(no subject)
I am a shell of what I once was; my dreams have become nothing more than nightmares - fishhooks laden with pesticides that dangle in front of my nose upon waking every fucking morning, luring me out of sweet oblivion and into the world I have destroyed. I am a shell of what I once was, of that person who said, 'i have big FUCKING DREAMS - i want THE WHOLE WORLD.' Never again can i have any of that, never again can i aspire to anything greater than making it through another god-forsaken day. Truly, it is all my fault, there is no one to blame but myself, and I will be living with this guilt for the rest of my life. However, I know not how long (or how short) my life will be; a parasitic infection that I got while in Mexico is slowly but surely destroying my body, eating away at those vital organs that I once revered as part and parcel to the guiding forces of existence. So very, very strange... and all I can truly do is sit and muse on it... and all i can truly do is say goodbye, and smile the very wryest of smiles, thinking back to those horrible, terrible days crouching hidden in bushes in Mexico, wanting only to die because i was [cracking up] and believed fervently that immigration was after me - it's a long and wreckless story, just like the story of my life. a fitting ending, this will be... wanting so fervently to die, cursing the fact that i made it out of there alive, sickeningly grateful that my father came and 'saved' me but horrified at the fact of having to face the dark Abyss for all eternity (ain't no sunshine when she's gone... or is it just the kids that i taught...?). i wanted so badly, so very, very badly to die... and here, i believe it is happening, and i don't even recoil from the thought, except for what it will do to my parents... that is ALL. i am a convicted criminal, and will be as such for the rest of my life - there is no salvation for me, there is nothing save the swift clang of a gavel, pronouncing me guilty for all eternity. there is no need to live anymore, there is no reason to try, no reason to care, no nothing... now, i believe it is coming full-tilt, full-speed ahead. there is nothing to be done - it's too far advanced, now, and the doctors are unable to detect a damn thing. full-speed ahead, bang bang you're dead...