Fic: Theatricality, Or How to Be Yourself, Only Louder
Title: Theatricality, or How to Be Yourself, Only Louder
Author: Joyful
Disclaimer: Glee doesn't belong to me, I make no money from this.
Summary: Finn had reasons for not wanting to share a bedroom with Kurt. He was afraid Kurt would find out that he was FTM, and he resented Kurt for having what he wanted, and “wasting” it. For a prompt on Glee_Genderplay
Rating: PG-13 for some swearing.
Ships: none.
Timeline: AU, set around “Theatricality.” In this, Finn knew very well that he didn't get Quinn pregnant, but he pretended because she seemed so scared.
Notes: For this prompt on Glee_Genderplay and the angst meme: HERE
I want to stress that these are Finn's thoughts, not my own. I think Kurt is perfectly manly, but Finn has his own reasons for disagreeing.
*****
Everything spiraled out of control faster than Finn could imagine. The stress, and anxiety he'd been feeling since he was told he was moving in with Kurt just sort of exploded, and before he knew what was going on, he was saying words he'd never said before. While he was screaming at Kurt, calling him a fag, saying how horrible and faggy the room was, and how he couldn't live there, a tiny part of Finn's brain wondered if this was part of the steroids and the T. He knew they made him more susceptible to rages, but he'd never felt so out of control before. Then, before he'd really taken inventory of what was happening around him, Burt was there. Telling Finn he couldn't live there anymore. Kicking Finn out of the house.
“You don't understand!” Finn said, and he felt like he was going to start crying, but the tears didn't come. Another effect of the hormones.
“I can't have you under my roof if you're going to spew that poison and hatred at my child,” Burt said forcefully, but without yelling. “Go wait upstairs for your mother. We'll talk about this when she gets home.”
Finn wanted to scream at Burt, wanted to make Burt understand that he couldn't live in a girly room. He couldn't be surrounded by all that girly stuff, couldn't let anyone see him around those girly things because they might think that Finn was a girl. And Finn was not a girl. No matter what his birth certificate said.
Finn wanted to make Burt understand that it wasn't fair for him to share a room with Kurt. To see a cis-guy every day, to sleep near a cis-guy whose body was the way Finn's should be-and wasn't.
Finn wanted to make Kurt understand that he was so very jealous, and so very terrified. That he put his underwear on in the shower, that he put his packer in his shorts in the shower because he didn't want Kurt to know, to see, that he wasn't biologically male. That he'd been sleeping with his soft-packer even though he shouldn't because he didn't want Kurt to see him without a bulge. Didn't want to leave it out where somebody could see it. That all his...stuff-his packers and his man-go and all the other things he kept around to help him pass better, and feel more whole-had to be kept hidden in places that he didn't think Kurt would check.
None of this was fair. Having to live with Kurt wasn't fair. Kurt was so...not a dude. He was lucky enough to be born a guy, and he didn't even own it. He just...wasted it. He didn't play sports or dress like a dude, or act like a dude or go out with girls. Finn tried so very hard, his whole entirely life to not be girly and Kurt chose to be girly. It wasn't fair.
Finn wasn't really sure when he had started texting his mom, but he'd sent her almost thirty texts before she got home from work. He hated to admit that all he wanted was for her to give him a hug and hold him, but that wasn't a very manly thing to want. When Carole got home, she and Burt went into their room and spoke for a while, while Finn continued to sit awkwardly on the couch. He hadn't seen Kurt since Burt had dragged him upstairs.
Then Carole was in the living room, and within moments Burt and Kurt were there too. Kurt was standing on the other side of the room, trying not to look brokenhearted and hurt.
“Finn, we need to talk about what happened,” Carole said.
“Mom, this isn't fair, none of this is,” Finn started, but Carole held up a hand.
“I know, Finn. I read all your texts, and I sorted through your word-vomit. I never should have expected you to share a room with Kurt, and I'm sorry for that,” Carole said. Kurt let out an indignant squawk, and Burt actually growled by Carole held up her hand again. She could do wonders with that hand. It could stop the world. “Not for the reasons you two think.”
