly destructive things that humanity's voracious appetite for consumption is doing to the planet as a whole. i HATE cars, and it wasn't until i actually began working at ADAC that red's words that he was helping make something he hates actually ring true in mine own life. i try to think of some ultimate end goal, but there is nothing but a big blank, a clean slate, a vacuous void - there is nothing to keep me going, save the fact that that is what i must currently do. i know i'll come up with something, eventually - i always do, and there are many, many things left on my list of 'things to do with my life;' almost all of which involve travel and new experiences (for i falsely believed that working in a school would always be a given, so that was not included; that was etched not on a computer screen, but in my heart of hearts...). the first week and a half, or even two weeks, that i was there, i didn't say near even a damn WORD to anybody - so stutter-stuck and tongue-tied have i been, so haunted by my own inadequacies that i was afraid that if i were to open my mouth, a torrent of complaints and freak-outs would be the only thing that would be emitted. yet, now, i am slowly healing... i still have no Faith, i still have no Hope, i still have no Love, only infinite fucking regret. but my mouth is beginning to work again, and little snippets are coming out with select individuals - one step at a time...
there's this wonderful little dyke girl that works there; her name's joni, and the first time i saw her, i was like, 'aww, helll...' - if for no other reason than that it's been sooo long since i've had a crush on anyone, and i refuse to fall for straight girls, ever, ever again (see, melissa's getting a little smarter, eh?!?). now, i know that nothing's ever going to happen with her, she's 20, self-assured as all hell (although the vast majority of people, once you chip away at the layers, really AREN'T), but it's still nice, in some strange way - i woke up every morning for four straight months in a state of sheer and unmitigated panic, every.single.day, and i thought it was never, ever going to go away. certainly, it will return, truly, it is always looming just below the surface, but this... but this is nice, i think. i spent the weekend with her, pretty much (and justin and anna) - stole da mama's car on friday night, got to her house about 2, and promptly got drrrunnnkkkk as hell with T.J., justin, anna, and T.J's girlfriend (whose name escapes me); it was fun actually hanging out with people. granted, the alcohol mitigates my ability to be with people/hang out/talk (someday i'll be able to do these things while sober... that is my dream! hehe), but... it was nice. i got home saturday morning around 6 a.m., my mama definitely was on to the fact that i stole the car, because the brother decided he needed to go snowboarding at 5 a.m., and alerted her to my absence... balls. hung over as FUCK all day saturday, but was texting joni allll day long, our texts getting more and more ridiculously...something, i'm not quite sure what the adjective would be, at this point, but... yeah. crashed out at around 8, with the help of exedrin PMs, then woke up at 1 a.m., started texting her again, and she had her cousin come get me at around 3 (a.m.). went to grand haven to go pick up work clothes or some nonsense, then back to joni's and watched movies til somewhere around 8 a.m., when it was finally time to go to sleep. :)
---OK. i gotta start drinking some wine now, totally gonna take the car in a minute, just to drive down by the lake and drink me a coffee cup of liquid amber love... i need it.
there's this wonderful little dyke girl that works there; her name's joni, and the first time i saw her, i was like, 'aww, helll...' - if for no other reason than that it's been sooo long since i've had a crush on anyone, and i refuse to fall for straight girls, ever, ever again (see, melissa's getting a little smarter, eh?!?). now, i know that nothing's ever going to happen with her, she's 20, self-assured as all hell (although the vast majority of people, once you chip away at the layers, really AREN'T), but it's still nice, in some strange way - i woke up every morning for four straight months in a state of sheer and unmitigated panic, every.single.day, and i thought it was never, ever going to go away. certainly, it will return, truly, it is always looming just below the surface, but this... but this is nice, i think. i spent the weekend with her, pretty much (and justin and anna) - stole da mama's car on friday night, got to her house about 2, and promptly got drrrunnnkkkk as hell with T.J., justin, anna, and T.J's girlfriend (whose name escapes me); it was fun actually hanging out with people. granted, the alcohol mitigates my ability to be with people/hang out/talk (someday i'll be able to do these things while sober... that is my dream! hehe), but... it was nice. i got home saturday morning around 6 a.m., my mama definitely was on to the fact that i stole the car, because the brother decided he needed to go snowboarding at 5 a.m., and alerted her to my absence... balls. hung over as FUCK all day saturday, but was texting joni allll day long, our texts getting more and more ridiculously...something, i'm not quite sure what the adjective would be, at this point, but... yeah. crashed out at around 8, with the help of exedrin PMs, then woke up at 1 a.m., started texting her again, and she had her cousin come get me at around 3 (a.m.). went to grand haven to go pick up work clothes or some nonsense, then back to joni's and watched movies til somewhere around 8 a.m., when it was finally time to go to sleep. :)
---OK. i gotta start drinking some wine now, totally gonna take the car in a minute, just to drive down by the lake and drink me a coffee cup of liquid amber love... i need it.