Carole sat down next to Finn on the couch.
“It's time to tell them, Finn,” Carole said.
Terror spread through Finn. No. It was his darkest secret. He couldn't let them know. Then the whole world would know and he couldn't handle that.
“No,” Finn said with a quiet, choked sob.
“Finn, Burt's currently under the opinion that you're a hateful homophobe, and Kurt isn't safe with you. Now, you and I both know that isn't true, so it's time to tell them,” Carole said gently.
“I can't say it,” Finn whispered, leaning forward to catch his mother's ear. “It kills me every time. But, if you think they need to know, you can tell them. Can I leave the room while you do it?”
“Yes,” Carole agreed. “Go to the kitchen and get a snack.”
Finn got up and left the living room. This was it. After this moment, Burt would never look at him the same way, ever again. He wouldn't be the cool dude that Burt watched games with and talked sports about. He'd be the weird tomboy who got into sports and pretended to be a boy. Kurt would never look at him like he was a gift from the gods anymore-and yes, Finn had to admit, some of the adoration he got from Kurt was kind of cool. Gay or not, Kurt's attention made him feel like a real boy-he'd be the freak that Kurt pitied. The boy with the pussy, the girl styling herself as a boy. Finn turned the corner and ducked into the kitchen. He tried not to listen, to block his mother's voice out, but morbid curiosity kept him listening, to know exactly which words she used this time.
“Burt, Kurt, I'm sorry Finn acted the way he did. Sometimes he has these rages that he can't control. It's a side effect of the hormone treatments,” Carole began.
“Hormone treatments?” Burt asked curiously.
“Finn is transgender,” Carole told her boyfriend and his son. “Female to male. He's been transitioning for years. Sixteen years ago, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. However, Finn made it pretty clear from a pretty young age that he's a boy. He's been on blockers and hormone treatments since he was about eleven.”
Finn didn't listen to the rest of the conversation. He didn't want to hear Kurt's shock or Burt's disbelief. He dug his earbuds out of his pocket and jammed them in his ears. He found one of the obscure metal bands that Matt had gotten him into, Lake of Tears, and blared them. He tried to focus on the music as he made himself something to eat, and tried not to cry. He wanted to break something. He wanted to take all the plates and just smash them. Life fucking sucked.
Finn sat at the kitchen table for a while, he had a sandwich, some juice, and some cookies. He tried not to think about how his life was falling apart. Everything had been going so well for so long. Even taking Quinn in during her pregnancy wasn't as scary as this. Of course, Finn knew that Quinn's baby wasn't his, he wasn't a total moron, but she seemed so scared, he didn't want to push her. After finishing his food, Finn continued listening to the music,, laying his head on his folded arms on the table, until there was a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see his mom and turned his iPod off.
“Okay, we haven't been kicked out, okay?” Carole reassured Finn. “We're going to talk about this all tomorrow after school, after everyone's had a chance to cool down.”
“They must think I'm a freak,” Finn said quietly.
“You're not a freak, Finn,” Carole reassure her son. She put an arm around his shoulders and pulled his head against her chest, kissing the top of it. “I know how hard this is for you. And I know that sometimes you let your anger get the best of yourself.”
“It's not fair, Mom,” Finn said for what felt like the millionth time in his lifetime. “Kurt is so damn lucky to have the right body, and he doesn't even know it. Why can't he just act like everyone else?”
“You know better than that, Finnegan Michael Hudson,” Carole said, and Finn rolled his eyes. When his mom had changed his name she insisted that she got to name him, since she was his mom. Finn might be a better name that Fiona, but Finnegan was kind of horrible. But Carole's mother had been Irish and she'd felt the need to 'honor her heritage' or something. “What you just said is no different than people asking why you can't just act like a girl because you have two X-chromosomes. Kurt is exactly the kind of boy he wants to be, and you're the kind of boy you want to be. Just because Kurt likes fashion and musicals instead of sports and video games doesn't make him less of a boy. Just like you're not any less of a boy, just because God made a mistake.”
Finn wasn't sure he believed it all, but it was nice to hear anyway. He wasn't exactly the kind of boy he wanted to be-the kind of boy he wanted to be had a penis. Still, he knew his mother loved him, and he know from some of his groups on the internet that he was unbelievably lucky. His mom worked her ass off to pay for his therapy appointments, his hormone treatments, and everything else that went along with transitioning. And she never complained, at least not where Finn could hear her. A lot of trans* kids had their parents kick them out, or refuse to pay for hormones, or even hurt them. Finn was lucky.
“When you go downstairs to go to bed, you will apologize to Kurt. You don't have to talk to him, and you don't have to like him, but you have to apologize,” Carole instructed. “I've talked to Burt, and tomorrow we'll start moving your things to the guest bedroom. If we have any guests, they can sleep on the couch. Apparently there's a lot of stuff in there that belongs to Kurt's grandmother, but we're going to move it to the attic.”
“I can have my own room again?” Finn asked, relieved.
“Yes,” Carole said, “And I'm sorry, Finn. I should have thought that you'd be uncomfortable sharing a room. Kurt mentioned something about underwear?”
Finn blushed.
“I've been putting my underwear on in the shower, so that Kurt wouldn't accidentally see,” he admitted.
“Oh Finn,” Carole said sadly.
“Mom, why did this all have to happen so fast? The moving and everything?” Finn asked.
Carole took a deep breath and looked at her son. “I didn't want to tell you, Finn. But I've missed some payments on the mortgage. The bank was going to take our house back, and we would have had to move in with Grandma in Toledo.”
“But...” Finn trailed off. He knew what was so expensive, why his mom was out of money. His HRT was expensive. His doctor's visits weren't all covered by the insurance, and their medical insurance didn't pay for hormones at all. Burt had saved them. Finn felt so guilty.
“No, Finn, whatever you're thinking, no. It's not your fault,” his mother promised him.
“If I was a girl, you wouldn't have to spend so much money,” Finn said, sadly.
“Don't think about the money, Finn,” Carole said, hugging her son tightly again. “You're my son, and I love you. I will do everything in my power that will help you love yourself the way I love you. You're amazing, okay? Don't ever forget it.”
“Thanks mom,” Finn said.
“Now, go downstairs, apologize to Kurt and go to bed.”
“Yes mom.”
*****
Walking back into the basement was hell. Kurt had changed into his pajamas already, and was sitting at his vanity smearing stuff on his face. Finn walked downstairs, intentionally making noise so Kurt wouldn't be startled.
“Hey,” Finn said awkwardly, walking into the basement.
“Hey,” Kurt said softly.
“I'm sorry,” Finn said. “I didn't mean to say those things, I was just so angry. I don't hate you, Kurt. I hate this situation, and I don't want to share a room with you, but that's, like, not because you're gay. I don't want to share a room with anyone.”
“I understand,” Kurt said. “I mean, I understand not wanting to share a room. And I'm sorry too. I do want to clarify some things while you're here. Yeah, I've had a bit of a crush on you, but I would never have forced myself on you or acted inappropriately-”
“I know that, Kurt, of course I know that,” Finn said. “And I have to admit I've liked the attention. It made me feel-better. I don't really want to get into that stuff right now. I should also tell you that, obviously, part of the reason I was mad at you is, like, jealously. God, I'd kill for your body, Kurt, even though you're smaller than me. Do you get that?”
“Yeah,” Kurt confirmed. “I think so.”
“I need to change for bed,” Finn said.
“I promise I won't look,” Kurt said, the barest hint of a smile on his face. “I left the privacy partition up, even if you don't like it.”
“Thanks,” Finn said. He waited until Kurt turned back to his moisturizing, then headed over to his dresser and started stripping off his clothes. When he got down to his underwear, he looked over his shoulder to see that Kurt was paying him no attention at all. Quickly, Finn removed the packer from his briefs and tucked it in his bedside table, then slipped on a pair of sleep shorts. He threw on a t-shirt, and climbed into bed.
Things in the Hudson-Hummel household were far from perfect, but somehow Finn knew that they would get better.
*end*
Author: Joyful
Disclaimer: Glee doesn't belong to me, I make no money from this.
Summary: Finn had reasons for not wanting to share a bedroom with Kurt. He was afraid Kurt would find out that he was FTM, and he resented Kurt for having what he wanted, and “wasting” it. For a prompt on Glee_Genderplay
Rating: PG-13 for some swearing.
Ships: none.
Timeline: AU, set around “Theatricality.” In this, Finn knew very well that he didn't get Quinn pregnant, but he pretended because she seemed so scared.
Notes: For this prompt on Glee_Genderplay and the angst meme: HERE
I want to stress that these are Finn's thoughts, not my own. I think Kurt is perfectly manly, but Finn has his own reasons for disagreeing.
*****
Everything spiraled out of control faster than Finn could imagine. The stress, and anxiety he'd been feeling since he was told he was moving in with Kurt just sort of exploded, and before he knew what was going on, he was saying words he'd never said before. While he was screaming at Kurt, calling him a fag, saying how horrible and faggy the room was, and how he couldn't live there, a tiny part of Finn's brain wondered if this was part of the steroids and the T. He knew they made him more susceptible to rages, but he'd never felt so out of control before. Then, before he'd really taken inventory of what was happening around him, Burt was there. Telling Finn he couldn't live there anymore. Kicking Finn out of the house.
“You don't understand!” Finn said, and he felt like he was going to start crying, but the tears didn't come. Another effect of the hormones.
“I can't have you under my roof if you're going to spew that poison and hatred at my child,” Burt said forcefully, but without yelling. “Go wait upstairs for your mother. We'll talk about this when she gets home.”
Finn wanted to scream at Burt, wanted to make Burt understand that he couldn't live in a girly room. He couldn't be surrounded by all that girly stuff, couldn't let anyone see him around those girly things because they might think that Finn was a girl. And Finn was not a girl. No matter what his birth certificate said.
Finn wanted to make Burt understand that it wasn't fair for him to share a room with Kurt. To see a cis-guy every day, to sleep near a cis-guy whose body was the way Finn's should be-and wasn't.
Finn wanted to make Kurt understand that he was so very jealous, and so very terrified. That he put his underwear on in the shower, that he put his packer in his shorts in the shower because he didn't want Kurt to know, to see, that he wasn't biologically male. That he'd been sleeping with his soft-packer even though he shouldn't because he didn't want Kurt to see him without a bulge. Didn't want to leave it out where somebody could see it. That all his...stuff-his packers and his man-go and all the other things he kept around to help him pass better, and feel more whole-had to be kept hidden in places that he didn't think Kurt would check.
None of this was fair. Having to live with Kurt wasn't fair. Kurt was so...not a dude. He was lucky enough to be born a guy, and he didn't even own it. He just...wasted it. He didn't play sports or dress like a dude, or act like a dude or go out with girls. Finn tried so very hard, his whole entirely life to not be girly and Kurt chose to be girly. It wasn't fair.
Finn wasn't really sure when he had started texting his mom, but he'd sent her almost thirty texts before she got home from work. He hated to admit that all he wanted was for her to give him a hug and hold him, but that wasn't a very manly thing to want. When Carole got home, she and Burt went into their room and spoke for a while, while Finn continued to sit awkwardly on the couch. He hadn't seen Kurt since Burt had dragged him upstairs.
Then Carole was in the living room, and within moments Burt and Kurt were there too. Kurt was standing on the other side of the room, trying not to look brokenhearted and hurt.
“Finn, we need to talk about what happened,” Carole said.
“Mom, this isn't fair, none of this is,” Finn started, but Carole held up a hand.
“I know, Finn. I read all your texts, and I sorted through your word-vomit. I never should have expected you to share a room with Kurt, and I'm sorry for that,” Carole said. Kurt let out an indignant squawk, and Burt actually growled by Carole held up her hand again. She could do wonders with that hand. It could stop the world. “Not for the reasons you two think.”
Carole sat down next to Finn on the couch.
“It's time to tell them, Finn,” Carole said.
Terror spread through Finn. No. It was his darkest secret. He couldn't let them know. Then the whole world would know and he couldn't handle that.
“No,” Finn said with a quiet, choked sob.
“Finn, Burt's currently under the opinion that you're a hateful homophobe, and Kurt isn't safe with you. Now, you and I both know that isn't true, so it's time to tell them,” Carole said gently.
“I can't say it,” Finn whispered, leaning forward to catch his mother's ear. “It kills me every time. But, if you think they need to know, you can tell them. Can I leave the room while you do it?”
“Yes,” Carole agreed. “Go to the kitchen and get a snack.”
Finn got up and left the living room. This was it. After this moment, Burt would never look at him the same way, ever again. He wouldn't be the cool dude that Burt watched games with and talked sports about. He'd be the weird tomboy who got into sports and pretended to be a boy. Kurt would never look at him like he was a gift from the gods anymore-and yes, Finn had to admit, some of the adoration he got from Kurt was kind of cool. Gay or not, Kurt's attention made him feel like a real boy-he'd be the freak that Kurt pitied. The boy with the pussy, the girl styling herself as a boy. Finn turned the corner and ducked into the kitchen. He tried not to listen, to block his mother's voice out, but morbid curiosity kept him listening, to know exactly which words she used this time.
“Burt, Kurt, I'm sorry Finn acted the way he did. Sometimes he has these rages that he can't control. It's a side effect of the hormone treatments,” Carole began.
“Hormone treatments?” Burt asked curiously.
“Finn is transgender,” Carole told her boyfriend and his son. “Female to male. He's been transitioning for years. Sixteen years ago, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. However, Finn made it pretty clear from a pretty young age that he's a boy. He's been on blockers and hormone treatments since he was about eleven.”
Finn didn't listen to the rest of the conversation. He didn't want to hear Kurt's shock or Burt's disbelief. He dug his earbuds out of his pocket and jammed them in his ears. He found one of the obscure metal bands that Matt had gotten him into, Lake of Tears, and blared them. He tried to focus on the music as he made himself something to eat, and tried not to cry. He wanted to break something. He wanted to take all the plates and just smash them. Life fucking sucked.
Finn sat at the kitchen table for a while, he had a sandwich, some juice, and some cookies. He tried not to think about how his life was falling apart. Everything had been going so well for so long. Even taking Quinn in during her pregnancy wasn't as scary as this. Of course, Finn knew that Quinn's baby wasn't his, he wasn't a total moron, but she seemed so scared, he didn't want to push her. After finishing his food, Finn continued listening to the music,, laying his head on his folded arms on the table, until there was a hand on his shoulder. He turned to see his mom and turned his iPod off.
“Okay, we haven't been kicked out, okay?” Carole reassured Finn. “We're going to talk about this all tomorrow after school, after everyone's had a chance to cool down.”
“They must think I'm a freak,” Finn said quietly.
“You're not a freak, Finn,” Carole reassure her son. She put an arm around his shoulders and pulled his head against her chest, kissing the top of it. “I know how hard this is for you. And I know that sometimes you let your anger get the best of yourself.”
“It's not fair, Mom,” Finn said for what felt like the millionth time in his lifetime. “Kurt is so damn lucky to have the right body, and he doesn't even know it. Why can't he just act like everyone else?”
“You know better than that, Finnegan Michael Hudson,” Carole said, and Finn rolled his eyes. When his mom had changed his name she insisted that she got to name him, since she was his mom. Finn might be a better name that Fiona, but Finnegan was kind of horrible. But Carole's mother had been Irish and she'd felt the need to 'honor her heritage' or something. “What you just said is no different than people asking why you can't just act like a girl because you have two X-chromosomes. Kurt is exactly the kind of boy he wants to be, and you're the kind of boy you want to be. Just because Kurt likes fashion and musicals instead of sports and video games doesn't make him less of a boy. Just like you're not any less of a boy, just because God made a mistake.”
Finn wasn't sure he believed it all, but it was nice to hear anyway. He wasn't exactly the kind of boy he wanted to be-the kind of boy he wanted to be had a penis. Still, he knew his mother loved him, and he know from some of his groups on the internet that he was unbelievably lucky. His mom worked her ass off to pay for his therapy appointments, his hormone treatments, and everything else that went along with transitioning. And she never complained, at least not where Finn could hear her. A lot of trans* kids had their parents kick them out, or refuse to pay for hormones, or even hurt them. Finn was lucky.
“When you go downstairs to go to bed, you will apologize to Kurt. You don't have to talk to him, and you don't have to like him, but you have to apologize,” Carole instructed. “I've talked to Burt, and tomorrow we'll start moving your things to the guest bedroom. If we have any guests, they can sleep on the couch. Apparently there's a lot of stuff in there that belongs to Kurt's grandmother, but we're going to move it to the attic.”
“I can have my own room again?” Finn asked, relieved.
“Yes,” Carole said, “And I'm sorry, Finn. I should have thought that you'd be uncomfortable sharing a room. Kurt mentioned something about underwear?”
Finn blushed.
“I've been putting my underwear on in the shower, so that Kurt wouldn't accidentally see,” he admitted.
“Oh Finn,” Carole said sadly.
“Mom, why did this all have to happen so fast? The moving and everything?” Finn asked.
Carole took a deep breath and looked at her son. “I didn't want to tell you, Finn. But I've missed some payments on the mortgage. The bank was going to take our house back, and we would have had to move in with Grandma in Toledo.”
“But...” Finn trailed off. He knew what was so expensive, why his mom was out of money. His HRT was expensive. His doctor's visits weren't all covered by the insurance, and their medical insurance didn't pay for hormones at all. Burt had saved them. Finn felt so guilty.
“No, Finn, whatever you're thinking, no. It's not your fault,” his mother promised him.
“If I was a girl, you wouldn't have to spend so much money,” Finn said, sadly.
“Don't think about the money, Finn,” Carole said, hugging her son tightly again. “You're my son, and I love you. I will do everything in my power that will help you love yourself the way I love you. You're amazing, okay? Don't ever forget it.”
“Thanks mom,” Finn said.
“Now, go downstairs, apologize to Kurt and go to bed.”
“Yes mom.”
*****
Walking back into the basement was hell. Kurt had changed into his pajamas already, and was sitting at his vanity smearing stuff on his face. Finn walked downstairs, intentionally making noise so Kurt wouldn't be startled.
“Hey,” Finn said awkwardly, walking into the basement.
“Hey,” Kurt said softly.
“I'm sorry,” Finn said. “I didn't mean to say those things, I was just so angry. I don't hate you, Kurt. I hate this situation, and I don't want to share a room with you, but that's, like, not because you're gay. I don't want to share a room with anyone.”
“I understand,” Kurt said. “I mean, I understand not wanting to share a room. And I'm sorry too. I do want to clarify some things while you're here. Yeah, I've had a bit of a crush on you, but I would never have forced myself on you or acted inappropriately-”
“I know that, Kurt, of course I know that,” Finn said. “And I have to admit I've liked the attention. It made me feel-better. I don't really want to get into that stuff right now. I should also tell you that, obviously, part of the reason I was mad at you is, like, jealously. God, I'd kill for your body, Kurt, even though you're smaller than me. Do you get that?”
“Yeah,” Kurt confirmed. “I think so.”
“I need to change for bed,” Finn said.
“I promise I won't look,” Kurt said, the barest hint of a smile on his face. “I left the privacy partition up, even if you don't like it.”
“Thanks,” Finn said. He waited until Kurt turned back to his moisturizing, then headed over to his dresser and started stripping off his clothes. When he got down to his underwear, he looked over his shoulder to see that Kurt was paying him no attention at all. Quickly, Finn removed the packer from his briefs and tucked it in his bedside table, then slipped on a pair of sleep shorts. He threw on a t-shirt, and climbed into bed.
Things in the Hudson-Hummel household were far from perfect, but somehow Finn knew that they would get better.
*end*